Humour thread

[Super Existence]

I'm part Irish, so don't get offended:

Paddy is off from work because he's thrown his back out and Mick comes to his house to visit him.

'How are you Paddy?'

'Oh, terrible pal.' Moans Paddy 'My back hurts so bad I can't get out of this chair, I have to drenn in a potty but worst of all because I'm out of work there's no money for the heating, I'm FREEZING! Do me a favour Mick, go get my slippers from upstairs...'

'Your slippers? Sure Mate.' Nods Mick. 'Anything for a friend.'

Mick heads upstairs and hears giggling coming from Paddy's daughters bedroom, he peeps through the door and sees his bi-sexual daughter fooling about in the nude with her bi-sexual best friend.

'I have to get involved.' Thinks Mick so he pushes open the door and the two girls are shocked to see him stood there grinning.

'What are you doing?!' Squeaks Paddy's daughter.

'Er, your dad told me to go upstairs and screw you two. One after the other.'

'What?!' Paddy's daughter says incredulously.

'Seriously, he just said now.'

'Bullshit', says Paddy's daughter

'Fine, I'll prove it to you.' Says Paddy and he heads to the banister and shouts down the stairs.

'PADDY! YOU DID SAY BOTH OF THEM DIDN'T YOU?'

Paddy yells back. 'COURSE BOTH OF THEM! THERE'S NO USE JUST buggerIN' ONE IS THERE?'

Budum bum bum. You can use that one if you like.

[durendal]

Subject: Recent Research

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names---a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen. The Saskatchewan FDA has been reconsidering the generic name for Viagra. A team of government experts recently announced it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, Dixafix and of course Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a powerbeverage, suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives a new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs, and inviting a romantic interest over for some good old fashioned hard liquor. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount 'n Do". The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of People wandering around with huge breasts and erections, who can't remember what to do with them!

[durendal]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" and pauses. The words are not coming easily.

"Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues.... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today!"

[durendal]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked a Doctor what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Doctor, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[durendal]

A farmer buys a young rooster to replace his aging one. As soon as the young rooster is set free he struts right up to the old rooster and says "Lets get things straight right now old timer. All the young hens are mine. You can have the old ones, but keep off the young ones."

The old rooster replies, "Now wait a minute. If you want to divide the hens between us, fine. But lets have a race to see who gets their pick." The young rooster laughs. "OK. But you dont have a chance against me grandpa."

"Well maybe your right", says the old rooster, "You must be real fast, so why dont you give me just a 2 second head start on account of my old age?" The young rooster agrees.

The old chicken takes off, and the young rooster follows after 2 seconds. Suddenly BAM the farmer shoots the young rooster dead and says "Damn! Thats the third gay rooster in a row!"

[durendal]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Illinois State Trooper

walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, "I bet

you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied,

"Illinois State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence

while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his

book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to

start her car.

[durendal]

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

[durendal]

Sam and Bessie are in their 80's. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie,

"So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new shoes!"

Bessie replies, "You should have bought a hat."

[durendal]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down

to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, as

they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he

would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying

all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss

approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have

to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off ?" she says. "I feel like drenn."

[durendal]

A PSYCHIATRIST was conducting a group therapy session with four young

mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he said. To the first mother, Mary, he said:

"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann:

"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce:

"Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy

by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[durendal]

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble ; one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[durendal]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me a condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move !

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

[durendal]

We've all heard about People having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the backside and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[durendal]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of

the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as

far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on

his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.

"My name's Lars, I'm your neighbour from forty miles up the road. I'm

having a Christmas party on Friday night, thought you might like to come."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink

with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna

be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be there, thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea, "I've

been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

"By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... just gonna be the two of us."

[durendal]

police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

[durendal]

HREE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small Rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson 1 - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

==========================================

Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson 2 - Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

==========================================

Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson 3 - Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your three minute management course

[durendal]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races it's the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied and at this, she apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again, "what was that for?!"

She responded,

"Your f*****g horse phoned."

[durendal]

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom

making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed

her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very

dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion

and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for

you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight;

the poor thing, practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker

wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.

When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use.........

[*Kenji Murakami]

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

No matter how much I care, some People are just assholes.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

How many dadaists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? None. If you're having trouble with the bulb, it could be the socket, which may cause you problems in the future. Therefore, we should remove the socket.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes three bulbs.

[durendal]

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for

$500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he

told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have

his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent

for Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,

realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check

for $250 and enclosed a note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in

the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount

agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression

that:

It had never been occupied;

There was plenty of heat;

It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that

there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of

the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful

apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is

plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the

apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

[*Kenji Murakami]

After months of training, when you finally understand all of a program’s commands, the new revised edition arrives with a new command structure.

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

Artificial Intelligence: The art of making real computers act like the ones in movies.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet. Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants. C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.

Error 7.0b1 - The item could not be deleted because it was missing.

There are two major products to come out of Berkley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

[durendal]

An engineer, a doctor, and a lawyer while playing golf began arguing which was the older profession. The doctor said: "The doctor of course....the Bible said that God created woman from Adam's rib. Therefore, God was a doctor!" The engineer said: "Wrong! The Bible said that God created order out of chaos. Therefore, God was an engineer!". The lawyer just laughed and said: "Well...who do you think created all that chaos???"

[durendal]

A man of slight build entered a bar. "Excuse me," he said, "Does someone here have a Rottweiler waiting outside?"

"Yeah, I do." A big guy spoke up. "Some kind of problem?"

"Well," the short one said, "I'm afraid my Chihuahua has killed your Rottweiler."

"What are you, some of kind of nut?" he roard. "My dog is a killer. He could eat your dog."

"I'm afraid that's what happened, then. Your dog choked to death on mine."

[durendal]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk

by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the

man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes,

I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are

there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys,

ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for

college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for

Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12

pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the

married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

[durendal]

A married couple driving home see a wounded skunk by the side of the road.

The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.

WIFE "It's shivering, it must be cold, what should I do "?

HUSBAND "put it between your legs to keep it warm"

WIFE "what about the smell"?

HUSBAND "Oh Yeah, you better hold it's nose" !!!