Yuki's blog

[LordSpleach]

I'm glad you started that thread. it's a rally good thing to talk about.

 

that incident of crime sounds bad. can you get security cameras?

 

Or bear traps?

[*Chernaudi]

The property owner does have cameras and motion activated lights there, but about 6 months ago (even after a lot of that stuff was installed), they got broken into again.  And for the motion activated lights, they often go off, but it's usually an animal--often probably one of our cats or a small wild animal, such as a raccoon, possum or ground hog--setting it off, especially considering that there's no one there when the lights activate. 

 

Also, we do have coyotes and deer out here, too. 

 

I've actually felt pretty pleasant recently.  I don't know if it's my medication taking effect, or the weather changing, or a lot of my stressors getting dealt with (grandma being better, getting some food assistance), but I'm a lot better than I was even just a week ago.

[*Jess♥]

I've been watching this program called 'fargo' and it's kinda intriguing. it's set in a small US town, I think somewhere north since it is snowy. I find it a bit worrying the way people live, it is something that has often troubled me about some US culture. I feel like there is a lot of anonymity there, the places are so large, people can get lost.

in the cities, the area is large but it is packed with people so the people are insignificant. in the country, the people live so far apart it is easy to feel isolated. the whole thing scares me, but I think some day I would like to try and experience it first hand. maybe I can gain a new perspective.

 

I now have a bike so that is good. I have been getting so stressed out with the awful bus service in this country. if you are lucky, there is a schedule, if you're really lucky, the buses keep to the schedule. if you're exceptionally lucky, the bus driver will arrive and might even stop. people rely on this service and the way they let people down CONSTANTLY is quite frankly disgusting. So anyway, now I bought a bike, I should be much happier that I do not have to rely on this terrible service.

[*Chernaudi]

I wouldn't trust public transport in my country, which is why I use a taxi service to get to work or my brother if I get in a pinch, and my brother to run errands.  I know that the Dutch get pissed in general if their stuff is more than 2-3 minutes late, and in Japan, the people there often get PO'd when their stuff is more than a minute late.

 

But where I live, I don't get public transport anyways, though I don't trust myself on a bike and people drive like assholes out here anyways, so that's probably for the best.

[*Jess♥]

What is it about teh term 'transgender' that brings abut so much prejudice?

If anyone says transgender, most people immediately think "man in a dress" or "chick with a dick" or something equally offensive.

I've seen so many things that show a beautiful woman with a man, and teh man is really diggin her and then she says "I used to be a man" and then he freaks out.

It's so frustrating. I was brought up as a male, but that doesn't make me male. I think the term transgender troubles me a lot, maybe it is because I feel that I genuinely am female, and have the bone structure and metabolism to show for it to begin with. but if anyonme gets a sniff of the term 'trans gender' they will immediately throw all reaso out of the window and instead view me as a 'tranny' or a man in a dress' or a drag queen. I mena it's not as if my actual genetic makeup or medical history count for anything right? All they care about is that I 'was a guy' in their eyes. regardless of whether i actually wasn't and never actually was. This is why I really hate the term. even though it is technically the most accurate term. I mean, I am 'across' gender. my gender is playing a switcheroo of sorts. no two ways about it.

it pisses me off so much.

I mean, when people learn about this, it seems like all of a sudden people think it's okay to ask about my genitals. it's downright disgraceful to be honest that people think it's okay to think that. I mean There are so many people who are born with deformations down there and are either brought up the wrog gender or the right gender. the ones who were brought up as teh right gender, they don't get asked about their genitals. they simply get it corrected. but if somebody was brought up the wrong gender, then all of a sudden people think it's okay to ask about that? So I think I shuld justtell people I was raised like a boy in the same sense as the character Robin in ' how i met your mother'. I mean it's pretty much hte same difference, only I have a few genetic anomallies.

anyway, I'm a little bit drunk right now so forgive my spelling...

I just want to get my body fixed.

I'm so sixk of waiting for the NHS,..... I'm gonna buy my own meds. I'll save some money, it shouldn't be too hard.

[*Chernaudi]

Problem is as George Carlin said about 25 years ago, there's a bigot on every street corner it seems.  People get scared when they're pushed out of their comfort zones and are confronted with something that's not "normal".

 

There are those who don't understand or get confused by something "strange".  But then there are those who are just flat out bigoted.  I'm about to start to think of the world "normal" as a dirty word pertaining to people.  Why?  Because, really, what is "normal"?  We're all not the same in any way, and that's even if we all share 99% of DNA with one another.  We think differently, have different values and views, and so on. 

 

But if people were more open minded and tolerant, this world would be a much better place.  If people could be comfortable with who they are--and are allowed to be so by others--a lot of things would be non issues.  But how people perceive things is different from person to person, but if people would be a little more tolerant of views and issues that they have no control over, this world would be quite a bit more pleasant.

[*Jess♥]

thanks for your thoughts.

I think I might agree with you there, the word normal could actually be more like saying 'drone' or 'sheep' or 'automaton'.

the kind of people who don't think for themselves and are not much more than a livestock for advertisers.

[*Jess♥]

I joined a dating site and it's pretty intense.

I had tried it in the past but of course, I could never connect on a personal level so I just failed miserably.

Recently though I am far more in touch with who I am.

I also find that making a profile as a woman is enabling me to get the right kind of responses.

I initially put it as woman seeks man, to see how I felt about it. it wasn't the worst thing in the world, there was a couple of attractive men, but I wasn't really excitedly waiting for the emails and didn't feel nervous when replying so I figured it's probably not for me.

So I changed it to woman seeks woman. Got a fair bit of interest and noticed the difference in how I felt straight away.

I was truly excited when i got emails saying "(person) wants to meet you!" and excitedly rushed to look at their profile.

now I had a message yesterday from some girl and looked at her profile. Wow, she is such a cutie! Well there are lots of cuties on there but mostly I liked her style. I liked her attitude. she is sweet and sensual and really nice to me, seems to know just what I like to hear.

So I'm really looking forward to talking to her on skype. I want a video chat because I've heard of some nasty people on dating sites that pretend to be someone else.

I don't know, I got nothing but good feelings when talking to her so I don't want to believe that it could be a lie. I hope I can see her on video chat soon.

 

I think the best part is the fact that people don't question my gender when they see my profile. It gives me a lot of confidence in myself. I mean, I know that my body was already like 95% female, with the male bits messing up the rest of me with their poison. It is just nice to have some kind of confirmation

It's nice to be told I'm beautiful.

[*Jess♥]

I should probably mention that I followed through with my plan and have been self medicating for 3 months.

It makes a HUGE difference. my face has lost a lot of the heaviness it used to have. all my upper body is much more feminine, less mass, less muscle.

I even think my hips are getting wider.

[*Biggabertha]

Congratulations and well done!

 

All the best to you and I hope things go well!

 

 

Something that I'd just like to touch on though - please do be careful.

What's worrying is that socially, men aren't really "taught" to be careful while women/girls are taught from a very young age to be extremely cautious (of men). Normally, when a guy is about to go on a date, the social norm would be to wish them luck with it and some even go as far as wishing they get "lucky." When a lady is about to go on a date, they're given all sorts of cautionary advice and it's all well-founded - but they're rarely wished luck or to get "lucky" the same way men are.

 

 

In your situation, I hope for nothing but the best but I also would like you to be a little careful - at least on the first date!

Would it be too personal to post a brief amount of detail to how things went on this blog..?

[*Jess♥]

Thank you for the words of caution. it is true that I have never been told any of the things that girls and women will probably get told a lot. I really am of the attitude that I am unbreakable, but I need to remember that I am becoming more vulnerable all the time. I am turned from society's predator to society's prey. I suppose it is for the best that I intend to date women. Men was a non-starter. I mean, one day I might meet a really nice guy through a friend or something, but I think I need to take your advice on board and be very careful. I need to find out what all this cautionary advice is that girls get told. It's stuff I need to know for sure.

 

Thanks for your encouragement, if I get to go on a date, I will certainly let you know some small details

[*Jess♥]

no, not small details... what was i trying to say...

I'll let you know how it went without revealing too much personal stuff. yeah that's it.

[*Biggabertha]

Good start on being cautious with your addendum!

One thing I've learnt from overhearing conversations on the matter, is you should try to imagine how would you attempt to overpower yourself. What would be the most likely attack that someone would use against you, that would work well on you? Then you think of counter measures for it - things like always keeping one hand in your pocket, clutching your keys as a makeshift knuckleduster. Most of the time, you only need to graze someone before they flee and you're within your right to defend yourself so long as you don't use excessive force.

But keeping an eye on your drink and making sure that your meal(s) are never tampered with are good places to start.

[*Jess♥]

thanks

I've always been very good at thinking about ways of self defence anyway. perhaps it's instinctive?

The other part too, about watching my drink. I've always done that.

[Aether]

I was going to mention caution when we were talking b4, but I just assumed it would go without saying, but its good Biggabertha vocalised (well, typed) it...

interesting you opted out of looking for males, its good that you got that bit of knowledge before even going on a date!, another curve maybe!?.. ... tbh I don't blame you, especially with online stuff...

(that's not to put you off, but you know what I mean - i.e the stuff about being careful applies much more, I would think, when meeting males)

anyway, good luck

Edited September 11, 2014 by Aether

[*Jess♥]

well I think it's good to consider it seriously. I figured out that I like effeminate looking guys built like an Adonis, but I like girls more.

Actually, I don't know if I'd like those guys in person, but I've been able to identify times when I actually truly liked girls as opposed to lust driven obsession or merely jealousy.

Remembered most of the girls i really liked and also recalled that they turned out to be gay girls. go figure.

 

Anyhow I have decided it is much better to try and find girls by clearly advertising when I go out, and add to that, I will try to go out more. That's the only way to find something real.

I think I have a good system. I've bought a venus pendant in case anyone doesn't quite get it.
I think most would assume female but I just need to be sure.
I've also bought a gay pride badge and I wear a ring on my right thumb.

I also keep my fingernails painted crimson so that's pretty obvious.

[Aether]

wow! I can't believe how different you look, you look way more feminine !

 

yeah lust vs. attraction is a big deal I guess , I mean if you find someone aesthetically pleasing then lust can kick in with anyone you like the look of as its purely physical, but you can only be really attracted to someone who 'does it' for you I think, that you are drawn to not just through looks... which would be the realness I assume you want to find eventually.

 

oh and after some search engine entries.... I get why youre doing some of those things now!

[*Jess♥]

so feeling far more comfortable with the truth about myself... I realised a lot more stuff that I hadn't noticed before.

I don't even have an adam's apple. and my hands are small, and my feet are small. It's unbelievable how I haven't noticed a lot of this stuff sooner.

It's amazing how one small bit of a chemical can change parts of our body so people will view us differently.

There is so much about me that is completely female and just some small parts that looked male and yet those parts had the effect of overriding everything. to everyone else and to me. amazing.

 

but the damage is being repaired anyhow.

 

and things in general are looking up I guess. I am hoping to move house soon.... although this whole process is dragging along slowly....  but I'm optimistic that I can move within a month or two. I hope so anyway.

some things happened that allowed my finances to be freed up and I was able to start sending out the guyver books that were backlogged, so I'm much happier about that situation.

but my brain is  holding me back a lot. I have to take medicine to be able to cope with my current living arrangements and it's making me so damn tired and confused.

 

but what do they say, we just need to keep on trucking.

 

[¬./Anonymous¬]

Nice photo.

Edited January 22, 2015 by ./Anonymous

[*Jess♥]

Thank you for your input.

[¬./Anonymous¬]

I'm going to ask you a string of questions in your "blog". This  might give me a chance to get to know you a bit better.

 

What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody?

[*Jess♥]

that is really interesting and flattering

 

my values? liberty, respect, understanding, empathy. (probably more)

 

what do I represent? vague... uhm.... I represent a vassal to hte universe to allow the universe to experience itself and to create stories that manifest in physical forms. I am a conduit for learning in one small corner of this existence. along with many other representatives, I am responsible for creating one very complex song that we all sing in unison. I am part of the equation that brings order and beauty to this song. on a smaller scale, I represent the greater good of each human being through non judgement and care and attention. I also represent respect that is sufficient to allow other beings to continue as they are meant to. I am the water in the stream, I flow with it and I make it flow.

 

what do I want to embody? hmmm... deep.... I want to embody healing through entertainment, to give people what they search for in any way that i can whilst maintaining integrity and fairness.

 

 

 

these are very powerful and searching questions.

[¬./Anonymous¬]

that is really interesting and flattering

 

my values? liberty, respect, understanding, empathy. (probably more)

 

what do I represent? vague... uhm.... I represent a vassal to hte universe to allow the universe to experience itself and to create stories that manifest in physical forms. I am a conduit for learning in one small corner of this existence. along with many other representatives, I am responsible for creating one very complex song that we all sing in unison. I am part of the equation that brings order and beauty to this song. on a smaller scale, I represent the greater good of each human being through non judgement and care and attention. I also represent respect that is sufficient to allow other beings to continue as they are meant to. I am the water in the stream, I flow with it and I make it flow.

 

what do I want to embody? hmmm... deep.... I want to embody healing through entertainment, to give people what they search for in any way that i can whilst maintaining integrity and fairness.

 

 

 

these are very powerful and searching questions.

 

I very much liked your answer, there fore I clicked the like button. You have a very strong inner self. I like that.

 

What empowering beliefs can you take on to help you achieve your goals? 

Edited January 26, 2015 by ./Anonymous

[*Jess♥]

the belief that we can achieve anything within the framework of agreements that we all subscribe to.

if we travel outside that framework we forfeit our right to take part in it. it's a delicate balance and sometimes we must submit to unpleasant forces.

but I also believe there is much to be gained from adversity. unpleasant things can teach us a lot and I sometimes have a strange enjoyment of the unpleasant parts of life. not like masochism, more like satisfaction of learning and experiencing.

[¬./Anonymous¬]

Is there someone you should spend more time with?