Steel

Quite proud of myself. Got a good few days of study in before I had to answer the call to slay zombies in Dead Rising 2. Reminds me too finnish of my zombie holocaust survival pack. My Best frind and I have been working on our own ones for a few years now. Mainly for fun but they are actualy good for any sort of survival situation... if you ignore the weapons... I do wonder if it makes us insane. Us having taken the zombie plan to a next level, but its funny and an intresting talking point to judge other peoples sence of humour. At least I've not built a shelter under the house... yet. I clearly shouldn't be aloud too have too much money. I'd end up building a Fallout shelter in the side of a mountain or something.

Woo lunch time! Really nasty weather. I really need to get my hair cut. Rain and bike helmet seriously dosn't help. I think its time for my half yearly drastic haircut. Lets face it the weather is just going to get more unplesant from now on. Busy morning but fortunatly everything has worked out ok so far. A few tumbles down wet stairs and one more serious cardiac event but the guy responded well. Steve is being a jackass again. I may think I'm bad self esteem wise but geeze he really has problems. I'm aware that I've led a slightly unbeleavable life, I try not to brag about stuff but I guess it will always come out. Without proof somethings will always seem like potentiol lies. I can back up my clames with knowlage and expirience that I feel would be hard to fake without expirienceing them but that and a few photos are about all I can give as evidence to back up my stories. Ultimatly I dont actualy care if I'm beleaved or not. I know its true and I tell them to amuse, entertain or share wisdom with other people. However his embelishment on the truth is compleatly ridiculus. I wish I was just being overly skeptical but the stuff he clames is freakin newsworthy. He'd be in papers. Hell I think they would fit him with a cape and tights. Yet oddly when he's on my shift he is a consumate slacker and quite frankly a coward. The only reason he still has a job is because he kisses ass like no ones business. He's a liability and a sad individual. I wish he'd at least have the guts too look for another job so someone who actualy wants to help people could get a shot. Man I feel like this blog is going to be a total moan fest... Sorry about that. Anyway must eat now before duty calls once more!

Damnit someone has crashed my bike. I was proud of that thing. Looked the best in the fleat. Now its all scuffed. Not impressed. I know image shouldn't matter but was still nice having it in good condition. Getting the Main street area today. Should be busy. Working with Stevie today... got to be my least favorate college. All talk and shirks responsobility. Wish it was James, at least he's a laugh (if totaly inapropriate) and works like a trooper. Ah well enough time waisting everything is ready.

Thanks man. I was a little worried I was comming across a bit more Jerkish than I would have liked. Yeah I do know its bradycardia. Fortunatly a version with little side effects apart from the odd light head. Alot of people with some mesure of stamina training will have a natural low pulse. Oddly I seem not to consider myself one of them. Kinda dumb being that I practiced martial arts since I was about 4 or 5. I stopped a few years back after hitting a wall with training. Plus I dont feel the desire anymore. I try too keep myself fit. I know there is a difference too what I used to be, but I no longer feel like I HAVE to be peak condition physicaly. So long as I dont let myself slip and keep good maintanance up I'm happy with how I am. I think I'll just always have low BPM, and at least I know the signs of it becoming unhealthy. Althogh aparently being medicaly trained can make you a bad judge of your own health at times. Doctors make the worst patiants and knowlage can ether make you paranoid or go into denial. I hope I can tred the line being not so qualified and knowlagable. Thanks for talking dude.

Yeah sorry about that. I seriously mean no harm in anything I say too other people. Its always hard to convay tone in text. I rarely mean to offend, but I do feel strongly about certain things. Oddly I'm far from egotistical in real life. I have a hard time beleaving I deserve good things. Its a major flaw. I'm not bursting with an abundance of self confidance but I can aproximate it. I think its a little hard for others to feel sympathetic to someone who seems to be complaining but just lacks some sort of self confidance. It's alot better mind you. I can easily interact with others, where as I used to have problems. Some days it just creeps up on me though... Being "Steel" seems to help strangly. Thank you. I know she wouldn't want me to be a depressed wreak and there is nothing I can do to ever gain what I lost. Its just strange I find I cant fully talk about it with friends of family. I feel so conflicted at times. I dont know how healthy it is but I have her in a little room in my mind. Its where I go at night and when I'm alone with nothing to occupy me. It feels like her and not just an imagination. I dont think I can ever let it go. Oh there are certainly different levels of resiliance biologicaly in humans. It only makes sence I think. I've never broken a bone, and thats not without plenty of incidents that no doubt should have at least cracked something. I'm also abnormaly heavy for my size. I'm not exactly small or very thin. I've always been about a stone heavier than I look. I think its maybe density. Its suprised doctors and such. I can take alot of blunt force pain. Sharper pain is a little harder to deal with but depending on the severity I can cope quite well. I have the same thing with Paracetomol having no real effect. Ibuprofen however seems to be about the only painkiller that has much effect save for the big ones like morphine. I was once given something in a thai hospital after I lost alot of blood and had an infected wound. Made me halucinate like crazy. I saw a big dog sized Mosquito on my chet sucking my insides out. Soooo freaky. There are a few more weird bits about me. My pulse is only aout 54 bpm. Usualy dropping too the high fourtys when relaxed. Far from the usual 70bpm. I have double jointed shoulders, I can bite through metal wire and aparently my saliva can desolve dental cement... much too my orthodontists horror. I can also sort of feel electrisity. Its a weird sence like I can tell when something is on in the house when I'm not even in the same room as it. I sware I'm like a lame X-men

Last day off before back too work. Managed to drag myself away from Halo Reach. My eyes need a rest after a late night. I'm a bit better at it than I thought. Normaly ranking in the top three. Should be fun for a while. Met one of my old bosses the other day while shopping. Seems she is doing well with her porsche and business suit. Just reminds me of how messed up some workplaces can be. I mean she was a pathetic manager. She aparently "didn't make mistakes" so everything wrong was never her fault it was yours. If you tried to justify yourself she'd just shout "I dont want excuses." and her attitude to problems was "Just get it done!" ummm yeah... this isn't Star Trek. I'm cant magicly get things done in quarter of the time its suposed to take. I remember there was a whole phase that the office went through at that point (worked for the Home Office) where being a prick was aparently the new corse in management. While I secrently wished she would get what she deserved I'm not suprised that she clearly hasn't. Just irritates me. If only there was such a thing as Karma. I suffer from migraines, one was starting up this morning but the painkillers are kicking in now. Its now just a dull throb. Much more relaxing than what feels like nails in my brain. I always get a bit paranoid when I get them. Like its a tumour or something. Although thats mainly because I also get nose bleeds. Why do I always feel like a hypochondriac if I make an apointment for the doctors? Maybe I'll charm my way into getting CAT scanned at work... Although god knows how much it takes to run that thing, dont really want anyone to get in trouble. Its no doubt just my freaky biology. I think I was grown in a lab someplace. Thats why I cant find anyone I knew before I was 13 on facebook or anything. Thats all just fake memorys. Still you'd think they would have done a better job

Never blogged before but I figured it may be a nice time to start.I find writing to be very cathartic. I re specified this as Chris' blog (my real name) because I have a tendancy to hide in an online persona. Steel is like a jokey take on what I'd be like as an egotist... or if I were in a shonen anime. While I am Steel and that side is a part of my personality I find that labeling myself by my real name lets me feel like I'm speaking truer to my own feelings and ideas. Some people may feel the Batman effect of the mask (online presence) being the true them and their real life name interactions actualy being a fake subdued version. Its only where people cant see your face that you can speak truthfully. I get part of that. I'm diffrent with diffrent people. There is virtualy no one that I'm 100% myself with. We all have darkness inside to an extent or feel the presure of trying to be someone that people hope you are. My aim with this Blog is too be more honist than I can be with friends or family and as "Steel". If its read or not dosn't really matter. I both like and dislike attention. I'll get started... Today I feel strange. I'm suposed to be studying. I flunked out of work as I was suposed to be on standby for the Popes visit. I say flunked... but I just blatantly lied. Normaly I find my work rewarding, but I'm comming off a hard week. This should be my second day at work. I do four on four off. Twelve hour shifts. Its hard going. Last friday was difficult. I loath working the end of the week and weekends due to... well people too be honist. Drunks to be more accurate. I dont do it myself. Brings out the worst in some people and I'm some one who always must feellike I'm in my own driving seat. Not some Asshole under the name of alcohol. I'm day shift right now. 08:00 too 20:00 so that wasn't even the worst of the friday night drinking binges. But its always enought. I'll be honist. Alot of what I see sickens me. People with no pride and laxed morals. It makes me sound uptight but I personaly think that the way alot of people act under the influence is just degrading. I've patched up too many inguries from fights that were pointless. People can be vile. My manager is very understanding even though we are expected to handle a tough time. I normaly can but it builds in your system and you need a break. Normaly its if you lose someone or something traumatic but with a pretty full compliment of staff we can easily take a day off once in a while. So I traided today to recoup before hitting Friday and saturday. I said it was so I could study further for my Paramedics exam but I'm actualy pretty confidant and still have weeks too go. Getting feelings out will be much more valuble to my health. Alot of staff are intoday so there is more than adiquate cover. I would have been sitting around for most of it anyway. As I mentioned the arival of the Pope ment that more than normal were on duty and with me being less qualified than most i would have been on the sidelines. I feel quite down in general today. I think coming here is partly to blame. Not in a bad way. Its just introducing yourself makes you think back more. Mainly the "What would you do for someone you Love" thread. Got me thinking more about how strongly I can feel. My one and only love was Fiona. She passed away October last year. Sometimes I feel the loss consume me like some dark sinking pit... but I'm also concerned about how I have recovered. Its strange. In many ways I wish I had been destroyed utterly. I feel like my current existance degrades how much I truly loved her. I know she would have wanted me to be ok and live again, be happy again. I just cant help feeling like its a betrayal of my love that I actualy do have good days. Its not even been a damn year. Why am I ok? I've always been solitary and indipendant. Even with her. It kills me to know I'll never feel her touch and all the millions of things I loved about her. Her flaws her virtues. Every single speck of that women was like a blessing to my life. For as long as it lasted I worshiped every second. So again... why am I ok? I think there is an answer in my sheer stuborness. I once walked for five hours on a busted up leg with a metal rod threw it. It hurt every step and I was seriously concerned about my life when I saw how much blood I was loosing. People who hear me tell the whole story frequently say that they dont understand how I kept on going, but the only other option was too phone poeple who couldn't posobly have helped, or sit down and die. How is that a choice? No matter the pain you soldier on. You do that because giving up is no option when it gains nothing. I know that if I am one thing its that I am a survivor. Its something I can override. I'd like to beleave that I'd give my life for someone and I've instinctivly put myself in danger for other people, but I will fight for life always. Hell I cant even take a sleeping tablet without fighting the effects WHEN I GIVE IT TOO MYSELF! I'm jokingly called the Terminator by my freinds because they have seen that part of me. I will ALWAYS love Fiona till the day I'm ripped from life but I also know that I'm ok even inspite of the loss of her. I just dont know how too feel about it. Writing helps. For that I thank you. Just knowing that there is a posobility of some other human reading this somehow helps, no matter their reaction. For now I call it a day...

I never liked Cap as a kid but as I grew older I also grew to apriciate the character and ever since Ed Brubaker run on the Captain America series I bacame an enormous fan. Now Steve Rogers and Bucky Barns rank up in my top list of favorate Marvel characters. Cap has always been what I now see as a sort of template for what a man should really be. Not his physical peek human abilitys, his principles, courage and honour. He always seems to be someone I could count on to set an example to others, and set the bar for what it really is to be a hero. I was unsure when Chris Evans was cast as Steve. He was a significantly diffrent character in Sunshine than his normal rolls so I do have some faith that he can pull it off. I'm not worried about his having played a previous marvel character, there are other actors who've done the same. I just hope that they dont try and alter Steve's character too make him more marketable to youngster or something like that. He should be an example too all.

My gamer tag is Steelcoldkiller. I play my PS3 more than the Xbox. Mainly due too my 360 sounding like a jumbo jet in the TV cabnet I have. I will be playing Halo Reach when I get time. Left 4 Dead 1&2, Dead Rising 1&2 (when it comes out) Fable 2, Modern Warfare 2, Streetfighter 4 (regular on 360, Championship edition on the PS3) But mainly one player games like Fallout and Masseffect 1&2. I expect Fallout New Vegas to consume me for months.

Saw episode 1 last night. Some intresting concepts. From the trailer I thought that maybe the vending machine was a one off thing and you could use a Token/Coin/Medal in anything with a coin slot to spawn a bike. Looks like it may just be a (forgot the name of the company)thing. Its a bit more comidic than I like. I was drawn to the darker feel to some of the shows like Agito, blade and Faiz... but I'll give this a fair shot. I do like some of the ideas. I wonder how interchangable the three coin set up will be. Former police-Glove dude look way more effeminate than I can stand. I know its popular in alot of japanese shows but there really isn't enough manly men. Big, bearded with a beer belly! lol