Yuki's blog

[*Jess♥]

I really feel bad that this is happening to you, Yuki. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I hope things start looking up for you. Seems you've been played a bad hand for a while now it seems. Hang in there. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. I hope you get even with your land lord. I swear I'd pull a gun on someone if they did to me what he did to you,shoot him in the knee and call it self- defense. No one should assault anyone at all. What a bastard.

No, it's fine. it's hard to think abut bad things from tie to time, but that's necessary to heal. I had to today when I spoke to housing standards about a prosecution.

but you guys all know that I am an optimistic person so I don't let things get me down too much. Well I do get depressed and I do get under pressure a lot, I do have hard times, but I can try to see the best in situations and if I can see the best, I can aim for it. what you look at, is the direction you ultimately go in. as you turn your head, your body follows. you can't walk towards the red pill if you are staring at the blue pill.  should I use more metaphors or is that enough

[Guest snow]

It pisses me off when people walk on others just to get what they want. I can't say I'd do the same. I would have wanted to see him pay for what he did.

[*Jess♥]

oh, he will pay.

When he gets prosecuted and then when I sue him for illegal eviction.

I don't get too upset about it because I know he will pay for his crimes.

one way or another.

[Guest snow]

Good, Yuki.

 

I can't keep this to myself. But I love seeing you like this. I love the resolve in this post. It just hit me so hard when I read it. Like you and I just connected head on.

 

Burn that bastard to the ground. Make him feel what its like to feel the way you did. I'm proud of you.

[*Jess♥]

So now I'm taking antidepressants and the doctor declared me unfit for work.

That's what happens when under pressure.

 

Bike got stolen too.

 

Need to try and get into work. Job centre don't help, they just make things worse. Well now I have been signed off by the doctor, I don't have to worry about them and maybe I can breathe a little. might even get some work. The irony.

 

Need to note something. When people send me Private messages and delete them, I cannot reply. a bit annoying. need a solution.

Might start a new PM, but then if a person deletes a PM it means they don't want an answer? not sure on that. what to do, what to do...

 

bought 'Lightning Returns'. Regretted it. It's fracking awful. wasted money that I can't really afford to waste. Monkey nuts.

 

Good news!

I got word from my doctor that I can be referred to London to get a specialist to help me fix my outer appearance. I need to get a blood test to see what my hormone levels currently are so the endocrinologist can get me some HRT and get the right levels. That should fix most issues.
Not too many structural problems. my ribcage is not too big, my hips are pretty ok, my face structure is fine.

[*V Guyver]

That's pretty horrible my friend. That's a cruel person that you had on your doorstep. On the other hand, I'm very thankful that are taken care of to an extent. I didn't get that much help when I was on my own, and only survived thanks to my good relatives family. 

[Guest snow]

I'm really sorry, Yuki. I feel bad for you right now. This whole thing sucks. I feel frustrated about this situation considering I'm over seas. Yuki if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. This is just a terrible time for you and it will pass. Bad things are what put our lives in perspective...but I'm trying to think if there's something more  I can say or do to ease your mind. I don't think theres really anything I can say that will take the painful experience you had away. But I know what a profound loss this is for you, getting kicked out of your apartment and arrested for unjust reasons, and I want you to know I'm on here if you need to talk.I'm your friend. Hang in there, Yuki.

[Cannibal]

When people send me Private messages and delete them, I cannot reply.

If you are talking about this forum, then maybe it's because messenger storage quota? My quota now is 100 conversations and it's 55% filled. I may be wrong, I'm not using PMs often. I think if I will have a lot of chatting there, I will need to delete some of them. But still it's strange, I will not delete NEW conversations.

[*Jess♥]

actually the pressure I was under was pressure from the UK authorities.

The UK government is putting insane amounts of pressure onto people who are unable to find work.

I was looking forward to getting some help to find work since I have been having difficulty but instead they put additional requirements on me to do things which my dyslexia makes almost entirely impossible. They offer no help. Essentially I was being given a death sentence.

That is why I was buckling under the pressure and the doctor declared me unfit for work. It's probably also the other issues I have to deal with currently, but that is what made it too tough to handle.

Thanks for the support guys.

 

Cannibal, thanks for the insight, that may be a possibility.

[Guest snow]

[durendal]

Naruhodo.

 

Wow Ryuki, that's a lot of stuff to take in.  I hadn't realize that aside from your social challenges, you also have those emotional stuff you have to deal with.  I can't pretend to understand what you are going through right now, but I do know that you're going to deal with it head raised and still come out on top.  Since your half way around the world, the only thing I can give you right now are words of encouragement. 

 

"Don't worry about those who talk behind your back, they're behind you for a reason."

[*Jess♥]

things are getting there...

I've spent a week and a half in a flat without any carpets, just concrete floors and bare walls!  i put a duvet on the floor to keep my feet from getting frozen. well things start tricky and improve from there. I've had to buy weekly bus passes to be able to get back into town and do shopping etc.

There was a hole in the wall that i could fit both feet through. I managed to do an ok job with masonry filler to stop the cold air mostly. not ideal but it's better than nothing.

so today I managed to get some flooring. I started in the hall and the parts i've kinda done look really nice! I've got some good underlay and nice laminate flooring. I have to get a small saw to get teh right size for the laminate pieces so I can't do a proper job yet.

I have some wallpaper and paint etc. I will start decorating once I've done teh flooring.

Tomorrow, I am taking delivery of a cooker and fridge. at last I'll be able to cook and eat properly! I'll also be taking delivery of curtains, table, computer desk, etc.

Also today, I adopted the family pet! We got her in 2002 when she was just a kitten. She's been living with my parents for teh past year and now she's living with me. It'll be pretty awesome to have her around, I don't have to worry about being totally alone and lonely.
 

Also tomorrow I am going to apply for a loan so I can get a motor scooter. This should make my travel a lot more efficient and manageable.  The bus is getting expensive and I'm wasting far too much time waiting around for it. British buses are a joke to be honest. If you're lucky there will be a schedule at the bus stop. if you're REALLY lucky, the bus drivers will actually follow the schedule. It's expensive too. it's costing the equivalent of around £50 a month. in about a fortnight it'll go up to around £60 a month! well if I get accepted for the loan, I will be repaying about £50 a month and I can get 70 miles per gallon. a gallon costs £6 so that's next to nothing really.  most importantly, I can stop wasting so much time and be far more productive.

[*Chernaudi]

Sort of the same thing has been ongoing at my house.  We've been trying to do updates and such to it, such as new plumbing, new ceilings in some areas, and stuff like that.

 

I also don't know if it helps, but I've been struggling with anxiety issues really bad for over a year now.  I only just started taking medication for it last Thursday.  This anxiety stuff actually made it hard for me to work as a receptionist.  I'm not a very social person to begin with and being anxious about my job and doing what sometimes felt like 20 things at once didn't help.  I only saw an intake person at a mental health place back in January, and I wasn't able to get in until last Thursday (I had to cancel my March appointment due to a family commitment). 

 

Another thing that screwed me up was my grandma going to the hospital and some money issues.  Grandma's fine now, and she's actually better than she's been in a while, too. 

 

The weather is also starting to improve which also helps my mood.  At least I'm not as stir crazy and can go outside. 

 

We also have a car that's under repair right now to replace our old Jeep SUV.  My father wants to use it so he has something decent to drive while he's repairing his truck.  I'll be glad to get our Pontiac back, because it's more comfortable, gets better gas mileage and is much more pleasant that the mini-school bus that is the Jeep.

 

Hopefully you're doing better now, and hopefully the really horrid stuff that you had to deal with is out of the way for good.  Kinda disturbing reading about it, to be honest, especially the landlord deal.  There's for sure laws against that stuff in my country, and judges can sentence them to live in one of their apartments until they shape up.  It's either that or jail time.

 

But I do hope that things are going well for you now.

[*PrimalNemesis]

I know you don't know me very well Yuki, but I want you to know that we all here at the Advocacy have your back! No matter how dark the days get there will always be a light to guide you home where we all will be waiting. This goes for all Advocacy members. We are as good as family, and family takes care of one another! If you are ever in need of support Yuki look no further. We got ya covered! Believe in that!

Edited April 10, 2014 by Sevastian

[*Jess♥]

Thanks Sevastian, that's really sweet

 

Chernaudi, thanks for sharing, I hope your Anxiety starts to ease up soon.

perhaps a change of job might help you if it is possible?

 

yeah that landlord stuff was pretty awful. yes, sickening actually. need to do more research to see what legal path I can take. it seems like it's been too long and our legal system puts a time limit on things for some absolutely ridiculous reason. it's almost as if they don't consider that victims of crime might need time to get themselves together before going through the legal system. but somebody sent something to me that suggested that I can bypass teh time limit if I go down the path of discrimination. They suggested that the attack and harassment could have been borne out of prejudice towards my gender health issues.

[*Chernaudi]

That's what I'm working on right now.  I switched jobs last year.  Problem is that I took leave from work until I was able to start my new job.  Problem is, I haven't started my new job.  It's been 5 months since I took leave, and I'm still waiting to start.  So that's my issue.

 

And I do feel better with my medication.  One issue, though, is that it makes it real easy for me to fall asleep.  I started taking it at night because of some sleep issues, namely feeling tired and once I lay down, it doesn't take me long to fall asleep.  I've also been sleeping with a pillow between my knees, since I like to sleep on my side. 

 

However, when I am awake, I do fee much more energetic than I've been accustomed to.  The weather also seems to be helping, at least that it's sunny and warm.  (Sarcasm alert) I can't wait for next Tuesday and Wednesday, when it'll get cold and rainy again!  What really sucks is that it's supposed to be 70 on Saturday and Sunday before that! 

 

However, the weather in the UK probably isn't like that.  I know from reports for the Silverstone WEC race weekend that it'll be cold there again this year more than likely.  And I sort of doubt that the weather changed much since you last wrote.

 

As for the cat stuff, well, we have plenty of them here!  They're mostly outdoor cats, so they're all rarely inside at once.  And we do have one that's like 12 years old now, all the way down to one that's a 3 month old kitten. 

 

Hopefully you can get farther with your legal case against your landlord.  If it turns out to be gender discrimination, you probably could argue a case against him.  This goes back to one of my biggest gripes about the human race in general, that we're scared of the unfamiliar and intolerant of others when we're 99% the same.  When we close ourselves off from the world, that just cultivates ignorance and a lack of understanding.

[LordSpleach]

Yuki, did you get the impression that your landlord couldn't deal with you, because of your gender issues?

[*Jess♥]

To be honest, I was under so much stress, I may have missed out on a lot of stuff.

There were lies involved such as telling me that the other tenant left because of me. (she left because she got a job in another city)

Such dishonesty suggests that they weren't being up front about their reasoning. They also claimed they wanted to sell the house but as far as I know they didn't actually sell it.

 

yeah weather is cold at the moment. well it is sunny today but the air is still frigid.

[*Chernaudi]

It sounds like they were bullshitting you to pressure you to leave.  If it does have something to do with your gender issues, then that's probable grounds to argue discrimination.  Personally, I'm glad that you were able to leave, considering that you got into a physical fight with the dude.  I'd consider that a serious sign that he didn't appreciate having you there.  And, IMO, that's his problem, not yours. 

 

As I've said, some people can be so intolerant of others, it's kinda sickening to think about it in this day and age.  In some ways, as we advance as a species, it seems that we take 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  But technology is a double edged sword, as is social media especially.  It's a great avenue for information and staying connected to friends and family.  But it's also easier for assholes to spread their bullshit and condescending views on things.  It's really kinda friggin' sick in a way.

 

But at least you're out of that situation now and I hope that things start to get better for you.  And at least it'll likely be warmer in Wales than here in a few days.  70's and sunny here this weekend, then in the 30s and 40s for a couple of days shortly afterward...  This weather has more mood swings than I can have, and it does literally make me sick sometimes.

[*Jess♥]

yeah some people can be really intolerant. I think it's important to try and understand that. sometimes people are intolerant due to fear and that is due to some unpleasant event in their own life.

two universal forces, love and fear. so many people live mostly in fear and it drives them to do and say terrible things.

 

to be honest, the reason I want justice is out of love. I want those people to develop and learn responsibility for their actions. If I do nothing, then I feel they will do this kind of thing again and it will only do them more harm in the long haul. by taking them through the system hopefully, they will learn to change their approach to one that is more harmonious.

 

Did I just say that?

[*Chernaudi]

I don't know if I'd want justice out of love, but I'd hope that they'd learn their lesson.  That stuff is one of the reasons why I'm sort of afraid of people.  People are prone to panicking, being reactionary, and I don't like crowds.  I get claustrophobic, and I fear the "mob mentality" when people panic.  Even individually, I'm fearful of people.  A person has the potential to be good, or evil and cruel.  I'm thankful that I've known a lot of nice people in my life, but I've also seen cruelty and vile things being done to people by their fellow man.

 

Of course, that maybe explains why I like to hang around women so much.  I identify more with women, I'm more sensitive, and though I'm into stereotypical guy things (auto racing/automobiles, world history, some video gaming), I'd rather hang out with my girlfriend, go shopping with her, help her with makeup and clothing, stuff like that.  Of course, I don't have a girlfriend, so I'm kinda screwed on that.  Nonetheless, I get more joy out of hanging with women than with men most of the time.

 

I guess my point is that I feel that there's a place for everyone, and everyone has issues, some different than others, but on one hand, we're all unique, but on the other, we're not that unique.  I guess that people tend to focus on the things that separate us as things that separate us, instead of making us unique, and remembering that we're all human and thus more the same than we sometimes think we are.

[Guest snow]

There are a lot of intolerant people in the world. Its what we refer to as corrupt society. People screw each other over for many reasons, some reasons better than others but all of these reasons are for self gain. Good examples are- money,sex,things you own. More people in this world, could care less for one another. People think if they say they care and whatever their opinion is..you will find that their actions say differently and that their tongues lie. That is the truth and than they go to church on Sundays and pretend that's not the kind of person they are. I'm not a religious person, however with some people in my family I have to pretend that I am someone I am not. Honestly I cannot be the person I want to be openly as in it is not appropriate for me to go around talking about my beliefs and what I think of other people and how I think a lot of them are fake. This is why I have to suppress who I am. I have no faith in society or people who play at society which is most of the world.

Most of you can't honestly say you've gone out to get a job and it doesn't take long for another employee to try to go to management and get you fired or have a manager who doesn't like you and has your hours cut. This is someone in society that may want you out of the picture so they can eat in a better cafeteria. This is just an example that people in society are corrupt individuals. I too have had to play dirty in society so I can better support my wife and my children. I have to play dirty and have had to screw another employee because it was either them or me and my family.

Bottom line with society. Either you play to win, or you don't play at all.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Jupiter-Prime

[*Jess♥]

chernaudi, I used to be afraid of many things. In order to get past that fear, I just had to do the things I was afraid of. I had to accept things as they are. I was really scared that I might one day go to the top of a tall building and throw myself off. so do you know what I did?

 

I went to the top of the tallest place I could find. I stood at the top. I did not throw myself off. I realised that I was powerful. 

 

You see danger in being around other people that you cannot control. but there is something you can control. How you react to things that happen to you. You have seen bad things happen to other people, but the ill feeling you have about that is inferred by your imagination. you don't actually know what that would be like. I have been attacked. it wasn't such an awful experience. I don't know what kind of noises my vocal cords made, it might have seemed distressing to others, but to me, it was just a thing that happened.

[*Chernaudi]

Oddly, one of the things that I don't have to put up with where I live is a lot of people being around.  And I hope that you didn't take my comment as "the whole human race is worthless because people are prone to acting out of fear".  Most of the people I've been around just keep to themselves and at least try to be as least annoying as possible.  I've frequently been shopping at Walmart pretty much on my own recently and I've never had any serious issues. 

 

I do accept that most people are decent human beings, but it's that one percent of people who like to cause trouble that's the issue.  Either I've adjusted to being more independent and wanting to do things on my own, or my anxiety meds are kicking in earlier than I was told to expect.

 

I'm thinking of starting a thread in where ever the best place for it is about fear.  But I'll share something here.  Usually, there's not much trouble where I live, there's not a ton of people who live out where I do, and almost everyone knows everyone.  But one of my neighbor's storage barns has been broken into several times and stuff stolen.  One thing that you might find disconcerting is the police response.  Not that they're doing a bad job, but that logistics and where we are sort of leaves them with one hand tied behind their back. 

 

Local law enforcement (city police) don't really have jurisdiction out where we live.  Only the County Sheriff's office and the Ohio Highway Patrol (our main state police) have automatic jurisdiction.  I don't know about the Sheriff's office, but the nearest OHP post is about 25 minutes away.  So I guess that hopefully you can see what I mean. 

 

But there's not much to fear out here.  There's no violent crime really to speak of--maybe because in part of firearms ownership in my area being high and criminals knowing that Ohio is a stand your ground state--but it's still a surprise to hear the rescue squad vehicles' sirens going off, because out here, you can hear them from miles away, and it's easy to determine where they're going.  Just an eerie thing that happens around here...

[*Jess♥]

I'm glad you started that thread. it's a rally good thing to talk about.

 

that incident of crime sounds bad. can you get security cameras?