Humour thread

[durendal]

Computer Breasts

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

o o a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) breasts with tassled pasties

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) inverted nipples

|oo| android breasts

[durendal]

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:

“Give four advantages of breast milk.”

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Never goes sour.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.

Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

[Toku Warrior]

Wow, nothing funny for 5 months.

Well, I received this funny bit in an e-mail today.

So

helpful

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY

GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU

CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT

LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF

AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE

PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL

PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER

YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.

THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.

IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT

SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN

ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR

ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO

YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[durendal]

Well, might as well add some shorts:

Kids Are Quick

___________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right ... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand ...

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

[durendal]

Some few more shorts.

Two men jogging together

Guy 1: I'm a doctor. I jog because I'm HEALTH conscious

Guy 2: I'm a thief, I'm WEALTH conscious

Sex Object

guy 1: You know, my new wife is a sex object!

guy 2: Wow! You must have a gorgeous wife!

guy 1: Not really, but everytime I wanted sex, she would always object.

Canine

Police: Why do we call big dogs K-9?

Supt: Because if you call them K-10, they wouldn't be dogs anymore

Police: what would they be?

Supt: A small cat.

Heaven and Hell

Daughter: Mom, my boyfriend doesn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

Mother: Don't worry, marry him and let him taste heaven, leave hell to me.

A Husband asked his wife, "Honey, what do you like most in me, my handsome face or my sexy body?"

The wife looked at him from head to toe and replied, "honey, I like your sense of humor"

A guy picks up a girl for a date

Guy: Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?

Girl: I promised my Mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.

[durendal]

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[Salkafar]

Very early in the morning, a man and a woman, naked in bed together.

The woman wakes up, and exclaims "Oh my God, my husband's come home!"

The guy, who has the reflexes of a rattler, leaps out of bed, jumps out the window into the bushes below and shoots away like a thief in the night.

The woman, meanwhile, puts on a robe, goes downstairs and makes coffee.

Five minutes later, the door bell rings, and it's the guy, still naked, with some chafing and scratching from the bushes, rather cold and dirty and somewhat winded.

And he says: "I am your husband!"

And his wife calmly responds "So why'd you run away then?"

[*Jess♥]

durendal, brilliant.

i laughed my ass off.

salkafar, clever one

[jerrygoodman]

Here's a little something I put together for Christmas (wasn't sure where else to put it, so I thought I'd stick it here )

*ahem*

Oh Jingle Bells

Chronos Smells

Balcus Laid an Egg

The Ark, we feel

Lost a Wheel

And the Guyver Got Away!

Merry Christmas everyone

[Oberon]

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan.

They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.

They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test.

The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.

They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test.

The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...

The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........

?

?

?

?

?

Q. 1. Which tyre?

a) Front Left b) Front Right

c) Back Left d) Back Right

[Larz Zahn]

ouch.... i so want to be a teacher so i can try that.

[durendal]

Funniest Greatest Proverbs

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[durendal]

Don't copy if you can't paste!

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience He said "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added "And that woman was my mother" Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top IT manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife". The wife went wild with shock and rage.

Standing there for 30 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out ".... and I can't remember who she was!"

Moral of the story:

Don't copy if you can't paste!

[durendal]

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?

Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want to just to keep 'em guessing!

Let's turn this into a chain letter! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their crap back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all... THEY are paying for it! Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!

Send this to a friend or two or three...or fifty...

[durendal]

Something to ponder about:

Don't you think the reason it flooded during the time of Noah was because he cut down all the trees to build the giant ark?

[durendal]

A wife asked her husband to describe her....

He said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She said, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beuatiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot"

She said, "Oh that's so lovely. what about I, J, K?"

He said, "---I'm Just Kidding!!!"

...nobody knows if this man is still alive!!

[durendal]

Irish Alzheimers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

[ErutanXiku]

Wow! I never knew this thread existed! I've had some good laughs...will definitely finish reading this later (14 pages!)

For now, I would like to share something I had a majority input in creating...the Spider-Man theme re-written to suit Gambit (it's totally over the top, but go with the humour)

Spanky-Man

Spanky-man, Spanky-man

Can't do anything a spider can

Spanks whatever he thinks he can

Cats, dogs even garbage cans

Look out!

Here comes the Spanky-man!

Is he suave?

Listen bud,

He's got ragin' Cajun blood.

Can he swing from a thread?

No but he'll swing right into your bed

Hey there,

There goes the Spanky-man.

In the chill of the night,

With a girl in his sights,

Like a streak of a light,

He spanks and takes flight.

Spanky-man, Spanky-man,

Raunchy neighbourhood Spanky-man.

Charm and cash;

He's adored,

Getting laid is his reward.

To him, life is just one big wank,

That's why he likes to spank,

So they call him the Spanky-man!

[durendal]

Can't remember if I posted this before or a variant of it, but what the heck:

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The man replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'

Edited September 19, 2011 by durendal

[durendal]

After a long night of love making, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"no silly" she replies, snuggling to him.

"your boyfriend then?" he continues.

"No, not at all" she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No no no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.\

"Well, who in the hell is he then?" he demands.

She whispers in his ear "that's me before the surgery"

[durendal]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[durendal]

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says,

-“Father, forgive me for I have sinned.â€

The priest asks,

-“What did you do?â€

The woman says,

-“I committed adultery.â€

Priest: “How many times?â€

Woman: “Three times.â€

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.â€

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says,

-“Father, forgive me for I have sinned.â€

Priest: “What did you do?â€

Man: “I committed adultery.â€

Priest:â€How many times?â€

Man: “Three times.â€

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.â€

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says,

-“Father, forgive me for I have sinned.â€

Rabbi:â€What did you do?â€

Woman: “I committed adultery.â€

Rabbi: “How many times?â€

Woman: “Once.â€

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars."

Edited September 19, 2011 by durendal

[durendal]

Is there anything made in the USA anymore?

John smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am...

while his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis hoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled with gas (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good-paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA.

[Salkafar]

A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA.

I don't think he could help. Looking like James Earl Jones doesn't make you a good leader.

[durendal]

7 day humor rations:

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No drenn?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!