Steel

Thanks for the encouragement. I think I should start making an effort to write more. If I can make myself do it a few hours every day off then I will get the writing bug back and be able to do more. My own expiriences have left me with a desire to revisit an old creation of mine. A supernatural based RPG I used to run a few years back. I always ment to redo it in a sort based from. I think I'll try that and spice it up a little. I'll probubly post the first drafts in the fan creation section to see if I get any feedback. I did not bad on this weeks "Ryuki Task". I was a little less tired when I tried it. I think the fact my pool was very empty is saying alot. I'd still do anything for my family and friends but I feel ever more increasingly alienated from them. Works been falling on days I'd normaly hang out with friends and I just sence them changing on me more and more evey time I see them. Family wise I unfortnatly only really see them once or twice a year. Usualy on christmas. I'm never really myself with them. Usualy I just bury everything that is wrong with me and be as nice as I can for a few days. I guess this is why I dont feel they know the actual me. Sort of stupid to expect them too be mind readers. I suspect this is why the figure I met on the bridge was Fiona. She is the only person I feel I've let in compleatly and while I've felt unconditionaly loved by my family it not quite the same. It was hard to get into it at first but once I got going it flowed easily. Personaly what I got from it is that I'm still not at the acceptiance stage of her loss.

Becoming a comic writer is pretty much my dream job, Maybe creating a pen and paper RPG system and series of books would also be up there... but its never seemed like something that was actualy possible. I may just manage to write some fiction books if I'm really lucky and have some help but my hopes of being a comic book legend are pretty much shattered. However I'm in the mood to write at the moment so I may give it a bash again for some practice. On my travels I have picked up a workable amount of other languages. The usual, enough to get you around and ask for basic things, but when I was in china I pretty much HAD to learn mandarin. I could speak it pretty well and did so for a number of years, but I've not had any need for a good seven years now so alot is forgoten. I could pick it up quickly if I had too but its not something I could ever teach some one. Plus I could only speak it. I could read Pinyin but it took a while but at least it was phonetic. Reading Hanzi on the other hand I could only recognise a few characters. I do think I've ajusted to my brain damage, but the problem is there is alot of learning that didn't go in. So I may not nessisarily be as dyslexic as I used to be but the holes in my edication and certain things that I didn't take in hamper my abilities.

Black and Brunette are pretty much tied in my mind but it can depend various other factors. Oddly i think maybe Redheads after that but thats even more spesific, some have a really nice shade some not so much. I find blonde too genericly rammed down my throat as suposedly the hottest. I think I'm trying to be non conformist by liking it least. But I've always been that way so maybe not. I do feel slightly shallow for my tastes but I also dont think you can control the phenotype you are atracted too. I incedentaly have black hair myself, I'm sure if that has something too do with it aswell.

Ah... well that sucks. Best to try and not let it get too you. Sometimes if you fall out with a friend who's going through a bad patch it seems there is nothing you can do to help, you just have to watch them self destruct. Some people are too stubourn to accept help.

Yeah there is definatly not enough courtship or groundwork happening these days. People generaly take it too fast and then run out of steam, realising they arn't as compatable as they once thought (or didn't think) Relationships dont have the level of respect I would like. Everything is just a bit too casual. Ok for some but not for me. And I think we all want someone to share our intests with, but I'm in that same boat of my friends not liking the same stuff I do. Its a bit harder to make new friends these days. I wont lie and say there arn't a whole bunch of things I dont miss terrably about not being in a solid relationship but I'm not ready for a new one and alot of the women I know just arnt what I'm for.

Thats cool dude there is no need to feel like you are spilling someone elses personal details or breaking their privacy. Thats all we need to know really. If you think that some focus and dedication can rectify certain things then just try and add encouragment. I'm sure you are doing that already though. Just be there for them, its all you can do.

I remember I had a scribe for one or two tests at school. I cranked out work realy fast that way. Unfortunatly the structure suffered as it was basicly just popping into my head, I was saying it and she was typing it. I think two write storys I'd need to blurt it all out first. Then structure it properly, then correct all the gramar and spelling. Still that was suprisingly easy... I was expecting to have to do some more motivating there, but you dont need much help at all really. Bummer about your friend though. You think he can bounce back? Or maybe it wont be as bad as it seems.

BannanaMagic sounds like something that os probubly best not captured on film. On another note BK I'm the same. I definatly prefer Brunettes.

Yeah I have that same problem with writing. It sort of kills my desire to do so as I know the shear number of mistakes will be very disheartening. Spellchecks dont often help as sometimes I mangle a word so bad it's got no clue what I'm saying. Give your mum a phone and ask her to help you out. Make it this week or as soon as she is free, that way you have to do it. Do it! dont make me astral project over there and annoy your cat!

Sorry to hear that man. Some times nothing seems to work right. We just have to keep on trying, and if you can maintain your positive out look it'll make it alot easier to cope. Its unfortunate that alot of us can just hope things get better, without being able too do much to actualy help you... but if there is something you need then just ask. I'll do my best to help.

Yeah thats pretty much what I thought it was. I felt the cottage would be easier to navagate but obviously my subconscious feels the need to be freaking extravagant (look at me I'm a Mansion! none of your piffly small buildings for me! Noooooo...) I'm sort of waiting for it too turn resident evil on me. That would be typical. The main problem is I could only get it through the second story of the building. The other doors were locked... but maybe thats just me being stubourn. I seriously dont see why I lock them. Surly I can just tell myself that I open the door. Dosn't seem to work that way though. I tried cheating but it broke my concentration and I irritated myself so much I started again. I think perhaps its me not wanting to know what is deep down inside. I talk about self discovery but perhaps there is always a part of me that still hase that lack of self confidence. While rationaly I can brush off all those years of bullying, there is only so much you can take before a little bit of it seeps in and part of you doubts youself. I think this is the part of me that dosn't want to actualy fully explore myself. In case everything is sudenly true and I'm a stupid selfish coward. I know its not true but there were times when I thought it might be. I think my will is more of a sledgehammer than a precise instrement. I blast through things with force but perhaps its not the most thourough job.

Ok I seem to be having real trouble finding the cottage in your exorsize Ryuki. However in its place was a big black and white mansion. So after the third time I found that instead of the cottage I decided to have a look inside. Went around the back and found some stairs to the second level and I shook the window to unlatch it before going into a small hallway. Inside is sort of a strange maze of corrodors and rooms with locked doors but no sign of whats inside them. Its all decorated like an old murder mistory type house. I sort of get lost in it. I've found a study but no library. The odd thing is its the same lay out every time... which is sort of convinient. Although I think I should try it when I'm not about to go too sleep. Might help me concentrait and actualy find what I'm looking for rather than eventualy falling asleep. I didn't manage to project this week but I did have two instances of seeing things. The shadow people have returned. I dont think I mentioned seeing them before but when I was in my late teens and early twenties I used to see shadowy figures. Usualy at night but also once or twice in the day time. They only apear at a glance and melt away if you look at them for any length of time. They look as you would expect from the name, being a sort of three dimentional shadow but nothing there to cast it. I was on some medication at the time so I put it down to that as they went away about the time I stopped taking the tablets. I think its just my brain playing tricks on me. There is a state of awake dreaming, I think this is what I'm tapping into. Anyway the first one I saw late at night when I got up to go to the toilet and looked out of the window. It was across the street next to the streetlight. It vanished into the darkness behind the wall. The second was actualy at work. I had to cover a night shift. I saw it at the end of a hallway. This is teh only time it had a face I could see eyes and teeth in the form of a grin. It looked at me for a moment before melting away through a window. Now in both cases I was very tired so I think my mind is just playing tricks on me. Hopefuly it wont continue. Dreaming whilst awake can aparently lead to Narcolepsy, or be some other wacky nurological or psycological disorder. Heck I seem to be doing it and even I'm skeptical of what I'm actualy expiriencing. I dont really believe in a soul... but how on earth am I doing this? I dont know. I still think its a weird hallucinogenic state. I was sent to a school that delt with learning difficultys when I was about 11. My parents struggled to find out what was wrong with me and sent me to an expert. Even he coudn't diagnose what was wrong as I was aparently a very confusing case. I showed signs of being dyslexic but would score really highly on some tests that I shouldn't have been able too do. Yet low on others. This is why they think its braindamage rather than me being truly dyslexic. Although it confuses things further when I was tested again at college and got a high risk factor in a dyslexic test. Who knows really. Its quite likly that tests are just way more advanced now or I really am just a strange case. The first guy said it was my high IQ knocking the results off. Personaly I think my brain has just adapted to deal with the damage over the years. Hence why my clumbsyness dissapeared in my teens (to the extent that I became far more agile and coordinated than anyone else my age, even in my martial arts class... Heheh much revenge was had) It was actualy a bording school that I was sent too. Although no where near like the private schools you see in films and media. It did help. Although even at that school there was only one class that were "Special" so that didn't really help when it came to being ostracized. Still even the toughest bullies learned to respect me there. The first few years were hell though... But yeah the curriculum was very diffrent. I suspect that it was a year or two below where it should have been plus missing out on sevoral classes. I was never tought a foraign language at school and even though I was good at science I was marked down because of my spelling and gramer (why? its not english class?) and while I loved art the teacher hated anything comic book styled... which was what I did. So I was discouraged that way. I always hated that that happened to me even more than the other crap I had to deal with. Its a hard business to get into but I think I could have at least had a good level of skill at it if not for being pushed away from it at every turn. Still those are the dice I was cast. I may regret stuff and wish things were diffrent, but many things I'd still want to do the same. Made me who I am. ... now only if I could get a school reunion. I was very much the ugly duckling for my school years. Lanky, skinny and had bad skin. Now I'm 6'3, 210lbs of healthy muscle, my skin is all cleared up and I seem too look about five years younger than anyone else I know from my school years. I got my confidence up, have a job that makes me feel like I'm making a diffrence and have multiple propertys that earn me money. I dont even have to beat the crap out of those people who treated me like dirt... although perhaps there were two guys who would REALLY deserve it. Sometimes its hard trying to be a passifist.

I'll garentee there was very little hidden meaning behind this but last night I had a wacky dream that the earth was under alien attack and the some of the survivors piloted super robots to try and alow the others time to evacuate on a big space ship. The problem was that the robots seemed to be fussy and would only alow themselves to be piloted by very spesific individuals. I kept trying but the robots would short circuit when I turned them on. They all had a sort of green compatability bar that would fill up. They were pretty much a rip off of all the robots I've seen over the years. There were some Gundam, transformers, Mazinger and so on... but all the sort of same twenty foot whatever scale. Anyway one of my friends sacrificed himself to buy us time to get to the last of the survivors onto the ship but we'd nearly all out robots by then. The alien ships were still comming and we needed time too alow the ship to take off. I ran off too the feild where the remaining uncompatable robots were and spotted a silver Gurren Lagann. I'd tried it three times before but it didn't work, but it was the only one that didn't short circuit when I tried it. The bar just filled slightly before turning off. I ran over and jumped it in. This time the bar almost reached the top so I shouted at it and it filled all the way up and came too life. I looked up at the alien ships comming towards us and shot off to head them off... then woke up. The main weird part is that although people were dying all over the place it felt light hearted. I didn't actualy feel anywhere near as stressed or sad as I would do normaly and heading off to fight the aliens didn't feel like I was going off to die. Everything was sort of bright, sunny and optimistic. Odd that I havn't seen Gurren Lagann in years...

Yeah I can agree with you on that. Comic wise contenuity can suffer even unintentionaly. You have multiple writers and artists all working on the same charcter. Flaws are always going to pop up. In just nice to have a base idea of how things work and gloss over the indiscrepancys that don't make much sence. No real reason we should accept bad righting just because its published. Sort of how I like to pretend Hudlin Black Panther run is in some wacky alternate universe. Back to the movie though and Boots aside. I do actualy like the look. I was always a fan of the Ben Reilly costume and this looks half way between that and the classic look. Although my favorates are the black suit and 2099. Story wise I just hope that its dosn't tred too much of the same origin water that the first Sam Raimi film. Its like superman... is there anyone who really dosn't know their origin? Looking forward to the Lizard though

Yeah they try to stick with atleast a slightly sciency explanation for the powers of most non magical heroes these day. Heck there are books on the Science of the marvel universe.

Wow thank you for taking the time to read all my rambling and for that post. I do apriciate it. To start with please dont think I'm a better person that you. Its entairly subjective. All that matters is the will to be a good person. I'm not the way I am without the journy it took to get here. I'm not without my missjudgements and regrets ether. I can empathize with what you are saying about the loss of your sister and grandparents. I lost an uncle when I was young and I find myself missing not actualy getting to know him more than the actual loss. I think we form versions of people in our heads. Its perhaps how your sister could walk and talk to you in your dream. You keep her alive in your imagining of her. It took me many years to work things out. I can only realy voice what I have come to think and understand from my own viewpoint... but the way I see it is most of us are born with out genetics, which dictate some of our personality traits. I'll explain my roughly who I am through my history but please feel free to gloss over it.. I'm sure it will end up being a stupidly long way of making my point. Also I'm never sure if I've mentioned something before. Ok so as I was saying about how we are born with stuff. true too form my main one would be stubourness. At birth I was very ill. Premature and I had pneumonia. I was taken to away as soon as I was born and put in a incubation chamber. They didn't hold out much hope and even said to my dad that if I survived I'd be fighter. Unfortunatly I medicly died sevoral times, resulting in braindamage that takes the form of something similar to dyslexia and other learning disabilitys. But I pulled through and although my parents thought I was badly mentaly damaged I aparently used to mess with them even at that age. I'd never do what they tried to get me to do. When my mom used to try and get me to do a jigsaw to see if my intelligence was damaged then I'd sit there and drool. Then later they found me doing the jigsaw with the peices upside down. Not going by the picture but just the shapes. My Dad always tells me of how I'd never back down too him when he used to try and train me to do things (seriously I think he tried to train me like you would a dog... he's weird that way). Generaly I was aparently a happy kid... if maybe a bit of a nightmare when they wanted to control me. Wasn't till school that I developed massive insecuritys. Because my mental disabilitys wern't diagnosed (till I was in my freaking twentys) the teachers thought I was stupid and lazy. One was a perticularly nasty woman and used to drag me around by my ear and shout at me about how stupid I was in front of everyone. One time she made me stand in the corner till I wet myself. This was not a good start and lets face it, kids arnt the most sympathetic bunch. Wasn't long before I was bullied by virtualy everyone. Along with my lack of attention span and problems with reading, writing and numbers came climbsyness. I was seriously unco-ordinated. Used to trip over things all the time and was useless at sports. So my dad's idea was to put me in karate class. He's a former Ju-jutsu champion himself. Naturaly I was crap at it... used to get beaten up on a weekly basis and it took me far longer to learn than anyone else. I used to cry every time I had to go but my Dad is stubourn too and belived it was the right thing for me. Now he was also attached to the forces. So I had to put up with moving to a new place as he got three year tours. This further effected my learning but I wont lie in being glad to get away and have a new start every three years. A new chance to not be picked on each time. Finaly when I was eight we moved to Gibraltar. I loved it there. I had friends with similar intrests, school was laxed so no one noticed how far behind I was and I was actualy semi popular. I was finaly getting more co-ordinated too. I was only just slightly less clumbsy than a regular boy. I wasn't doing too bad in the new karate class ether as I'd been doing it (badly) for four years but I was in the beginners group so no one knew. Made it seem like I was learning faster than I actualy was. Used to run about all day out there. Climbing rocks and exploring. But one by one my friends dropped away as they too moved every three years and had all been there longer than me. I found it hard making new friends but I got in with another group who were slightly older than me. They were rather thuggish and started picking on one of the other kids who was my age just because he was irish. Sadly I joined in but only enough to remain accepted. I felt horrible for every minute of it. The bullying started to esculate, and soon they started to turn it physical. Then tragicly there was an IRA terrorist incident (I think at a petrol station) in gibraltar. The group turned really savage on the poor kid (also called Chris) and decided that they were going to hunt him down and beat him up. I didn't even have to do anything. I could have just hid, but I didn't know what too do and felt trapped. Then we all split up to find him. I took off on my own and as fate would have it I found him first. He knew we were comming and was covering behind a wall. He couldnt' get home as we were in his way. There was a big fence with a gate that lead all the way around to the other side of the compound we were on but there was no way he could out run us and they would just split up and hed him off. I heard them comming behind me. I'd stupidly led them right too him. I grabbed him. Still not wanting to go through with it and I saw the shear terror in his eyes. I remembered all the horrible times I had suffered. I could just throw him too them and I wouldn't have to do anything. I knew if I let him go I'd be treated the same as him and we'd both be run down and beaten. But I couldn't bare that look. It was too late too run they were just feet away and laughing. I looked back at Chris and he was crying his eyes out, scared for his life. I let him go and he looked at me in puzzlement. I shouted at him to run. It took him a second to realise and ran to the gate. The others started to run also. I knew he woudlnt' make it so I threw myself against the gate. Chris was already through it. I held it shut as they tried to pull me away but I held on with all my strength and screemed at him to run away and get help. They started hitting me. One of them used a rock that almost cracked my skull, but in that moment I felt more strength than I have EVER felt. I remained standing and wouldn't budge. Five kids all older and bigger than me couldn't prize my grip off that gate. Eventualy I fell unconcious. I woke in hospital with stitches in my head, lip, eyebrow and cheek. My kidneys had been damaged and I had suffered internal bleeding. It took me a few days to even walk again. I was nine years old and that was the biggest defining moment in my whole life. I made a packt with myself that day to always stand up for the little guy. Always take the pain for others if I could. Because I survived that, they could knock me out but they couldn't beat me. I realised that nothing can beat me unless I let it. I ended up on the front of the local paper for that. Every parent was up in arms and there was a massive clamp down on bullying. I never saw those kids again. I did see Chris a few times though. He even tracked me down a few years back and still thanked me. I've expireinced many greater threats than that over my years but none have shaped me as much. None fill me with as much pride. I dont think they can compare. Over the years I've become acustomed to violence. It dosn't phase me like it would do to someone who hasn't expirienced it as often. So although I've fought back against muggers and even been stabbed I dont see it as being anywhere near the same. I'm not scared anymore. The fear of what will happen to me died that day so what I do isn't really bravery. What I'm trying to say is that was amazingly personal for me. If I hadn't been bullied I may not have had the empathy that unlocked the courage to make that stand. Someone else cant be held to the same level of acountability. Especialy now that I'm way more expirienced. Seeing violence should be shocking because its not something in your nature. There for it panics you and you fear it. However the more you see it the more you become acustomed to it and can actualy engage those fuctions that enable you to do the right thing. If you believe and you want to do it then you can. But we all cant be held under the same microscope and held to the same levels. We are all diffrent. I feel like I'm being boastful so I'll stop at Chris' life years one-nine... for now.

Not really, at least I'm not trying to. I just said I dont like the size of teh web shooters of the silver shoe things. I dont know enough about the movie to judge that. We are all perfectly entitald to not like the look of something. I argued the cannon of X-men but I dont know enough about this to give my opinion... and thats all it is, an opinion. Your right in that it may not matter to hollywood but that dosn't mean I should shut up and take it does it? And maybe your right and and the silver feet bits are to help them with their CGI refrencing. I personaly dont think so. They look a little elaboratly designed for that... plus why only his feet if that is the case. I think they are part of his suit and we will see him wearing them in the film. And whats wrong with wanting accuracy to the sourse subject? Yes something has to apeal to the masses, but why does that mean what a fan like and what the regular public like have to be diffrent? They dont. Selling tickets and making money IS the idea behind blockbuster movies. Yes its rarly for the art of it. But if you are true to the fans then you have a following that will loyaly buy your product. Not every joe public will on the other hand. I dont know a single friend who has buyght a superhero type movie. Not even the good ones, and these are people who actualy liked the films. I on the other hand have bought the ones I like, and happy back them. So I dont really get the Regular Public vs Fans thing. Box office wise, yes the public may spend more, but fans are long term and that adds up.

I have the same problem with the images. Usualy I'll have thoughts and plans run around my head while I'm trying to get to sleep by when I try and still my mind I get weird almost subliminal message type flashes of things. It usualy happens when I'm trying to do my astral projection. I see people places. The deeper I go the longer the flash becomes untill its like short movie clips. It'll be why Ryuki put you onto my blog as I've only started experimenting with this state of consciensness. It sounds to me like you might be able too do it too. Ever had sleep paralysis? You seem to be able to lucid dream or at least get that sence like its actualy remote viewing rather than a regular dream.

I can see why that may feel like a problem. Do you just come out with it right away or wait till things get a bit more serious and you actualy think it may turn into a long term relationship. Personaly dont think anyone worth having a relationship with would use your condition as a deal breaker. Only once have I had what I would call a proper relationship, and it was at a time where I had decided to be perfectly honist. In the first few times we dated I expressed as much of myself as I could. My strength, humour and values plus my flaws and baggage. I know that would have scared most people away but it worked. For the first time I tried not to talk myself up or be someone that I thought they would want me to be. I didn't see the point. Yeah there was no way I could express everything but for a relationship to mean anything I dont think settling for anything less than that one person who seems to understand you and accepts who you really are. So if I were in your shoes I would mention it sooner than later. You said its not something your overly sensitive about so say that. Its just something you'll have to deal with down the line. Lots of people cant predict what illnesses or ailments will creep up on them. This just happens to be something you know and hope for the best case senario. Yes it may put a serious and perhaps somber tone to the conversation but if it dosn't bring out their compationate side then as I said... they arn't worth you. All I can say to anyone is try and find happyness within yourself. Social pressure makes us feel like we are losers if we arnt in a relationship. Thats a recent phenominon. It is perfectly ok to be single. A relationship isn't what defines you, dont make it that. Dont settle for something that dosn't feel right. This is of course just my opinion as to how I would aproch things. Ultimatly it has to be something your are comfortable with and something you think it right.

Yeah thats true. The mark of Kaine would kind of burn your face off. Hairs or even talons 2099 style wouldn't do that. It was something a little more adhesive based. It would be something that he'd have to control or he'd just stick to everything he touched.

Hmm thats an intresting theory on what Lilah might be. Never considered that. Better than thinking she's Death at least I tried to do the Library thing but I got stuck in the feild. Might get a relaxation tape (not an actual tape as I have no way of playing one of those anymore) to help clear my head. Too many things are just popping in their and distracting me. You ever tried anything like this yourself?

Even so my point still stands. Spidey shouldn't be able to stick too walls with soles on his feet. In the comics they had Ezekiel, who posessed the same powers as Peter and had to take off his loafers too stick to the wall. I'd like to think that the silver boot things are just so the stuntman dosn't hurt his feet and it'll be CGIed out but there are easier ways of disguising it than CGI. Heck if they were red then you probubly woulnd't see them anyway without a close look. They could easily be pattered to blend in. I really think they are part of the design. Same silver as the ugly web shooters. Seriously those things are huge looking.

Yeah I can understand that they have to sell it to the producers and so on but it baffles me when they have a perfectly viable story and butcher it into something almost unwatchable even for the general public who know nothing about the characters or history. If X-men First Class is a good story and is a solid film then I'll be happy. Annoyed at the lost potential but I can justify it. Making errors in their own created continuity is just lazy and poorly executed story telling.

Yeah he really makes it clear that its a prequel and he will become Patrick Stewart (should he be loosing his hair about now? I really cant remember a flashback where Charles had hair apart from when he was a kid. I actualy thought he shaved his head) But it really makes Beast seem confusing. Even if he is really young in this... say sixteen at the youngest they could get away with then he'd be in his late fiftys when he showed up in the Trillogy movies. I supose it sort of lines up with Kelsey Grammer's age but still seems to be pushing it a bit. Even more confusing if you look at Hank's cameo apearance in X-men 2 when he's shown on TV looking Human and in his late thirtys at the most... AAAAAAAAAGHHHHH They should have stuck with his big hands and feet but still human look. Save the furry blue beast for later.

The suit is very Ben Reilly Spider-man. I'm sure the did a more drastic redesign of the classic suit to differenciate it from the pervious trillogy. The Web Shooters and silver boot things look rather odd though. I get the point of actualy having more than just thin spandex protecting your feet but why have them silver? and I thought that Spidey could only grip to walls because of the thinness of his costume. Thats why he cant do it through shoes.