After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
"All I did was pick up your laundry, pick up all the empty food boxes, recycle the empty beer cans and threw away the trash. Then I used a belt sander to rediscover the hardwood floor from beneath the layers of accumulated grime on top of it. Seeing as how you recently moved here yourself, I find it an astonishing feat of slobishness to have managed that. I also asked father's second in command to call in a HAZMAT-team to clean out the fridge and suppress the now sentient Broccoli rebellion within it. Rogue elements of what appears to have once been Chinese takeout got away with your car and took a hostage from the HAZMAT unit. The chase is on channel three, if you're interested."