durendal

Who said fill in the blank is very easy" Go ahead, if you are very persistentm fill this black with YES or NO. 1. _______ I am not a normal person.

An award winning ad in a funeral parlor: "If YOU don't take good care of yourself, we will take good care of YOU."

Teacher: Let's all take a class picture so when you grow up, you will say, "Wow look at Don... he's now a police! Wow Jane is now a Nurse! Wow Thomas is now a doctor!" John: ma'am there's something I'd like to add! Teacher: What is it John? John: "Wow the Teacher is now dead"

girl about to get married: Dad! I'm so sad to be leaving Mom! Dad: I understand. Don't let me stand in the way of your happiness. Take your Mom with you!

I'm trying to prove a point A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

You can't bring that dog in this bar A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

A nun arrives at the local bar John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

Evaluating employees RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations: "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Want a day off work? So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

INTERESTING CONVERSATION An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, the ALMIGHTY. He asks one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . . Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ? Student : Yes, sir. Professor : So you Believe in GOD ? Student : Absolutely, sir. Professor : Is GOD Good ? Student : Sure. Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ? Student : Yes. Professor : My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm? ( Student is silent ) Professor : You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella. Is GOD Good? Student : Yes. Professor : Is Satan good ? Student : No. Professor : Where does Satan come from ? Student : From . . . GOD . . . Professor : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World? Student : Yes. Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct? Student : Yes. Professor : So who created evil ? (Student does not answer) Professor : Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they? Student : Yes, sir. Professor : So, who Created them ? ( Student has no answer ) Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you. Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD? Student : No, sir. Professor : Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD? Student : No , sir. Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter? Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't. Professor : Yet you still Believe in HIM? Student : Yes. Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith. Professor : Yes, Faith. And that is the Problem Science has. Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat? Professor : Yes. Student : And is there such a thing as Cold? Professor : Yes. Student : No sir. There isn't. ( The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events ) Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat, a Little Heat or No Heat. But we don't have anything called Cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as Cold. Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat. We cannot Measure Cold. Heat is Energy. Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it. ( There is Pin - Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre ) Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness? Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness? Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the Absence of Something… You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . . But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called Darkness, isn't it? In reality, Darkness isn't. If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you? Professor : So what is the point you are making, Young Man ? Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed. Professor : Flawed ? Can you explain how? Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD. You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought. It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing. Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey? Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do. Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir? ( The Professor shakes his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument is going ) Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and Cannot even prove that this Process is an On - Going Endeavor, Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher? ( The Class is in Uproar ) Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's Brain? ( The Class breaks out into Laughter ) Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, touched or Smelt it? . . . No one appears to have done so. So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that You have No Brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir? (The Room is Silent. The Professor stares at the Student, his face unfathomable) Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son. Student : That is it sir . . . The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that Keeps Things Moving & Alive. NB: I believe you have enjoyed the Conversation . . . and if so . . . You'll probably want your Friends / Colleagues to enjoy the same . . . won't you? Forward them to Increase their Knowledge . . . or FAITH. It turned out later that the student is Albert Einstein

Err... Gundam Seed had 49 episodes, and it was broadcasted weekly non-stop. I think you mistook their second season which was Gundam Seed Destiny. Also it is not peculiar to change opening theme mid season, as most Anime practice this to feature a dramatic change in story.

A very self-important college freshman at a recent footballgame took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own. "You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young People today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ..and uh.." Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the "wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young..... so we invented them ...... you arrogant little sh*t head!! Now what are you doing for the next generation??"

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.. Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate People and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand. He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?" Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document." He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening. The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian," he called. The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time. "Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" Well! She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

A distinguished looking young woman on a flight returning to the U.S. from Switzerland finds herself seated next to a priest and asks, "Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?""Well of course; what can I do for you?" he replies. "Here's my dilemma, I purchased an expensive new high-tech hair drier for myself. I don't want to declare it for fear Customs will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secrete it through Customs for me under your robes?" "I certainly could do that, my dear, but I must warn you that I will not tell a lie..." "You have such an honest face, Father, surely they will never ask any questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair drier. After landing, they proceed through Customs and it is soon the priest's turn in line. "Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer. "From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son." Finding this answer a little strange, the Customs officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?" The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..." Roaring with laughter, the Customs officer says, "Go right on through, Father. Next!"

Seems a businessman went to Vegas every year. One year he lost everything but $10 and his plane ticket home. He spots a cab and explains his dilemma to the cabby, asking for a ride - caby says "its $25 to the airport - if you don't have it you ain't riding". So the guy pleads, "listen, I'll give you my driver's license and when I get home, I'll send you $100 for all the hassles." "Forget it - now get out of my cab". OK, so the businessman hitch-hikes to the airport barely getting there on time. The following year he returns, this time winning big. As he comes out to get a cab, there's a whole line of them....and there at the end of the line is that caby that gave him the rough time. So he jumps in the first cab "how much for a ride to the airport?" "$25", the caby replied. "Great, and how much extra for a blow job on the way?" "GET OUTTA MY CAB YOU WEIRDO!" was the response. And he does this to each and every cab there....until he gets to the one from last year. "How much for a ride to the airport?" "$25" was the reply. "Great, lets go," the businessman says. And as they ride past all the other cabs/cabbies....the businessman gives all of them a big grin and a thumbs up!

One day the brain and the heart were argueing over if they were the most important part of the body. The brain told the heart that he was the seat of thought, insperation, knowledge, mans highest achievements. The Heart said it was the strength, the power, the feeder of the other parts of the body, without him the brain would not be. The Asshole listened to this drivel for a while and decided to do something about it and closed up for a time. Three days later the brain was getting dizzey and frantic, the heart was beating overtime to get rid of the extra stress, both pleading their case to their lower body cousin. Finally he relented and a sigh of releif was had by all. Which goes to show, no matter how intelligent, or strong you are there will always be an asshole at the head office to screw up the job.

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS And…… 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF. THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said: "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day, the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He coudn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said: "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off. Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!" Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me."

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range. "Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude." "You must be an computer engineer," responded the balloonist. "I am," the man replied. "How did you know?" "Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager." "That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

George called his boss and said: 'Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today, I'm really ill... I've got a headache, stomach ache, my leg hurts, I can't come in to work." The boss says, "George I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later George calls again, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. You've got a nice house."

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and .... begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2. 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4. 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"? ! Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 People get on the bus. In Reading, six People get off the bus and nine People get on. In Swindon, two People get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 People get off and 16 People get on. In Swansea, three People get off and five People get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!