durendal

INTERESTING CONVERSATION An Atheist Professor of Philosophy speaks to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, the ALMIGHTY. He asks one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . . Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ? Student : Yes, sir. Professor : So you Believe in GOD ? Student : Absolutely, sir. Professor : Is GOD Good ? Student : Sure. Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ? Student : Yes. Professor : My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm? ( Student is silent ) Professor : You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella. Is GOD Good? Student : Yes. Professor : Is Satan good ? Student : No. Professor : Where does Satan come from ? Student : From . . . GOD . . . Professor : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World? Student : Yes. Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct? Student : Yes. Professor : So who created evil ? (Student does not answer) Professor : Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they? Student : Yes, sir. Professor : So, who Created them ? ( Student has no answer ) Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you. Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD? Student : No, sir. Professor : Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD? Student : No , sir. Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter? Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't. Professor : Yet you still Believe in HIM? Student : Yes. Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith. Professor : Yes, Faith. And that is the Problem Science has. Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat? Professor : Yes. Student : And is there such a thing as Cold? Professor : Yes. Student : No sir. There isn't. ( The Lecture Theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events ) Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat, a Little Heat or No Heat. But we don't have anything called Cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as Cold. Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat. We cannot Measure Cold. Heat is Energy. Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it. ( There is Pin - Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre ) Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness? Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness? Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the Absence of Something… You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . . But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called Darkness, isn't it? In reality, Darkness isn't. If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you? Professor : So what is the point you are making, Young Man ? Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed. Professor : Flawed ? Can you explain how? Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD. You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought. It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing. Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey? Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do. Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir? ( The Professor shakes his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument is going ) Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and Cannot even prove that this Process is an On - Going Endeavor, Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher? ( The Class is in Uproar ) Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's Brain? ( The Class breaks out into Laughter ) Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, touched or Smelt it? . . . No one appears to have done so. So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that You have No Brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir? (The Room is Silent. The Professor stares at the Student, his face unfathomable) Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son. Student : That is it sir . . . The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that Keeps Things Moving & Alive. NB: I believe you have enjoyed the Conversation . . . and if so . . . You'll probably want your Friends / Colleagues to enjoy the same . . . won't you? Forward them to Increase their Knowledge . . . or FAITH. It turned out later that the student is Albert Einstein

Err... Gundam Seed had 49 episodes, and it was broadcasted weekly non-stop. I think you mistook their second season which was Gundam Seed Destiny. Also it is not peculiar to change opening theme mid season, as most Anime practice this to feature a dramatic change in story.

A very self-important college freshman at a recent footballgame took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own. "You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young People today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ..and uh.." Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the "wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young..... so we invented them ...... you arrogant little sh*t head!! Now what are you doing for the next generation??"

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.. Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate People and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand. He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?" Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document." He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening. The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian," he called. The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time. "Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" Well! She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

A distinguished looking young woman on a flight returning to the U.S. from Switzerland finds herself seated next to a priest and asks, "Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?""Well of course; what can I do for you?" he replies. "Here's my dilemma, I purchased an expensive new high-tech hair drier for myself. I don't want to declare it for fear Customs will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secrete it through Customs for me under your robes?" "I certainly could do that, my dear, but I must warn you that I will not tell a lie..." "You have such an honest face, Father, surely they will never ask any questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair drier. After landing, they proceed through Customs and it is soon the priest's turn in line. "Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer. "From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son." Finding this answer a little strange, the Customs officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?" The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..." Roaring with laughter, the Customs officer says, "Go right on through, Father. Next!"

Seems a businessman went to Vegas every year. One year he lost everything but $10 and his plane ticket home. He spots a cab and explains his dilemma to the cabby, asking for a ride - caby says "its $25 to the airport - if you don't have it you ain't riding". So the guy pleads, "listen, I'll give you my driver's license and when I get home, I'll send you $100 for all the hassles." "Forget it - now get out of my cab". OK, so the businessman hitch-hikes to the airport barely getting there on time. The following year he returns, this time winning big. As he comes out to get a cab, there's a whole line of them....and there at the end of the line is that caby that gave him the rough time. So he jumps in the first cab "how much for a ride to the airport?" "$25", the caby replied. "Great, and how much extra for a blow job on the way?" "GET OUTTA MY CAB YOU WEIRDO!" was the response. And he does this to each and every cab there....until he gets to the one from last year. "How much for a ride to the airport?" "$25" was the reply. "Great, lets go," the businessman says. And as they ride past all the other cabs/cabbies....the businessman gives all of them a big grin and a thumbs up!

One day the brain and the heart were argueing over if they were the most important part of the body. The brain told the heart that he was the seat of thought, insperation, knowledge, mans highest achievements. The Heart said it was the strength, the power, the feeder of the other parts of the body, without him the brain would not be. The Asshole listened to this drivel for a while and decided to do something about it and closed up for a time. Three days later the brain was getting dizzey and frantic, the heart was beating overtime to get rid of the extra stress, both pleading their case to their lower body cousin. Finally he relented and a sigh of releif was had by all. Which goes to show, no matter how intelligent, or strong you are there will always be an asshole at the head office to screw up the job.

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS And…… 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF. THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said: "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day, the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He coudn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said: "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off. Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!" Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me."

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range. "Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude." "You must be an computer engineer," responded the balloonist. "I am," the man replied. "How did you know?" "Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager." "That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

George called his boss and said: 'Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today, I'm really ill... I've got a headache, stomach ache, my leg hurts, I can't come in to work." The boss says, "George I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later George calls again, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. You've got a nice house."

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and .... begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2. 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4. 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"? ! Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 People get on the bus. In Reading, six People get off the bus and nine People get on. In Swindon, two People get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 People get off and 16 People get on. In Swansea, three People get off and five People get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the bird went missing! The priest knew that bird fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a bird?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a bird?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a bird that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my bird? All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie

PRISON VS. WORK Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON.. You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watc hing TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.. you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers. Have a Great Day at WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before computers: Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy . . . . . you just hoped nobody ever found out! !

Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. Ready? GO!!! (scroll down) First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you? Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right? Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again Okay, now the bonus round: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

A first grade teacher was having discipline problems with a student named Harry. "Harry, what seems to be your major problem with my class?" He answered, "I'm just too smart to be in the first grade, and as a matter of fact I'm smarter than my sister who's in the third grade. So I think I should be in the third grade with her." The teacher was so upset at his arrogance she took him down to the principal's office. She sat him outside and went in to see the principal. Together they devised a plan they thought was sure to put this little know-it-all back in his place. The principal told Harry he was going to give him a test, but if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly he would have to go back with his 1st grade teacher to her classroom, and be good from here on out. Harry agreed to the terms as they were explained to him, and the test went something like this: Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal asked that he thought a third grader should know. He looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Harry should be in the third grade." But Ms. Brooks was not satisfied, and asked if she could ask some questions with the same conditions. Harry and the principal both agreed. Ms. Brooks: "What does a cow have that I only have two of?" Harry: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I don't have?" The principal was a little surprised at this line of questioning. Harry answered, "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a "c," ends with a "t" , is hairy , oval, delicious, and contains thin whitish fluid? Harry: "Coconut." Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and sticky?" The principal started gasping for breath, and before he could direct Harry not to answer, Harry said, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shakes hands." Ms. Brooks: "What starts with the letter 'f' and ends with the letter 'k' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" The principal started to tremble. Harry: "Firetruck." "That's enough!" said the principal. "Put Harry in the fifth grade! I got the last seven questions wrong."

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. . God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're a Tax Man.... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!" Happy Tax time!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer, who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-officer, a grizzly an old Master chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Master Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Master Chief to "drop' em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Master Chief calmly replied,........... "Vietnam"

Subject: Airplane Repair Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget