Humour thread

[durendal]

A few shorts.....

Student caught with a cheat sheet.

Teacher: What is this?

Student: My prayers.

Teacher: How come there are answers written?

Student: Oh My! My prayers are answered!!

=============================

Doctor: What is your profession

Girl: Substitute

Doctor: Don't you mean Prostitute?

Girl: No, my mother's the prostitute, when she gets sick, I substitute.

=============================

Job Interview

Boss: What do you know?

Candidate: I know where you and your wife lives, and I know where your mistress lives.

Boss: Your hired!

[Bobby]

This is a Mother's Day e-card I gave my mom this year. I also gave her the other five but this one got the biggest laugh out of her.

[durendal]

On a gambling den.

Man 1: Hey, you're wife's coming for you. She wants you to go home.

Man 2: Don't worry, I'll just show her my tattoo and she'll leave.

(Wife arrives and the second man showed his tattoo)

Man 1: Wow man, unbelievable, can you show me your tattoo?

TATTOO: "PLEASE GO AHEAD BOSS, I'LL FOLLOW IMMEDIATELY"

[durendal]

Some short jokes:

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

What did the little arithmetic book say to the big mathematics book?

You are bigger than me, but you have more problems, too!

Fortune cookie saying #33: Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Angry diner: Waiter! My rice tastes funny.

Waiter: Well, I don't see you laughing.

[durendal]

I'll probably get burned by this, but hey, this is a joke. And this is something that I just received from an Email and I thought I'd share.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[*Jess♥]

ha ha that was real good fun

[*Kenji Murakami]

Courtesy of RinkWorks:

I work for an entertainment company that has about 150 stores. We run servers in the back office that connect out to dumb terminals that the associates use to ring sales. This is probably the worst call I had to field in two and half years of tech support:

Her: "Umm, My thingies aren't up!"

Me: "Your thingies aren't up?"

Her: "Yes, my thingies aren't up!!"

Me: "Ok, calm down. What exactly are you talking about?"

Her: "The thingies! You know, the thingies that have wires coming out of them!"

Me: "Do you mean the cash registers?"

Her: "I guess."

Me: "Are you talking about the thing that looks like a small TV screen. The place you ring up sales?"

Her: "Yeah! The TV thingies! They aren't up!"

Me: "Ok. What happens when you flip the switch on the front of the monitor?"

Her: "Nothing."

Me: "Are all of your terminals blank? Like they're turned off?"

Her: "Yes. Everything looks turned off."

After ten minutes of checking power cords on one or two of the terminals her manager gets on the phone.

Him: "Why do you have my associate messing with the terminals?"

Me: "Because she called and asked for help."

Him: "Well I don't know who you think you are, but you WILL NOT tell my associates what to do!"

Me: "Well, sir, if you want this problem to get fixed, I'll have to talk to someone."

Him: "No! From now on we'll fix our problems by ourselves, we don't need your help anyway!" (click)

Riiiiinnnnnnngggggg.......

Him: "Yeah, I need some help. The last idiot I talked to didn't know what he was talking about."

Me: "Well, sir I'll be glad to help."

Him: "Nothing is working."

Me: "Does any of the equipment in the backroom have power?"

Him: "Hold on.... No. Nothing has power. This entire side of town has been blacked out since 3:00am."

Me: "Sir, I need you to take the monitor from terminal 1 and move it to terminal 4, then take terminal 6 and move it to terminal 1."

There is a long wait while he lugs the terminals around. It's not a pleasant task, because of all the dirt and dust that builds up.

Him: "Ok, I'm done. What now?"

Me: "Well, first, I was the 'idiot' you talked to before. Second, a man who doesn't realize that computers need power to work has no real right to comment on someone else's intelligence, does he?"

Him: "Uhh, bahh, uggh." (click)

The actual time I spent with the manager on the phone was about twenty minutes. I got written up, but it was worth it.

[LordSpleach]

Well done.

[durendal]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a CHRISTian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to GOD and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.

Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write GOD a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear GOD:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday I want a red one.

Your friend,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear GOD:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear GOD:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to GOD.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

[durendal]

Doctor teaching med students...

Dr: First thing you must learn is to remove your fear. (he inserted his finger in the anus of a corpse & licked it)

Dr: Now you do it ( all of the students did as the doctor had, afterwards)

Dr: Next is that you must be very observant. How many of you noticed that i put my middle finger but licked my index finger?

[durendal]

Nun: Mother Superior, I was raped. What will I do?

Mother Superior: Take this Lemon.

Nun: Will this ease the pain?

Mother Superior: Suck on it, so that it will wipe that big smile on your face.

[*Jess♥]

Doctor teaching med students...

Dr: First thing you must learn is to remove your fear. (he inserted his finger in the anus of a corpse & licked it)

Dr: Now you do it ( all of the students did as the doctor had, afterwards)

Dr: Next is that you must be very observant. How many of you noticed that i put my middle finger but licked my index finger?

it's a visual gag really.

[durendal]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[durendal]

Science flies you to the moon.

Religion flies you into buildings.

[durendal]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[durendal]

When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

[durendal]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[durendal]

I can't take Scientology seriously. It's the belief that humans were brought to earth by aliens on a spaceship carried by two massive lizards, which landed in a volcano and dispersed humans throughout the world. Then the aliens take off, and the lizards go and hide under the sea in massive caves.

Add two Italian plumbers to that and you've got the first five levels of Super Mario!

[durendal]

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

Johnny: I is..

Teacher: No, that's not correct Johnny. You should always say, 'I am.'

Johnny: Ok, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

[durendal]

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

[durendal]

A few shorts

Bartender: Sir, I noticed that every time you drink, you take a look at a picture in your pocket.

Man: Ah this? This is the picture of my wife... if she becomes beautiful then I'm going home.

=========

Sex is like Mathematics:

Add the bed, minus the lights, subtract the clothes, bring down the panty, divide the legs, be ready to multiply....

[durendal]

Now we know why he is a general.

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorist who perpetrated the 9/11 attack on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The general said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function.... OUR job is to arrange that meeting."

[durendal]

A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him, "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"

Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."

Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

Polish Man: "It made of concrete."

Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland."

Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"

Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."

Lawyer: "Is your wife a nagger?"

Polish Man: "No, she white."

Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"

Polish Man: "She going to kill me."

Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"

Polish Man: "I got proof.

Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"

Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say, ..... Polish Remover."

[durendal]

Subject: Scary people in our government

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so

that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who

wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport

information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid,

but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in

Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa''

his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida

package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was

expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in

the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see

England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent

a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover

in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was

a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know

how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at

8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the

concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical

description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No,

why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that

said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I

came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),

and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to

Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to

California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who

asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is

823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida. Do I

have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she

needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded

her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had

to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she

said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my

American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go

from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code

in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean

Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

[durendal]

Somewhat lame joke.

Indian with One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was "Onestone".

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "if anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that anymore.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good Morning, Onestone"

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the foest, then made made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Stone wouldn't die!

Why???

Oh, come on. Take a guess!!!

Think about it!!!

You're going to love this!!!

Everyone knows....

You can't kill Two Birds with Onestone!!!