Humour thread

[Toku Warrior]

I just finished watching a things on History about jokes so I'd thought I'd share a few.

(1)

Son: Father, I have my drivers liscense now. So I want to drive the family car.

Dad: Well son, you have to do three things for me first. 1) You have to improve your grades in school. 2) We both know I'm a minister and I notice you don't read the Bible often so I'd like to see you reading it. 3) You need to get a hair cut.

6 months pass and the son goes back up to his father as says,

Son: Dad, I think I'm ready to drive the family car.

Dad: Son, I'm so proud of you. You have improved your grades and I see you reading the Bible every night. But you have yet to get a hair cut.

Son: Well dad, in the Bible, Samuel had long hiar, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.

Dad: That's true. But they all Walked.

(2)

The ugliest woman on Earth walks into a store with her two sons. She goes up to a store clerk for assistence and the clerk looks at the two boys and asks the woman, "Ma'am, are your boys twins?" She goes, "No, one's 14 and one's 8. Why?" He goes, "I can't believe someone slept with you twice." (I replaced a few words in these jokes to make them a bit more appropriate).

(3)

An old man and a 10 yr old boy walk into the woods late one night. After hearing a noise then boy turns to the old man and says, "Mister, I'm scared." The old man turns to the boy and says, "You're scared, what about me? I'll be walking home alone."

(4)

A boy goes up to his father and asks him, "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?" The dad goes, "Go up staris and ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a stranger for $1,000,000. Then come back down and tell me what they say.

The boy does so and when he retruns the dad goes, "What did they say?" The boy goes, "They both said yes." The father goes, "Then there's the answer to your question. The difference between theory and reality is that in theory, we have $1,000,000 but in reality, we live with a couple of wh***s." (Take a stab at what this stands for - wh***s).

[*Kenji Murakami]

You know you should go to sleep when the sheep you’re counting start to hit the fence.

All work and no play is the average school day.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

True friendship comes when the silence between two People is comfortable.

[Cannibal]

Randomly came to my mind, two variants of answer of Creators:

[*Kenji Murakami]

[*Jess♥]

cannibal, those are great!!

i realy LMAO IRL at those

[*Kenji Murakami]

[*Jess♥]

i don't like those thumbnails. first of all they change too quick for me to read them. second of all, if they already started, it ruins the joke because you missed th start.

[*Kenji Murakami]

[*Jess♥]

thnks for that.

i don't get that pavlovs cat... rings bell?

the door bell? why would i ring the doorbel in relation to a cats food? I just can't understand it.

[*Kenji Murakami]

Cat's never do what they're told. :wink:

[durendal]

Lol at the darwinian theory of mans evolution.

here's my contribution:

An Old Chinese Proverb:

If you want happiness for an hour - TAKE A NAP

If you want happiness for a day - GO SHOPPING

If you want happiness for a lifetime - DON'T GET MARRIED

But if you want a lifetime of happiness despite a marriage - HAVE A PARTY.....A 3RD PARTY!

[*Kenji Murakami]

[durendal]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to herclass that, in Spanish, Unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into Two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves Whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its Recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should Definitely be of the feminine gender ('la Computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other Computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory forPossible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself Spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[durendal]

In the spirit of the Olympics currently being held in Beijing, here are some of my contributions:

Getting Into the Olympics

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

[durendal]

Olympic Diving Champion

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool!

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."

[durendal]

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[durendal]

Top Ten Rejected Olympic Sports

10. Professional Armpit Shaving

9. Heavyweight Belly Flop Competition

8. Bobbing for Dead Rats

7. Pin The Tail on Scott Hamilton

6. Javelin Tag

5. Underwater Shot Put Retrieval

4. Freeze Tag Football

3. Pogo Stick Pole Vaulting

2. Synchronized Swimming with Two Blood-Thirsty Sharks

1. Downhill Water Skiing Competition

[durendal]

Womens Olympics

The three finalists in the Women's Olympic swim meet were all novices to international competition. However, all had excelled during the early going, and after several heats the score was tied; the first match employing the breast stroke would decide the winner. The gun sounded, and the three young women dove into the water. Nancy finished first, crossing the pool in five seconds flat; Jean finished less than half a second later. Bringing up the rear was Mary, a blonde, who finished a full ten seconds after the others. As she completed the lap and climbed from the pool, she sputtered, "I protest! The other women were using their arms!"

[*Kenji Murakami]

[durendal]

Father: Son, since today is your 18th birthday, I'm giving you this check. I want you to give this to your mother and tell her that this is the last check she will recieve from me for child support and I want you to tell me her reaction.

Son goes to his mother: Mom, dad said this is the last check he will be giving you for child support and he wants me to tell him how you reacted.

Mother: I want you to tell him he's not your father, then tell me how he reacts.

[Larz Zahn]

oooo that was low! haha!

[durendal]

One day I read smoking is bad

I stopped smoking

One day I read drinking was bad

I stopped drinking

One day I read sex is bad

Oh no...!

I stopped reading... Reading is bad!

[*Jess♥]

ha ha ha durendal you really made me laugh out loud then

[durendal]

After having sex, the girl keeps on touching the organ of the guy.

Guy: You want more?

Girl: Nope, there's just something that I miss.

Guy: Who? Your ex?

Girl: No! I had one of this before!!

[*Kenji Murakami]

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Constipated people don't give a crap.

How many vegetables had to die to make your salad!?

Give me liberty, or give me a bran muffin!

Granola. Granola solves everything.