durendal

Son: Dad, what's the better way to say fart? Dad: Wind of Change Son: What about a fart with no sound? Dad: Sound of Silence Son: What about a fart with poo? Dad: Dust in the Wind Son: What about an unintentional fart? Dad: That's what you call Careless Whisper!

Guy 1: Dude, you know, I used to be arrogant... now I'm humble. Guy 2: Really? I'm proud of you! When did your arrogance disappear? Guy 1: Since I became PERFECT!

FACTS OF LIFE A boy's voice changes when he becomes a man A woman's voice changes when she becomes a wife...

MARRIAGE ONE LINERS We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage! A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man! A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife! A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want! Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die! If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument. Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two People the same thing. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all ! A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!" Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced! Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. Marriage is a rest period between romances. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper. Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living. - God forbid. Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter." Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!! Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street. TV has no place in love. Marriage is a fight for remote control. Love is dinner in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet. Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children. Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa. In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style... If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident... If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture... If parents make a mistake, It is a new generation... If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law... If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention... If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion... If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory... If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake...... If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that Read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: " Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A guy walks into the human Resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. “I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible." "You’ve been fired from every job.” “Yes,” says the man. “Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.” “Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”

(The bakery had just closed. I had clocked out, and was on my way out of the store.) Lady: “Excuse me, could you decorate this cake for me?” Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. My shift is over, and the bakery is closed.” Lady: “But I need it done for tomorrow! If you don’t do it, I’ll call your manager!” Me: “Ma’am, what do you do for a living?” Lady: “I’m a dentist…” Me: “Would you like to look at my teeth after your shift ends, for free?” Lady: “That’s different. My job is hard. Anyone could do your job.” Me: “Then you won’t mind taking that cake home and decorating it yourself.”

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news, "the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings. "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The man was your doctor."

A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No", replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" "No.", replied the Managing Director. "Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!

LIFE AT WORK IS GOOD! A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!

Well, before you read the continuation, I would suggest you read the Manga starting from chapter 1 as the Anime ommitted many elements of the manga. One example is that they've never shown pip in the anime.

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

One day, a man went to the doctor because he was getting a burning sensation every time that he pooped. The doctor told him that in order to get rid of it, he would need to clean out his colon once a week for the next month. He gave the man a cleaning rod and shoved it up his butt for the first cleaning. The man took the rod home and a week later tried to attempt the cleaning himself. However, he couldn't get it in at the right angle by himself so he called in his wife. She sympathetically shoved it up and cleaned his colon for him when he let out a gasp. "What is it Sweetheart?" asked his wife. "I just realized," answered the man "that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!"

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."

An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex. While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!" A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong. They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong." This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming. The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?" "No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

Email to HR e-mail one Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader e-mail two Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability. Regards, Project Leader

When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

This is a story about four People named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books. The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said. Hitman: where is the money? Accountant signs he does not know Brother: he said he does not know Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you! Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination. Hitman: what did he say? Brother: you don't have the balls!

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million People who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 People in Prisons. That leaves Just two People to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group." The man says O.K. He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance. The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization." As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.