Steel

The snow was really heavy up here the past few weeks. Its only just cleared now... just in time for another weather warning. Its these things that I'm always well prepared for, with plenty of survival suplies for most situations. I was technicaly snowed in for two weeks, but I managed to get too work for two of my four shifts a week thanks to hitching a lift with one of the nurses who stays a few streets away just off the main road... which always gets first attention by the gritters and plows. In my area there are alot of retired people so I spent most of my time trying to make sure they were ok. I'd normaly do a hike up too the closest supermarket (only about a mile.. but in about two feet of snow) to get them some shopping. Ended up going every few days too keep them all suplied. Felt good though. However I ended up getting carried away shovling the stuff and ended up straining my back that put me out of action for a good few days. It still hurts a bit now. Really stupid, just twisted the wrong way and I know better than that. Anyway I'm on the mend and things are back to normal for now. Got alot of stuff done around the house that I've been meaning to do for ages. Even put up christmas decorations even though I wasn't in the mood. Always told my self I wouldn't bother. Werid.

And there we go... my head is all better. I do find it odd how it always goes away by about four.

Slept well last night. Got a headache today, which kind of puts a dampner on things. Its one of those annoying ones I get that painkillers do nothing for, but disapears by the afternoon. I think its the cold weather. I apear to have weird air pressure related headaches. Oh and never ask me to do the gardning a day in advance because I WILL make it rain. I suspect that I am a rain god.

I should really learn to comprimise. I can do it with other people, in fact I'm usualy great at solving disputes and getting people to see things from the others point of view. It was actualy part of my therapy for depresion. Cognitive therapy I think it was called, but anyway for some reason I'm always less forgiving with myself and a bit too quick to get dishartened when I cant do things perfectly the first time. Only seems to be with my artistic ability though. Most other things I try and try again till its right. I dont know why I'm like that. Maybe if I work it out it'll help. Anyway I apear to be derailing what is YOUR blog... I may have a look into Minecraft. I used to get carried away with things like Sim city and play that for days on end.

Not seen Misfits but after a quick google search I MUST SEE IT! I'd no doubt be super unlucky and get some really bad superpower... like Telepathy with poltry or something. I think I'd just keep that quiet and resort to my speciality of hitting things as hard as posoble... or trying to make things better. I'm the conflicting Punchy Medic. I certainly beleave in mind over matter and will over consciousness. I'm not 100% if I beleive I'll get better then it'll happen for physical ailments but certainly for most mental or psycological ones. In fact they are pretty much the only way to get over somethings. I think it was perhaps a one off occurance due to chemicals in my brain, stress and so forth. If I change that then I'm confident that I'll be ok. If it happens again I just hope I have the presence of mind to know what is happening, but it may not work that way due to sleep stupidity... otherwise I would never wake up convinced that I just remembered how to fly for a minute or two.

Hadn't actualy considered that untill you mentioned it now. A friend of mine used to be heavly into that sort of thing but I never was so much myself. I've always been a more "need to see it to beleive it" sort, but thats not to say I'm compleatly closed minded to that sort of thing. I generaly prefer to just reserve judgement rather than just outright think it cant happen. I generaly just dont like things I cant fight... but then again using will power, focus and the mind is another way of fighting things. Perhaps the strange after image thing I was seeing as I tried to move was a sort of astral projection. I can give it a good try anyway. Just so long as I dont end up becoming Doctor Strange. That dude is powerful but damn that outfit is horrific.

I find level design quite intresting. I dont think enough people actualy apriciate it. I actualy do like the background fluff. For everything in a level some guy has spent time creating that thing, even just a rock of a box. I know thats obvious I just dont think its thought about that much. I frequently stop in games just too have a good look around and apriciate what people have created. Every bit can be a work of art, or it can be lazy repetitive rendering. I also like what it sounds like you are into, the plan, design and structure of the level. Personaly I'm more an ideas man. I always have flashes of creation in my head but I get frustraited when I cant get it out exactly as I can picture it.

Didn't they alternate universe Uncle Ben into existence for a few issues the same year as Bucky and Jason got "Revived". Out of them all Bucky's was handled the best considering. I think that was perhaps the only reason he was aloud to be resurected. Would love to get into comic creating myself. Its been my ideal job ever since I was little. Just never seemed practical and I never got any suport or encouragement. I've not read any Spidey since One More Day. I disagreed with the direction so much I quit. I may pick it up again later down the line, but I couldn't understand a move like that. Horrible move too make, and erases about twenty years of continuity. Thats just about as long as I've been reading them!

Ah yeah that makes much more sence. I'm lazy when it comes too working out abriviations. I have a laptop and a stand alone PC that I tend to double up, watching two things at once. Much like yourself I normaly have something on even if I'm not paying much attention too it. I get more distracted when its quiet. I can rarly concentrait on one thing 100% without other stuff popping into my mind. TV usualy helps distract that part of my mind. When I'm painting its the TV, when I'm writing its music. Didn't know you were into game design. What sort? programing or more art design? part of me always wanted to do something like that but I'm way too critical of my own artistic skill.

Yeah DVR's are a bit too pricey for what they are. Plus you need spesific ones too be able to record over them, otherwise you end up burning through loads of disks. Do old VCRs still work? I have a Virgin V+ box so it sort of records everything for me... but thats not really much help too you. Cant you watch on demand stuff on the PC somehow? I supose it depends on the shows. Not everything is shown on demand.

Its a bit of a tough one mate. The older you get the less age gaps matter. Once two people are adults maturity slows down so as long as you feel like you are both on the same level it dosn't matter. But sixteen is a bit two young in my opinion. Two years is a long time to wait in a relationship. The temptation too just slip (and end up breaking the law) would be alot more than most people could deal with. Plus some times doing something forbiden is very alouring. If you have any risk taker in you then I'd say avoid it at all costs. You also have to factor in that although you say its going well at the moment, again two years is along time and even if you do try to make it your own secret between the two of you, there is no garentee that the relationship will last. A bad breakup can make people do nasty things and while you may have gotten away with it, it could come back and bite you. Personaly I would find it hard to just be friends with someone I've developed romantic feelings for. It would kill me every time they dated someone else, or complained about their boyfriends and so forth. It takes alot too shut the floodgates and just become platonic. Unfortunatly my advice wouldn't be any of the options you have given... but if it were one then I'd say try to make it as friends. You seem like a really nice guy and I hope things work out well whatever you decide.

I'm a huge comicbook fan. I have around ten longboxes (that suposedly contain about 250 comics) and have been collecting since I was 13 (although technicaly I got a few when I was about 9). Mianly marvel and vertigo, ranging a whole load of titles. About two years ago I stopped buying single issues and went for just collected Trade Paperbacks or Hardcovers. I prefer reading a story arc in one sitting rather than reading sevoral diffrent issues every week. I'm a bit more of a serious collector now. I plan on getting rid of the junk titles I have and preserving the good ones. I have sevoral issues signed and I have many limited editions. Out of them all I'd say that my near mint Amazing Spider-man issue 2 is the most valuble being worth over a grand alone. Then I have things like a limited edition run of Maximum Carnage signed by all the creators, and a comic con Fathom #1 (only 1000) signed by Michael Turner (who unfortunatly passed away) That probubly about £500 and only going to increace in value. I have quite a few other valuble ones too. Should realy evaluate my collection at some point.

Glad to help Ryuki. I usualy tape anything I want to see and watch it in the morning. I also put my alarm clock all the way across the room so I have too get up too turn it off. I like the idea of a comunity notice board. Good luck with that. Being able to teach english can be very useful. Would help if you plan to move to japan as well. Its how most people I know work overseas.

Man I thought I was doing ok, but these past two weeks I've been really down. I've been really unable to sleep no matter how tired I feel. I keep waking up with this horrible feeling, like there is something left undone or urgent. Its like a shot of panic. The other night was the worst. I woke too what I sware was a voice in my ear saying "Hello". It was monotone and creepy. I was lying on my side and it sounded like it was behind me. No matter how hard I tried to move I couldn't. Then I felt a sharp pain in the base of my back. Everytime I tried moving I'd see a weird after effect of my leg rising and then it would vanish and I'd be in the same position. Lasted for about five minutes before I finaly managed to flip myself over. There are few things that scare me but that had my mind racing, I was covered in sweat. Looked up sleep paralysis as soon as I'd shaken off the irational fear. From what I found that sort of thing does happen. Its belived that expiriences like that are what people rationalize strange encounters too. Like Alien abduction and before that, demon visitations. It also seems that the fear is some sort of side effect and the sufferer will expirience ether terror or euphoria. Typical that I'd get the negitive one. Was horrible at the time but now I've made sence of it I think I'm ok. I hate that some times I'm stupid when I first wake up. I want too be stronger than that. Strangly the more I think about it, the more I realise I suffered similar things when I suffered from depression about ten years back. I used too see shadow people. Like a humanoid mass of black. Usualy when I had just woken up. I'd open my eyes and see them. Then they'd just sink into the shadow and vanish. Could sware I saw them once when I'd been awake for a while. Middle of the day too. I atributed it too the medication and imbalances of chemicals in my brain, but I always felt shame that I was scared. God I hope this dosn't mean that my depresion is resurfacing. Its probubly just a warning. Now I'm aware I can kick it. Get some more exersize, diciplin my sleep back too normal, eat better. Not going too back down to this.

Got a weird shift today 12 till midnight. Guy Fawkes night so we are preparing for lots of burns and related inguries. Hopefuly nothing too horrific. Last year one of the guys had to give aid too a little kid who'd blowen at least three fingers off and there was another who lost an eye. I'm always ok when its happening. I only get flustered when the problem is of my own doing. When its something else I'm always very calm and efficiant. Its only when I stop working that things sink in. Things in my area should be relitivly fine though. Looks like I'll be working Princess street with another crew. Not so many burns as its a public display, But more fights and related inguries.

So my friend and I have this sort of social experiment going on. Although I use the word experiment lightly. Its more of a bizarre venture. It seems to amuse us to mess with peoples heads. We were helping his sister look for cars over the weekend and we’d do all the sensible checks of the vehicle and so forth but instead of making a constructive criticism we would flavour it with statements that should worry any sane man. Like instead of saying the boot was spacious we’d say something along the lines of “Wow, you could fit like five adult bodies in there.” And when talking about the solid build of the car we’d discuss how we could make it death proof. Or how the upholstery looks easy to clean. It gets some fun reactions of people as we try too keep it as deadpan as possible. Its starting too happen at work too. On my break I was reading a book on my kindle. One of the other guys asked what I was reading, I told her is was Doctor Dale’s Zombie Dictionary. He was with me up till zombie, I guess he thought it was a medical journal or something. Now he thinks I’m a little odd… and its hard too argue with him. It does crack some people up though. Guess it depends on your sense of humour.

I hadn't really thought of it that way. Good point but its the execution that feels diffrent.

I've noticed that, much more with the more recent series. Although to be honist I havn't watched as much as of them so I didn't comment on it. OOOs feels about the closest so far though. I do wish they would do one that is a bit closer too the original Rider concept and it be more what the character is made into not just some magic mcguffin. Although that no doubt apeals too kids more.

Having seen alot more pictures I have too say that Chris Evans really seems too look the part. I'm still curious at too how they have done pre-syrum Steve. Probubly some cgi, like Sam Worthington's withered legs in Avatar. I just really dont want too get my hopes too high for this.

Cleared out my garage yesterday, had too throw away alot of stuff that was just taking up space. Found an old set of Nunchaku, I'm pretty sure these were the ones I got in that tourist street outside of the Shaolin temple. They feel poor quality. The chain is slightly rusty and the wood is unbalanced. Still brought back some good memorys of that trip. I would like to go back, now I'm more level headed and secure. Took them for a little spin. Hadn't forgoten nearly as much as I thought. I supose muscle memory lasts a fair while. Might try it with two next time. It also reminded me of my best friend and his "Impenetrable Defence" which was basicly him planting himself in one spot and spining the shoulder pass over and OVER. All the while he staired at the floor trying to concentrate. I reached in and tapped him on the head and he lost control of them and rapped his knuckles. Worst defence ever... Poor guy. Still better me than him every actualy trying too pull that on someone.

I had a few patches when I was real bad with my sleep patern. I seem to have it kicked now. I get about seven hours a night 00:00 till 07:00 in the morning. 23:00 to 06:00 on workdays. I dont even need an alarm anymore although I always set it for work anyway. You have to force yourself up early every morning for a week. Going to bed early usualy dosn't work, not for me anyway I have trouble getting too sleep. Forcing yourself to be tired sorts that out though. Drilling a routine into yourself is the best way I find to manage my time and actualy feel good about it.

Couple of weeks later now... I feel better. I think dealing with Fiona's passing will always be difficult, and while I dont want it too effect her family relationship with me. I think it always will and a dark part of me hopes it will. Loss should have an effect. Again I feel like I want too suffer. She wouldn't want that so I will try too be strong. Well, I WILL be strong. I hate too feel defeated by a challenge. Perhaps that is just insecurity. I will live my life as she'd want me too. I dont want too feel as high as the happyness with her, but I will be happy in time none the less. On a brighter note I'm now a fully qualified paramedic. Will still be motorbike based fast responce, but more pay and definatly more confidence in what I do. I'm already searching for a new goal to shoot for.

Back home now. Feels cold, empty and small. Flew out too california on monday. Was a year ago on the 5th that Fiona passed away. She was cremated but I needed to visit the beach that she was scattered on. Sounds so strange saying it. I feel I have too get the feelings out. Stayed with her sister. I dont know if that was a mistake. Hit me like a shotgun blast seeing her. God they are so alike. Diane is older but only a few years. They could have been twins is so uncanny. Seeing her out of the corner of my eye seemed worse. My heart would leap into my throat every time. She smells similar too. Somehow that makes it worse. Its like it was messing with all my sences. I can still catch traces of her sent on things I've kept but that was worse by far. Their younger sister Sarah looks very much like them too but its diffrent with her. Taller, thinner, dyed hair. I think thats it. Dosn't seem so confusing. I think its the way Diane acts too. She's always seemed so sad. She lived with us for a while. She had a string of abusive boyfriends. I dunno, she just had bad luck, or always fell for the wrong guy. One time it was really bad and the prick broke her jaw. I went crazy over that. I CANNOT stand violence towards women. I would have put him in the hospital if I had got ahold of him. Anyway... I suspected but I can see it as plain as day that she has feelings for me now. We were all sad but its diffrent with Diane. Make it all the harder. I dont know... Just got too try and pick myself up before work starts next weekend. Dont know if this is helping or not. Cant really expect it too I guess. I hope I can zone out or something.

I've done it a few times myself. Some people think its a bit weird when I mention it but I find it stimulating. I remember in beijing there was a really heavy downpour after I'd been training for most of the afternoon. It was a warm rain, but in the baking heat it was still cooling and felt good. Almost like a massage it was that heavy. I've stood under a few waterfalls. That is also highly exhilarating. I think if you get enjoyment from these things then it definalty adds truth too the saying "Life is the ultimate high"

Loads of fog this morning. Its burned off now but I could barly see fifty feet. I actualy like fog. Especialy when its really thick. It must be linked to me also liking more extreme weather conditions. I actualy like really really heavy rain, snow, high winds and thunderstorms. I feel sorry for the damage they do and if anyone gets injured but I do find it exhilarating. I like doing things that other people dont want to take on. Feels like an adventure. I think I do miss my old adventures.