Humour thread

[jerrygoodman]

A friend of mine showed this to me a few years ago, and I thought this was absolutely hilarious, so I thought I'd show it here:

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

- On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

- On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

- On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

- On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

- On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)

- On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's just a suggestion.)

- On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)

- On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(..I'm taking this because???....)

- On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to what?)

- On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

- On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)

- On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

- On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

As I read this, I came to realize that the warnings themselves were not scary, but the fact that people needed these warnings in the first place, and that people were dumb enough to attempt most of these things to begin with!

I guess this just demonstrates that the capacity for human beings to do stupid things is limitless.

[durendal]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

the little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

the little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[durendal]

5 Minute Management Course.

Lesson 1:

A Man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs .

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies .

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity .

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas' driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff!: She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull $#!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter.. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who $#!ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of $#!t is your friend..

(3) And when you are in deep $#!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[*Jess♥]

ha ha, those are brilliant!

some excellent lessons too

[*Kenji Murakami]

More wisdom (cough) from Vector Prime

Do you know why that, in the cartoon alone, the Constructicons have three separate origins? It's because the people who were supposed to be guarding the timeline were getting sidetracked by questions. It's enough to make one want to go back in time and kill one's own grandfather to avoid all the silliness...

Q: How much do you weigh?

A: That depends on whether the model sitting on my lap is from the Deluxe or Voyager class.

Q: Where were you in Energon?

A: I was trying to convince Alpha Q to create an ice-world inhabited entirely by ski-bunnies and figure skaters, with naturally-occuring hot chocolate springs.

Q: Who is your favorite Autobot?

A: The Insecticons tell me I'm not allowed to answer with 'Override in a bikini' again. Therefore, my favourite Autobot is Arcee.

In a bikini.

Q: Are you aware that your face bears a strong resemblance to the Autobot insignia?

A: It's the other way around, actually, and I haven't seen a single royalty. 'Copyright expires fifty years after the death of the original creator' my foot. I wasn't dead! I was temporally indisposed!

[Bobby]

A quote from one of my favorite comedians.

Jeff Dunham: So I heard your birthday came not too long ago.

Walter: Yep.

Jeff Dunham: Did your wife get you anything?

Walter: Eh, she got me a book on reincarnation.

Jeff Dunham: Do you believe in it?

Walter: Hell, I don't know.

Jeff Dunham: Well, if you died, who would you come back as, and what would you do?

Walter: I'd come back as my wife, and leave me the Hell aloooone!

[*Kenji Murakami]

More (snicker) Wisdom from Vector Prime

My headache has a name, and it is Jetfire. Or possibly Skyfire. This one shows up all over the space-time continuum. One record says that he was built ten million years ago, but crashed on Earth and hibernated until a few decades ago. Another says that he was active during the Cybertronian Dark Ages, approximately seven million years ago. Another says he wasn't created until just a few decades ago. The only thing the records agree on is that he is an Autobot with ties in his early life to the Decepticons. Canon? Don't talk to me about canon. Even canon doesn't agree with canon.

Q: Are you second in Command?

A: Ha! If I was, maybe the Autobots would listen to me once in a while. Unfortunately, Jetfire is second-in-command of the Autobots, and he thinks the Cyber Planet Keys are a load of slag. I don't see him coming up with any bright ideas to save the universe.

Q: Did you ever fight Unicron?

A: We got in a food-fight once. I ended up covered in planet. It was embarrassing.

Q: Are you really one of the first 13 Transformers?

A: Yes. And I live in a vast resonating structure the size of a solar system, filled with cyberformed worlds, served by the army I spawned from my own substance, and one day when the stars align I will arise to godhood.

Liege Maximo says: Like fun you will.

Q: Do you shave your mustache?

A: You have me mistaken for Scourge. If you think my facial articulation looks like a moustache, then Straxus' face must be one big moustache with eyeholes.

Q: When is TRANSFORMERS CYBERTRON coming out on DVD?

A: When you stop shouting at me. Get off the shift key, human.

Q: Have you every considered going back in time and stopping Megatron from being created ( and just sitting back and being safe in the knowledge that if he's never created then he'll have no fan girls )?

A: That might work after the continuities have been sorted out. As it stands, Megatron has at least two origins, and even if both Megatrons were removed, there would probably still be at least two Galvatrons running around. The other possibility is that we end up with Emperor Starscream as chief of the Decepticons, and his fangirls don't need the encouragement.

Q: What would you do for a Klondike Bar? And why does the Matrix look like a giant blue disco ball?

A: That's even more two questions than the other who asked two questions.

a) I would teleport myself to the factory and take as many as I like. Barring that, I'm told I do a very good Barry White impression.

b) Ironically, it really is a giant blue disco ball. Primus is powerful, but not very hip.

Q: Who would you rather throw off a train: Hot Shot or one of the Armada Sideswipe repaints?

A: Hm. The Sideswipe mould is pretty ugly, but I'd rather get rid of Hot Shot before he starts putting the moves on my woman ( Override, I'm a spaceship that can teleport through time. You can't get faster than that. )

[durendal]

What Not to do when forgetting your anniversary

John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you’re married, you can imagine what he’s probably going through. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” She was serious too, so John got serious.

The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.

Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.

[durendal]

Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

* The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

* The fifth would pay $1.

* The sixth would pay $3.

* The seventh would pay $7.

* The eighth would pay $12.

* The ninth would pay $18.

* The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.”

Drinks for the ten now cost just $80

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay! And so…

* The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

* The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

* The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

* The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

* The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

* The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!” The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics, University of Georgia

[*V Guyver]

An armorer of Chu once boldly claimed to make the best spears and shields.

"My shields are so strong; they cannot be penetrated by any weapon," he said.

"My spears are so sharp; they can pierce any shield," he further said.

A man asks, "If your spear is thrown at your shield, what then?"

The armorer had no reply.

By logic, both an unpenetrable shield and an all-piercing spear can not exist at the same time.

[*YoungGuyver]

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news !

How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Bush , the war is still on!

We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard t'underin' b'y", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Bush , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four b'ys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Bush ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we're callin' off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

[*Kenji Murakami]

21 reasons why English is hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

True, no?

[*Kenji Murakami]

15 Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped

[Toku Warrior]

Denny's has come out with a special breakfast in honor of the octuplets' mom called the 'Nadya Slam'.

You get 14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you pays the bill!

[*YoungGuyver]

If at first you don't succeed,

then skydiving isn't for you

[Cannibal]

More random stuff. Tetsuro's reaction in 26th book:

[*Jess♥]

ha ha ha, thanks cannibal!!

that's brilliant!!

can we use that with hte release of volume 26 when it is scanlated?

[Cannibal]

ha ha ha, thanks cannibal!!

that's brilliant!!

can we use that with the release of volume 26 when it is scanlated?

Thank you x)) Yes you can x))

[durendal]

I might as well revive this thread:

The Little Girl's Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After drinking several cups and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says to my Dad, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is in the toilet?'

[durendal]

And another one:

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of

the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and

fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

[durendal]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price!"

On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25, husband down."

[durendal]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees'!

'What powerful rivers'!

'What beautiful animals'!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped

& fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[durendal]

The 2 boys, Jack and Bob, are back... This time they are in the hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

Jack leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

Bob says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

Jack says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Creams. It's a breeze!"

Bob then asks, "Really?! Wow! ...So, what are you in here for?"

Jack says, "A circumcision. "

"Whoah!", Bob replies. "Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year!"

[durendal]

On their way to get married, a young christian couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a pastor up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

[*Jess♥]

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a pastor up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

ha ha ha, that one is quite sly! It took me a couple of seconds to get it. but it's a nice one!