Relationships and Age

[*BananaKing]

So those not in the know, I recently went out with a 16yr old girl. Shortly after getting to 1st base I began to think heavily on what chemistry might be brewing. You see, I'm 20 and she is 16. The U.S.A's Law of Consent states that anyone under the age of 18 cannot give legal consent to sexual activities and any violation of these activities can result in a statutory rape felony charge.

Now things got a little serious between me and the 16yr old (We just made out a little don't worry) and a part of me wants to pursue the relationship further...but I know the consequence to that and that consequence is JAIL.

So 3 options came to my mind as I drove home to my apartment:

1) Break things off before they get too serious and try and stay good friends

2) Date only in public areas and do not do anything more than just kiss

3) Violate the law and keep things secret

So what do you guys think? Do you guys think such type of dating and relationships are ethical, unethical, romantic, or just plain wrong. What are your views of relationships of any kind (Sexual or not) with people of radical ages. Like what do you all think of let's say a 22yr old woman dating a 17yr old guy? (This is an example to use as a jumping off point)

[durendal]

I guess this would always go the path of moral debate. But if you're asking what I would do, I would continue the relationship and wait 2 years before actually doing "it". I wouldn't count first base as something illegal. I mean, a 4 year difference isn't such a big deal. 10 years might be a problem, but 4? If there is really a chemistry in the relationship, I don't see why you can't continue the relationship. As most people say, in love, age doesn't matter.

Additionally, I think this would be more of a culture thing. Typically, how old do you think teens lose their virginity over there? It might be possible that a girl would want to do "it" out of peer pressure.

As for your choices, you might regret it later if you choose option 1. Option 2 doesn't sound like a bad idea. And as for option 3, you'd have to think first of the repercussions later on.

[Aether]

oh man... move to the UK - our age policy is 16 so you can avoid prison!!

but seriously,

personally when i was younger i would have gone for no.3..... if its more just lust then its probably not worth the gamble. if it were for lust and i got caught i'd regret it, if it was for true feelings then i wouldnt care of the consequences.

2 does seem the most sensible but how long could you go on like that??i dont think it would be being true to your feelings as if you wanna do it, you wanna do it and it could harm the realtionship.

1 is the sensible option but it really depends how much you care for her and value her friendship

only you know the maturity of this girl (and yourself) heres some things to consider:

is she a young 16 or an old 16?

are you taking her virginity?

how does she feel about 'it'?

how long have you known her?

do you care for her romantically or is it just lust?

what about her family? -she might not rat on you for doing it but what if they ever found out in the next 2 years? is it worth it?

ethically

a 22yrold girl dating a 17 year old guy - i say lucky guy.

obviously any older person with a minor (below 16) is wrong.

i would call a radical difference in age 10 - 20 years, anything between 1-5 isnt much difference, 5-10 is still ok i think because the age gap isnt so much the problem it just comes down to maturity and outlook on life compatibility.

Due to the obvious lust we all have within us at some level, if i was in the mood to indulge in horizontally dancing with a girl i probably would do so with any girl i found attractive aged 18 and upwards- within reason, but relationship wise i really dont think i could connect with someone that young for a serious relationship unless they were mature for their age. as you grow up, it seems you can forget that you are growing up! its ok to have fun with people of any age but what about the rest of life?

i dont think that age gaps really matter where love or lust is involved.

its just a shame in your case that you have the law to consider.

Edited November 20, 2010 by Eether

[*Jess♥]

many people partake in sexual activity before the age of consent.

people start exploring as soon as puberty starts. some do the full thing, some just play around.

but in most cases it is kept within the peer group and is with consent, legality be damned.

I would say, if a child is not old enough to understand what the other person wants, then they are too young. but as soon as the child becomes an adolescent, they are understanding these things.

they are going to do it no matter what. and even if a person over 18 is afraid to go to prison, 2 people under the age of consent are not even thinking about the law. because they aren't old enough to be held responsible so they just do what they want.

it's difficult for the man, because there is a lot of influence from the hormones at younger ages.

i think if a girl is not old enough to make the decision, she should not be able to go into any situation where she is vulnerable. it doesn't make much sense.

anyway, i think the best thing you can do is break it off before it's too late.

these kinds of relationship are about one thing at the end of the day. if she's not old enough for sex, she's not old enough for romance. and that means you're just playing with fire.

i won't advise staying with her if you have strong feelings because quite frankly, i am well aware that it is very hard to distinguish between feelings in some situations. I don't know how experienced you are, but if she is your first, then it is always going to be a strong feeling. even though i can accept that i was not in love with my first girlfriend, I cannot shake the strength of the infatuation. if i was with her now, I think the feelings would be just as strong.

now, to address what i believe about age difference, a couple years ago, I 'knew' a cougar. I would say that age shouldn't matter as long as you can make a connection. sometimes older women are more experienced, sometimes not. many people say that older women are always more experience, but don't be fooled. there are some older women who may even be a virgin. well nuns are for sure. anyway, what i would say is that older women are generally more friendly. not always of course, but i think the age means that they have a lot of life experience and mellow a bit. younger girls can have very high expectations and can be very pompous. older women know what to expect so actually, if you do an especially good job, they will appreciate it more. more satisfying for all involved.

hmm, not sure about younger girls. I don't really like young girls myself. if a girl was 10 years younger than me, I think i wouldn't be able to get along with her. if its a question of do i think it is right... I think any age difference is fine as long as it's legal. well i also think the law is wrong.

i think law should fit morality closer.

instead of fitting the morality of over protective fathers, it should fit the morality of all people, adolescents included.

[durendal]

Ryuki made some valid points. But BK, here's the thing, I won't put myself in your shoes, but rather on the shoes of the girl's father. You touch my daughter, I kill you.

[*BananaKing]

Yeah that was all things I was considering. I didn't want to make the topic about me but I did break things off and recommended we just remain friends. I'm not a very good gambler, whenever I'd play poker with my friends I'd win 1 hand then go all in and lose. I don't want to gamble with the law and even though it does hurt me, I have to think of her family and mine. I mean if I went to jail, I'm pretty sure my grandmother would have a heart attack and die I'd never be able to face my father again, not to mention I'd be kicked out of school, have to become a registered sex offender...and some guy named Michelle would probably kill me in prison because of how I drank my soup.

While I believe love is special no matter the age, no one is above the law. Even though we may not like it, we still must abide by it. I know we can find love and I think I can help boost this girl's confidence. I think she clung to me so fast because I showed a warm hand to her. I think if I can boost her confidence as her friend, she';ll feel better about herself and blossom.

I think people should not deviate from their age groups. If you date too young, the younger person won't be able to relate to you as well and if you date someone too old then they'll be able to partake in things that you cannot. I turn 21 in six months. If I wanted to go to the bar and drink all night, I couldn't bring a young girl with me. If I was a sophomore in high school and I was dating a woman who was talking about how she needed to build her credit for something she needed for her apartment...I wouldn't be able to relate and not return anything to the relationship. This may sound like small niches, but enough small niches and even the toughest bridge will collapse.

I usually have a 2yr age barrier; no one older than 2yrs, no one younger. This way I stay within the legal limit and I have someone very close to my age and probably out living on their own and getting a chance to experience their own life.

[Aether]

I know we can find love and I think I can help boost this girl's confidence. I think she clung to me so fast because I showed a warm hand to her. I think if I can boost her confidence as her friend, she';ll feel better about herself and blossom.

this shows me you didnt even need any help on making the right decision BK. you're a good dude.

[*Jess♥]

I think people should not deviate from their age groups. If you date too young, the younger person won't be able to relate to you as well and if you date someone too old then they'll be able to partake in things that you cannot. I turn 21 in six months. If I wanted to go to the bar and drink all night, I couldn't bring a young girl with me. If I was a sophomore in high school and I was dating a woman who was talking about how she needed to build her credit for something she needed for her apartment...I wouldn't be able to relate and not return anything to the relationship. This may sound like small niches, but enough small niches and even the toughest bridge will collapse.

I don't completely agree.

there's that phrase opposites attract.

the essence of that being that if people have many differences, they have a lot to talk about.

being able to relate is important, but i think that is more about maturity and methods of communication rather than having the same experiences.

if you had both done exactly the same things through your life, you won't have anything to share. the most interesting people for me, are people from other cultures. that's part of the joy i get from teaching english.

but i think it does depend on what you want from a relationship as well. i guess similar experiences can bring about a sense of comfort.

[durendal]

This is actually what makes relationship a difficult thing to maintain. There are too many undefined variables so you really wouldn't know if things will go smoothly or roughly, irregardless if you have too many things in common or have little things to share. Some aspects may be applicable to a strong majority, but not to everyone. If relationships are easy to handle like how we are all discussing it like this, then there won't be any failed relationships.

You have to wonder why so many relationships fail. Is it because of the guy, the girl, or the circumstance that surrounds them both? We don't know. That is why every relationship is a gamble. it is up to you to make sure that you not only do the right things, but to do things right.

[*Jess♥]

personally, I feel it is always about communication.

if 2 people are able to communicate clearly about what they think and feel then i am sure they can always find a common ground.

i find that when there has been problems in my past, it has been down to bad communication.

one time, i know this sounds weird, it was like i was the chick and she was the dude. she just was interested in sex and i only wanted to be her friend. anyway, she kept quiet about this and pretended she liked doing the things i liked doing. i thought i had a good friend but all i had was a liar that wasn't interested in me for my personality.

[*Steel]

Its a bit of a tough one mate. The older you get the less age gaps matter. Once two people are adults maturity slows down so as long as you feel like you are both on the same level it dosn't matter.

But sixteen is a bit two young in my opinion. Two years is a long time to wait in a relationship. The temptation too just slip (and end up breaking the law) would be alot more than most people could deal with. Plus some times doing something forbiden is very alouring. If you have any risk taker in you then I'd say avoid it at all costs.

You also have to factor in that although you say its going well at the moment, again two years is along time and even if you do try to make it your own secret between the two of you, there is no garentee that the relationship will last. A bad breakup can make people do nasty things and while you may have gotten away with it, it could come back and bite you.

Personaly I would find it hard to just be friends with someone I've developed romantic feelings for. It would kill me every time they dated someone else, or complained about their boyfriends and so forth. It takes alot too shut the floodgates and just become platonic.

Unfortunatly my advice wouldn't be any of the options you have given... but if it were one then I'd say try to make it as friends. You seem like a really nice guy and I hope things work out well whatever you decide.

[soul science]

I'm 26 and my girlfriend is 42. Its funny because she's mature when it comes to things I need to be mature about and vice versa.

[*V Guyver]

Though most folk end up doing it. You are better off telling her in an honest discussion, even though it's going to be weird. Don't bring it up out of the blue. Actually discuss it if you feel you are getting a little too serious. You both then have to set up bounds and limitations, or lack of them on what you can do in this relationship, at least for a while. After you've done that, you can then consider the law should her views show want in the area. Frankly, as you two get closer, it gets harder and harder resisting temptation, so the sooner you both discuss it, the better. If you decided to break the relationship because neither of you can contain yourselfs but want to preserbe the law or avoid STD's and Pregnancy, do so by all means. If you want to continue but stay at a distance go ahead, if you want to go at it, well better damn well keep it a secret and take precautions, but thoughtfull too.

SHeesh, this topic has caused me a runabout with my own experiences in the manner, as a guy who's been trying to wait till marriage, I'll tell you it's not easy off the bat. Currently one gal keeps trying to umm... usually I don't talk about me in this particular situation, but I digress, it's ultra hard for the person who has to constantly turn down advances into that zone. As a result, it's frustration for the two, and most relationships fall apart because of that urge and want being unfulfilled, Masturbation does not count because it's completely different when your around the person, it's a different feeling altogether, so that desire is still going to be their despite your best efforts to limit it. The only way to subdue such a beast is to limit the amount of time you two are together, which helps cool things down.

[ErutanXiku]

Wow...talk about heavy...I'm glad you managed to come to a decision though dude, it must have been really hard...

There's no way I can relate to these situations, since I've never had a relationship...and admitting to that probably shines me in a bad light or something, but anyway. An ex-friend of mine always thought that single people gave the best advice, even though when it came down to her she never listened to my advice and instead followed her recently broken-up friend's and ruined her relationship. My advice was to talk it out, because she felt that her boyfriend - they'd been going out for about 6 months and had been friends for about 2 years before that - wasn't spending enough time with her, so I told her to talk about it and she didn't. I'm not sure where she's at now, because we went our separate ways a year or so after that because it became clear that she never cared about my feelings and I'm only angry at myself for having taken so long to figure that out.

I'm probably one of those people that see the world through rose-coloured glasses, despite being pretty jaded, and my advice would have been talk it out. Discuss with each other and see where the two of you would have seen the relationship going and if it's worth waiting. I mean, I truly believe that romance can exist without getting physical - that after all, is a huge step - and if you truly care about someone, it shouldn't be the "end game" as they say. You have to wonder, once you take that step, would it add more or take away from what you have? I don't mean "take away" as in fizzle it out, I'm sure that after the deed has been done you'd be eager to experiment further and so you'd stick with each other for that purpose - in that regard, if that's all you're together for, it will take something away from what you have.

But hey, what do I know right? I'm glad you made your decision and I hope it works out

P.S. As for the age thing - her being 16 - I would have said either break it off or wait; it's not worth getting put behind bars for and ruining your life.

As for the other age thing, in general I don't think age matters as long as both are legal. Took me a while to figure that out, because I always thought I'd be with someone my age or slightly older, but then I kind of fell for this guy who was younger than me by a year. But now I know it was just infatuation because he was the only best looking guy at work But rather than growing some proverbial-balls and asking him out, I made the decision that it was better for both of us if I was just a friend - which turned out to be the better choice, because he was totally into another girl but she turned him down...it didn't stop me from hurting though, because the exact same thing happened with the first guy I ever fell really hard for and I sort of confessed to him - he was turned down by his crush also.

It's a weird pattern, so I've switched my radar off and if it happens it happens. But yeah, anyway, my personal view is that age doesn't really matter; some people can be mature for their years, others not.

[*Jess♥]

It's a weird pattern, so I've switched my radar off ...

thats a really interesting phrase.

i would second that advice.

it's best not to focus on what could be and instead focus on what is.

[*BananaKing]

You all have such beautiful advice

Yes I also saw myself being with someone younger than me, not too much younger but still younger nonetheless. I just feel awkward being around older women, it makes me feel like I'm a kid and honestly I hated being a kid. I'm sure 30yrs down the road that'll change but as a kid I always wanted to be older. There's just something about being with someone older than me that doesn't sit right with me, I mean I don't want to sound like I'm for gender stereotypes and stuff but its just how I've developed.

But yeah for those wondering I am looking at someone new right now, and she's the same age as me...well she's technically younger by 2 months but until I'm 21 and she's still 20 we're the same age.

As for you Miss ErutanXiku, keep your radar on, just don't check it everyday. Like me you'll find that the less you look for someone to date the more interesting and compatible people you'll find. I used to search ALL the TIME for a girl and only when I stopped looking and just started living my life like normal that I started talking to some really cool girls. Its all a game of patience, you've just got to have the right bait and something to pass the time while you wait for the fish to bite [emote=onion]adventure[/emote]

I wanted a winking onion man but seeing that one I put up there, I couldn't resist

[ErutanXiku]

That's great news BananaKing - I really hope it goes well That emote's an ONION I thought it was a cat...o.O

As for my radar being switched off, Ryuki had it right and your advice was spot on - I'm not going to sit around thinking about what could have been, especially since I have a life to live - I'm just not actively looking, and it's easier dealing with others without thinking of them as potential partners XD Though, there was this one guy I met on a Summer course I took a few years back (after I decided to switch off my radar), he too was younger than me but I got this creepy vibe off him and wasn't interested in going out with him. When he asked and I turned him down nicely, he called me a racist and tried to guilt me, which really peeved me off so I told it to him straight and he backed off.

Enough about me though; we're supposed to be making you feel better! I didn't mean to hijack your thread, I was just sharing some life experience >.>

[*BananaKing]

Bah I don't care what we talk about in the thread, as long as no one else does.

[ErutanXiku]

Hmm...going with the theme of 'Relationships' I suppose that up until last year, I'd have probably gone out with almost anyone, but now that I have let's say..."Fine Print" - nothing like no canoodling before marriage or no taking my lipginity before the 3rd date or some such - how and when would it be deemed appropriate to make the other person aware of implied Fine Print? It's the sort of thing that's a little complicated to get into...but can probably make or break what could be blossoming...

[*Jess♥]

I would say be subtle.

let it out gradually.

give hints and then make passing comments.

[*Steel]

It depends on what your fine print is but like Ryuki said just let out out slowly. If its something that is sprung on you then just say "sorry I'm not ready for that now" if they cant understand where you are comming from then they are probubly not suited for a relationship with you.

I always think its best to ignore stupid social rules about dating. Just go with what you want to do and what feels right for you both. Nether of you should feel forced if you are going to enter a relationship.

[ErutanXiku]

Ryuki, Steel, that's sound advice - thanks Though since I've mentioned it in the Dreams thread, may as well come out with it here...

The "Fine Print" in question isn't anything based on morals or social rules, as I probably failed in highlighting, but a genetic disorder that will affect me in the long-term.

So in that case, if you were in my position, how would you break the news, or how would you like the news broken to you...?

EDIT: Perhaps I should start a new topic...?

Edited February 18, 2011 by ErutanXiku

[*Steel]

I can see why that may feel like a problem. Do you just come out with it right away or wait till things get a bit more serious and you actualy think it may turn into a long term relationship.

Personaly dont think anyone worth having a relationship with would use your condition as a deal breaker. Only once have I had what I would call a proper relationship, and it was at a time where I had decided to be perfectly honist. In the first few times we dated I expressed as much of myself as I could. My strength, humour and values plus my flaws and baggage. I know that would have scared most people away but it worked. For the first time I tried not to talk myself up or be someone that I thought they would want me to be. I didn't see the point. Yeah there was no way I could express everything but for a relationship to mean anything I dont think settling for anything less than that one person who seems to understand you and accepts who you really are.

So if I were in your shoes I would mention it sooner than later. You said its not something your overly sensitive about so say that. Its just something you'll have to deal with down the line. Lots of people cant predict what illnesses or ailments will creep up on them. This just happens to be something you know and hope for the best case senario. Yes it may put a serious and perhaps somber tone to the conversation but if it dosn't bring out their compationate side then as I said... they arn't worth you.

All I can say to anyone is try and find happyness within yourself. Social pressure makes us feel like we are losers if we arnt in a relationship. Thats a recent phenominon. It is perfectly ok to be single. A relationship isn't what defines you, dont make it that. Dont settle for something that dosn't feel right.

This is of course just my opinion as to how I would aproch things. Ultimatly it has to be something your are comfortable with and something you think it right.

[ErutanXiku]

That is honestly the best advice I've heard.

You're right, being in a relationship with someone - I'm not actively looking, but am open to the idea - isn't about being someone you're not. So while I'm like this on principal - for potential friendships, what you see is what you get when it comes to me - I shouldn't treat serious relationships any different. I never hide things about me and I never "big myself up" as they say.

Thank you, sometimes I need to be reminded of the obvious - I just kept over thinking it to the point where I became insecure; especially since my mum brought me one or two arranged marriage proposals shortly after I got the news of my condition, so before I even had enough time to take it all in and figure out how I felt about it. I turned these offers down due to not getting a good vibe and in my experience Indian families are incredibly superficial, which added to my insecurity

Oh, I keep arranged marriage as an option, though ideally - and my mother fully supports this, and it's her preferred option too - I would hope to actually meet someone one day I'm perfectly happy being on my own for the time being, since I can enjoy more things - like visiting places and sightseeing - though, sometimes it would be nice to have someone to share it with, friend or not - most of the friends I have kind of let me down on that area

[*Jess♥]

that is pretty much what i want too.

somebody to share things with.

I don't want anyone that takes me away from what i would normally want to do.

I see it as a waste of time to spend an evening with somebody watching tv or a movie or whatever, unless that is something i would have done anyway.

i have plenty of things i need to do, the person that is right for me, will have similar things in her life and will work together with me on some of my endeavours and when not working together, will not demand my attention.