Yuki's blog

[*Jess♥]

cheers man. yeah, I think if we did end up together it would bring a great deal of satisfaction, after knowing her for so long and been through a lot together. it's would be as was already mentioned, the cherry on the cake.

[durendal]

I won't give you unsolicited advice since i don't think you need it at this moment.  You're a big guy and you already know what to do.  If you have plans of becoming more than friends, make sure that you're not in her "friend zone", else it would be very difficult to get out of it.

[DekaRed]

Also, I am in contact with my brother whom I have not spoken to for over 2 years. He's been away and I didn't have his contact details.

but I'm finding that I am getting in a bad mood with other people after I have spoken to him on the phone.

I think I may be angry with him on some level, but I can't figure out why.

I guess the situation around him leaving is what is the problem. I can't talk about it really. I don't feel comfortable talking about it and I don't have anyone to talk to about it anyway.

sorry if i made you go in a bad mood with people.

[*Jess♥]

it's alright. I got past it without too much problems.

[*Jess♥]

Today, I got the keys to my new home.

 

It's sort of come out of the blue although there were rumblings of it for a while.

just suddenly this week, I got given a date to vacate the premises. so I have paid rent on my new place and will be moving within the next few days.

I hate this.

I don't really want to move, but what can I do?

some things we just don't have any choice in.

Let's hope I get along well with my new house-mates.

I know there are a few Indian and one Portuguese chap.

Should be interesting and we should be able to learn a lot from each other.

 

 

In other news, I've been getting involved in an awesome community project. We're trying to get a community centre set up where people can come along and just hang out. We want to contribute to helping the poorer people in our community, our unemployed and disabled and elderly and youngsters. the people who don't have a lot of money to go to theme parks or the cinema or bowling or drinking etc.

The project has already been working in conjunction with a free stall which operates on the principle of freeconomy. or gift economy.

I'm really looking forward to progressing on this, I want to be very involved in it, I am thinking I can organise computer training and similar things.

[river_chaos]

Fantastic, Ryuki-kun!  I hope everything works out with your roommates and the project.

[*Jess♥]

Thanks River,

it's really tough.

I want to go home but the home I want to go to doesn't exist anymore. it's just an empty shell.

It might be easier if my family were here with me, but I'm  with strangers. nowhere else to go.

[river_chaos]

You can always come to here, even though it's digital. 

I usually come here if I feel homesick; the BS you find here remindes me of my family and their BS. 

[*Jess♥]

BS on guyverboard?

or just the net in general...

yeah, it is good to visit the websites I usually frequent.

good to talk to you guys.

[river_chaos]

I meant the way we interact with each other; we can easly call each other's BS like close friends/family can do in a friendly and good humorly way.

[*Jess♥]

Ah yes, I see what you're saying.

 

yes I am sure it does help in a big way.

 

doesn't change the way I feel about where I am though.

I don't think anything can help.

I've thought through all the possibilities.

nothing can change the fact that my familiar environment for 27 years, is now gone.

I never imagined anything could feel like this.

to think that millions of people must also currently feel like this... sometimes the world is not a nice place.

[Aether]

sorry to hear you feel crap dude.

 

i would give lots of positive advice, but im sure you know how to not feel bad about the situation.  if im right its not that you dont have the mental ability to move on from this point its just that the situation is happening and quite frankly it sucks for you.

 

so once again all i'll offer you is some good luck

[*Jess♥]

cheers dude.

I know what the problem is, and there is no way to move past it except to try and adapt.

basically, because I'm unemployed and do a ton of voluntary work etc on my computer, I used to spend most of my time in my room with my family in the other room.

I've been completely torn out of my life and I'm sort of left without all that familiar stuff. 27 years of familiarity ripped away. it's like my heart has been torn out.

my surroundings gone, my family gone, no way to go back, no returning, ever. and every time i see something or hear something that reminds me of the routine I used to have, feels like a punch in the throat.

I know how to find coping strategies etc, I know to try and keep busy and all that... 

 

It's just that, sometimes when I felt a bit down, I would go and pet the cat, or I would chat to my mum, or i would talk to my brother. I would just wander around the house or go sit in the garden. I think any time I went out to visit some place, there came a point where I wanted to go home. to chill.

all of this is gone.  I wish there was a way to fix it, but there is none. nothing anybody can do.

I think just talking about it is the only way to move forwards. people lose stuff all the time. I guess I'm lucky in that my family are still alive, they are just a mile away.

[Toku Warrior]

sorry to hear that U had to move and that U've been down lately.  But, at least it's good to hear that U're trying to move forward.  Hopefully, it gets better for U.

[Aether]

i can empathise, ive been in my family home a long time and wouldnt like to think of it not being there anymore if i wanted / needed it.

like you said though, life does dump on us sometimes and at these times you do have to find comfort in the good things that you still have....from my own experience nothing is more important than your family or your health. im sure these things seem self explanatory but some people do tend to forget / feel that.

i could start getting all metaphorical here but i wont, instead i'll return some encouragement you gave me, so... ganbatte! faito!

[*Jess♥]

cheers guys.

not feeling too bad today. went out and spent some time with some like minded friends and did some volunteering.

mostly, I'm just feeling a little lost, like I don't really belong anywhere.

well that's a lot better than what I had been feeling.

definitely feeling a bit more positive about what I can potentially do.

I don't like the place I moved to. I want to change location. that's for starters.

now I have some prime grade A knowledge under my hat, I can make a good decision from here on out.

[*Jess♥]

Good news.

I found a new place. should be moving around the 30th.

current place, I really didn't like from the first time I saw it. but I had no choice at that time. now I've had a while to search for a more suitable place and I found somewhere really nice.

[river_chaos]

Awesome

[Toku Warrior]

That's good to hear, bro.

[*Jess♥]

so right now It seems like I have no time for anything.

I'm stuck in hte same house with nowhere to move to because i cannot afford a deposit and my landlord is threatening to take me to court to evict me.

I've got the job centre on my back demanding more from me all hte time, whilst I try to push my troubleshooting business.

I'm heavily involved in a community centre startup, this may result in a paid job if the paperwork can be sorted and if we can stretch the criteria so it includes my age group.
Whilst all this is going on, I'm trying to figure out my personal feelings about my own gender identity.

I can't afford to buy much food, I would really love to have a nice meal, but I am struggling with having to choose the cheapest available.

haven't been able to buy a new video game for months, got no tv, the internet is patchy at best.

landlord cut off the internet so I have to try and pick up next doors wireless signal if I can or use my phone which is not great.

it's a dark time and I think it is the same for many people at the moment. Christmas for me just isn't going to happen. I'll be lucky if I can afford to eat.

I'll be lucky if I have a roof over my head.

 

when you're in a difficult position, there is always one thing that you know for sure. The only way is up!!

well that is not always true, but as long as one remains positive, things can only get better. (that's 2 songs, let's see if I can fit in more)

So If I just remain working on hte community centre project and focus on my business, I can surely improve my situation. I have a networing event tomorrow that I have organised and am hosting. that should be pretty awesome! I have yet to roll it out completely and fully market the weekly event. I still think the turnout will be good though.  The networking event is free as it is in conjunction with hte community centre project and I am utilising the space. I am also advertising it as a skill share where business people with poor skills in particular areas can get assistance from other business people and can offer their assistance too. As a troubleshooter, my skillset lends itself to organising this kind of event. I feel I can realy benefit from this and so can the other people who go.

[lost unit]

im sorry to hear your down i can see why mate reading what up put. hopefully things will pick soon and 2014 will be a good start for you i have my fingers crossed for you.

[*Jess♥]

Damn, so my situation is a bit different now. So anyhow, that landlord physically assaulted me and then phoned the police while i was cowering on hte floor and told thenm I had attacked him, got me arrested and put in a cell for hours, then interrogated whilst injured and scared. The result of that is that I could not go back as I was not safe so I was pretty much a homeless person.

 

Whilst it seems bad, what it really meant is that I was given high priority to get social housing from the local authority. I don't really like these events too much, but what I do like is that The local auhority have taken a duty to house me which means I do not have to worry about my housing situation any more. Well of course until they find me a suitable place, I am in a hostel with one small room. I had to abandon all my furniture and some of my stuff. I saved the important stuff so I won't go needy but it sucks that I lost my bed and chair and desk etc. I'll have to buy new stuff such as fridge, bed, carpets, curtains, cooker, etc. I'm sure I'll be able to get help withthat thugh. I heard that they found me a place and it will be ready in a few weeks from now. Also, in order to help travel to and from hte place because it's a bit further than I'm used to, I'm going to get a loan and obtain a scooter. Actually that will help me to increase my travel radius and wil be better for my hiking and better for getting my life coaching business going.

 

So my 'business' which isn't truly a business yet as I've not had any clients... well it is developing. I was fiding that my focus was a bit awry. I was wanting to use my skills fully, but maybe not focusing on a skillset for the customers benefit. I realise now that I need to think about what they will be looking for. I spoke to an advisor and they suggested just 'life coach'. Actually, upon reading teh description, it seems that is what I wanted to do all along, I just didn't realise teh terminology fit. so esentially, it's more about marketing and training. I need a qualification that fits. so I need to look around for courses on NLP and general life coaching.

 

The community project I was working on, it ended. So gonna start a new simpler one with some friends I met while doing the first one. actually meeting them today and we're gona talk about finding a shop we can have for free rent so we can do a free stall. for anyone who doesn't know, a free stall is basically where people can donate stuff they don't want and take stuff they do want. no money is exchanged and there is no value placed on what they bring or what they take. should be good.

 

one last thing.

my family an everyone from the moment I was born, thought I was a boy. they raised me as a boy. but as it turns out I am not a boy.

There was some problem with my genetics or gestation or something.

They always suspected something was not quite right. I'm certainly not very 'manly' in most ways.

and some things were just not right full stop....

so who knew?  I feel a bit like mowgli or something.

[Guest snow]

I really feel bad that this is happening to you, Yuki. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I hope things start looking up for you. Seems you've been played a bad hand for a while now it seems. Hang in there. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. I hope you get even with your land lord. I swear I'd pull a gun on someone if they did to me what he did to you,shoot him in the knee and call it self- defense. No one should assault anyone at all. What a bastard.

Edited March 6, 2014 by Jupiter-Prime

[Cannibal]

free stall

Sounds interesting, don't know if something like this even possible in Russia x))

[*Jess♥]

People would not think it possible in the uk either.

 

If we can get a place, we can do it.

it is about sharing and a type of economy without money. if there are people who have a charitable nature, they will give, and if people need stuff they will take.

I believe there are charitable people all around the world.

People might not understand at first, but in time they understand and they mostly support it.

If you liked the idea, you could try it one day.