Steel's blog

[*Steel]

Never blogged before but I figured it may be a nice time to start.I find writing to be very cathartic.

I re specified this as Chris' blog (my real name) because I have a tendancy to hide in an online persona. Steel is like a jokey take on what I'd be like as an egotist... or if I were in a shonen anime. While I am Steel and that side is a part of my personality I find that labeling myself by my real name lets me feel like I'm speaking truer to my own feelings and ideas. Some people may feel the Batman effect of the mask (online presence) being the true them and their real life name interactions actualy being a fake subdued version. Its only where people cant see your face that you can speak truthfully. I get part of that. I'm diffrent with diffrent people. There is virtualy no one that I'm 100% myself with. We all have darkness inside to an extent or feel the presure of trying to be someone that people hope you are.

My aim with this Blog is too be more honist than I can be with friends or family and as "Steel". If its read or not dosn't really matter. I both like and dislike attention.

I'll get started...

Today I feel strange. I'm suposed to be studying. I flunked out of work as I was suposed to be on standby for the Popes visit. I say flunked... but I just blatantly lied. Normaly I find my work rewarding, but I'm comming off a hard week. This should be my second day at work. I do four on four off. Twelve hour shifts. Its hard going. Last friday was difficult. I loath working the end of the week and weekends due to... well people too be honist. Drunks to be more accurate. I dont do it myself. Brings out the worst in some people and I'm some one who always must feellike I'm in my own driving seat. Not some Asshole under the name of alcohol. I'm day shift right now. 08:00 too 20:00 so that wasn't even the worst of the friday night drinking binges. But its always enought. I'll be honist. Alot of what I see sickens me. People with no pride and laxed morals. It makes me sound uptight but I personaly think that the way alot of people act under the influence is just degrading. I've patched up too many inguries from fights that were pointless. People can be vile.

My manager is very understanding even though we are expected to handle a tough time. I normaly can but it builds in your system and you need a break. Normaly its if you lose someone or something traumatic but with a pretty full compliment of staff we can easily take a day off once in a while. So I traided today to recoup before hitting Friday and saturday. I said it was so I could study further for my Paramedics exam but I'm actualy pretty confidant and still have weeks too go. Getting feelings out will be much more valuble to my health. Alot of staff are intoday so there is more than adiquate cover. I would have been sitting around for most of it anyway. As I mentioned the arival of the Pope ment that more than normal were on duty and with me being less qualified than most i would have been on the sidelines.

I feel quite down in general today. I think coming here is partly to blame. Not in a bad way. Its just introducing yourself makes you think back more. Mainly the "What would you do for someone you Love" thread. Got me thinking more about how strongly I can feel. My one and only love was Fiona. She passed away October last year. Sometimes I feel the loss consume me like some dark sinking pit... but I'm also concerned about how I have recovered. Its strange. In many ways I wish I had been destroyed utterly. I feel like my current existance degrades how much I truly loved her. I know she would have wanted me to be ok and live again, be happy again. I just cant help feeling like its a betrayal of my love that I actualy do have good days. Its not even been a damn year. Why am I ok? I've always been solitary and indipendant. Even with her. It kills me to know I'll never feel her touch and all the millions of things I loved about her. Her flaws her virtues. Every single speck of that women was like a blessing to my life. For as long as it lasted I worshiped every second. So again... why am I ok?

I think there is an answer in my sheer stuborness. I once walked for five hours on a busted up leg with a metal rod threw it. It hurt every step and I was seriously concerned about my life when I saw how much blood I was loosing. People who hear me tell the whole story frequently say that they dont understand how I kept on going, but the only other option was too phone poeple who couldn't posobly have helped, or sit down and die. How is that a choice? No matter the pain you soldier on. You do that because giving up is no option when it gains nothing.

I know that if I am one thing its that I am a survivor. Its something I can override. I'd like to beleave that I'd give my life for someone and I've instinctivly put myself in danger for other people, but I will fight for life always. Hell I cant even take a sleeping tablet without fighting the effects WHEN I GIVE IT TOO MYSELF!

I'm jokingly called the Terminator by my freinds because they have seen that part of me.

I will ALWAYS love Fiona till the day I'm ripped from life but I also know that I'm ok even inspite of the loss of her. I just dont know how too feel about it. Writing helps. For that I thank you. Just knowing that there is a posobility of some other human reading this somehow helps, no matter their reaction.

For now I call it a day...

[*Steel]

Last day off before back too work. Managed to drag myself away from Halo Reach. My eyes need a rest after a late night. I'm a bit better at it than I thought. Normaly ranking in the top three. Should be fun for a while.

Met one of my old bosses the other day while shopping. Seems she is doing well with her porsche and business suit. Just reminds me of how messed up some workplaces can be. I mean she was a pathetic manager. She aparently "didn't make mistakes" so everything wrong was never her fault it was yours. If you tried to justify yourself she'd just shout "I dont want excuses." and her attitude to problems was "Just get it done!" ummm yeah... this isn't Star Trek. I'm cant magicly get things done in quarter of the time its suposed to take. I remember there was a whole phase that the office went through at that point (worked for the Home Office) where being a prick was aparently the new corse in management. While I secrently wished she would get what she deserved I'm not suprised that she clearly hasn't. Just irritates me. If only there was such a thing as Karma.

I suffer from migraines, one was starting up this morning but the painkillers are kicking in now. Its now just a dull throb. Much more relaxing than what feels like nails in my brain. I always get a bit paranoid when I get them. Like its a tumour or something. Although thats mainly because I also get nose bleeds. Why do I always feel like a hypochondriac if I make an apointment for the doctors? Maybe I'll charm my way into getting CAT scanned at work... Although god knows how much it takes to run that thing, dont really want anyone to get in trouble. Its no doubt just my freaky biology. I think I was grown in a lab someplace. Thats why I cant find anyone I knew before I was 13 on facebook or anything. Thats all just fake memorys. Still you'd think they would have done a better job

[*Jess♥]

I re specified this as Chris' blog (my real name) because I have a tendancy to hide in an online persona. Steel is like a jokey take on what I'd be like as an egotist... or if I were in a shonen anime.

that explains what i felt. i was not 100% comfortable reading some of your posts and this is probably why.

I can sense the mask through your writing.

Sometimes I feel the loss consume me like some dark sinking pit... but I'm also concerned about how I have recovered. Its strange. In many ways I wish I had been destroyed utterly. I feel like my current existance degrades how much I truly loved her.

some people feel guilty at surviving and how they can cope, it's not unusual, I would suggest that the reason they are ok now is that their loved one is not really completely gone. they are still there and they sit in the heart and by your side. they give you strength. they hold you up.

it's interesting you mention unusual body. my body rejects pain killers. paracetomol never made any difference. well anaesthetic works. but i can feel my body trying to resist it. even with 2 or 3 shots, i can still feel a little pain. but then that is balanced out with my high resilience to pain itself. and i don't bruise easily either.

i think there are varying levels of resilience in humans.

[*Steel]

that explains what i felt. i was not 100% comfortable reading some of your posts and this is probably why.

I can sense the mask through your writing.

Yeah sorry about that. I seriously mean no harm in anything I say too other people. Its always hard to convay tone in text. I rarely mean to offend, but I do feel strongly about certain things. Oddly I'm far from egotistical in real life. I have a hard time beleaving I deserve good things. Its a major flaw. I'm not bursting with an abundance of self confidance but I can aproximate it. I think its a little hard for others to feel sympathetic to someone who seems to be complaining but just lacks some sort of self confidance.

It's alot better mind you. I can easily interact with others, where as I used to have problems. Some days it just creeps up on me though... Being "Steel" seems to help strangly.

some people feel guilty at surviving and how they can cope, it's not unusual, I would suggest that the reason they are ok now is that their loved one is not really completely gone. they are still there and they sit in the heart and by your side. they give you strength. they hold you up.

Thank you. I know she wouldn't want me to be a depressed wreak and there is nothing I can do to ever gain what I lost. Its just strange I find I cant fully talk about it with friends of family. I feel so conflicted at times. I dont know how healthy it is but I have her in a little room in my mind. Its where I go at night and when I'm alone with nothing to occupy me. It feels like her and not just an imagination. I dont think I can ever let it go.

it's interesting you mention unusual body. my body rejects pain killers. paracetomol never made any difference. well anaesthetic works. but i can feel my body trying to resist it. even with 2 or 3 shots, i can still feel a little pain. but then that is balanced out with my high resilience to pain itself. and i don't bruise easily either.

i think there are varying levels of resilience in humans.

Oh there are certainly different levels of resiliance biologicaly in humans. It only makes sence I think. I've never broken a bone, and thats not without plenty of incidents that no doubt should have at least cracked something. I'm also abnormaly heavy for my size. I'm not exactly small or very thin. I've always been about a stone heavier than I look. I think its maybe density. Its suprised doctors and such. I can take alot of blunt force pain. Sharper pain is a little harder to deal with but depending on the severity I can cope quite well.

I have the same thing with Paracetomol having no real effect. Ibuprofen however seems to be about the only painkiller that has much effect save for the big ones like morphine.

I was once given something in a thai hospital after I lost alot of blood and had an infected wound. Made me halucinate like crazy. I saw a big dog sized Mosquito on my chet sucking my insides out. Soooo freaky.

There are a few more weird bits about me. My pulse is only aout 54 bpm. Usualy dropping too the high fourtys when relaxed. Far from the usual 70bpm. I have double jointed shoulders, I can bite through metal wire and aparently my saliva can desolve dental cement... much too my orthodontists horror. I can also sort of feel electrisity. Its a weird sence like I can tell when something is on in the house when I'm not even in the same room as it.

I sware I'm like a lame X-men

[*Jess♥]

being a paramedic, you probably already know, but low pulse rate is bradycardia. i only know that because i was diagnosed with it when i was a child. it's not present now though, I have a regular pulse rate now.

I really appreciate you opening up in your first paragraph.

that's the good thing about this place. everyone here is so friendly. there is no place for trolling or flaming etc in this forum.

there are some great guys here.

anyway, you don't need to apologise or anything. If I feel uncomfortable reading something, I will just skip it. when somebody is being purposely offensive it is pretty clear so there is nothing t worry about since you have not been offensive and i don't think you have that intent.

[*Steel]

Thanks man. I was a little worried I was comming across a bit more Jerkish than I would have liked.

Yeah I do know its bradycardia. Fortunatly a version with little side effects apart from the odd light head. Alot of people with some mesure of stamina training will have a natural low pulse. Oddly I seem not to consider myself one of them. Kinda dumb being that I practiced martial arts since I was about 4 or 5. I stopped a few years back after hitting a wall with training. Plus I dont feel the desire anymore.

I try too keep myself fit. I know there is a difference too what I used to be, but I no longer feel like I HAVE to be peak condition physicaly. So long as I dont let myself slip and keep good maintanance up I'm happy with how I am.

I think I'll just always have low BPM, and at least I know the signs of it becoming unhealthy. Althogh aparently being medicaly trained can make you a bad judge of your own health at times. Doctors make the worst patiants and knowlage can ether make you paranoid or go into denial. I hope I can tred the line being not so qualified and knowlagable.

Thanks for talking dude.

[*Steel]

Damnit someone has crashed my bike. I was proud of that thing. Looked the best in the fleat. Now its all scuffed. Not impressed. I know image shouldn't matter but was still nice having it in good condition.

Getting the Main street area today. Should be busy.

Working with Stevie today... got to be my least favorate college. All talk and shirks responsobility. Wish it was James, at least he's a laugh (if totaly inapropriate) and works like a trooper.

Ah well enough time waisting everything is ready.

[*Steel]

Woo lunch time!

Really nasty weather. I really need to get my hair cut. Rain and bike helmet seriously dosn't help. I think its time for my half yearly drastic haircut. Lets face it the weather is just going to get more unplesant from now on.

Busy morning but fortunatly everything has worked out ok so far. A few tumbles down wet stairs and one more serious cardiac event but the guy responded well.

Steve is being a jackass again. I may think I'm bad self esteem wise but geeze he really has problems. I'm aware that I've led a slightly unbeleavable life, I try not to brag about stuff but I guess it will always come out. Without proof somethings will always seem like potentiol lies. I can back up my clames with knowlage and expirience that I feel would be hard to fake without expirienceing them but that and a few photos are about all I can give as evidence to back up my stories. Ultimatly I dont actualy care if I'm beleaved or not. I know its true and I tell them to amuse, entertain or share wisdom with other people. However his embelishment on the truth is compleatly ridiculus. I wish I was just being overly skeptical but the stuff he clames is freakin newsworthy. He'd be in papers. Hell I think they would fit him with a cape and tights. Yet oddly when he's on my shift he is a consumate slacker and quite frankly a coward. The only reason he still has a job is because he kisses ass like no ones business. He's a liability and a sad individual. I wish he'd at least have the guts too look for another job so someone who actualy wants to help people could get a shot.

Man I feel like this blog is going to be a total moan fest... Sorry about that.

Anyway must eat now before duty calls once more!

[*Steel]

Quite proud of myself. Got a good few days of study in before I had to answer the call to slay zombies in Dead Rising 2. Reminds me too finnish of my zombie holocaust survival pack. My Best frind and I have been working on our own ones for a few years now. Mainly for fun but they are actualy good for any sort of survival situation... if you ignore the weapons...

I do wonder if it makes us insane. Us having taken the zombie plan to a next level, but its funny and an intresting talking point to judge other peoples sence of humour.

At least I've not built a shelter under the house... yet.

I clearly shouldn't be aloud too have too much money. I'd end up building a Fallout shelter in the side of a mountain or something.

[*Steel]

Loads of fog this morning. Its burned off now but I could barly see fifty feet.

I actualy like fog. Especialy when its really thick. It must be linked to me also liking more extreme weather conditions. I actualy like really really heavy rain, snow, high winds and thunderstorms. I feel sorry for the damage they do and if anyone gets injured but I do find it exhilarating. I like doing things that other people dont want to take on. Feels like an adventure.

I think I do miss my old adventures.

[*Jess♥]

me too. i love heavy rain. one day when I have my own place and can be confident of a clean towel and clean clothes, i will go out in the heavy rain and get myself soaked.

but at the moment, I have to share a washing machine and dry my clothes on a line and it takes ages and i don't own any towels so it's a constant hunt for a clean one.

[*Steel]

I've done it a few times myself. Some people think its a bit weird when I mention it but I find it stimulating.

I remember in beijing there was a really heavy downpour after I'd been training for most of the afternoon. It was a warm rain, but in the baking heat it was still cooling and felt good. Almost like a massage it was that heavy.

I've stood under a few waterfalls. That is also highly exhilarating.

I think if you get enjoyment from these things then it definalty adds truth too the saying "Life is the ultimate high"

[*Steel]

Back home now. Feels cold, empty and small.

Flew out too california on monday. Was a year ago on the 5th that Fiona passed away. She was cremated but I needed to visit the beach that she was scattered on. Sounds so strange saying it. I feel I have too get the feelings out.

Stayed with her sister. I dont know if that was a mistake. Hit me like a shotgun blast seeing her. God they are so alike. Diane is older but only a few years. They could have been twins is so uncanny. Seeing her out of the corner of my eye seemed worse. My heart would leap into my throat every time. She smells similar too. Somehow that makes it worse. Its like it was messing with all my sences.

I can still catch traces of her sent on things I've kept but that was worse by far.

Their younger sister Sarah looks very much like them too but its diffrent with her. Taller, thinner, dyed hair. I think thats it. Dosn't seem so confusing.

I think its the way Diane acts too. She's always seemed so sad. She lived with us for a while. She had a string of abusive boyfriends. I dunno, she just had bad luck, or always fell for the wrong guy. One time it was really bad and the prick broke her jaw. I went crazy over that. I CANNOT stand violence towards women. I would have put him in the hospital if I had got ahold of him. Anyway...

I suspected but I can see it as plain as day that she has feelings for me now. We were all sad but its diffrent with Diane. Make it all the harder.

I dont know...

Just got too try and pick myself up before work starts next weekend. Dont know if this is helping or not. Cant really expect it too I guess. I hope I can zone out or something.

[*Steel]

Couple of weeks later now... I feel better. I think dealing with Fiona's passing will always be difficult, and while I dont want it too effect her family relationship with me. I think it always will and a dark part of me hopes it will. Loss should have an effect. Again I feel like I want too suffer. She wouldn't want that so I will try too be strong. Well, I WILL be strong. I hate too feel defeated by a challenge. Perhaps that is just insecurity. I will live my life as she'd want me too. I dont want too feel as high as the happyness with her, but I will be happy in time none the less.

On a brighter note I'm now a fully qualified paramedic. Will still be motorbike based fast responce, but more pay and definatly more confidence in what I do. I'm already searching for a new goal to shoot for.

[*Steel]

Cleared out my garage yesterday, had too throw away alot of stuff that was just taking up space. Found an old set of Nunchaku, I'm pretty sure these were the ones I got in that tourist street outside of the Shaolin temple. They feel poor quality. The chain is slightly rusty and the wood is unbalanced. Still brought back some good memorys of that trip. I would like to go back, now I'm more level headed and secure. Took them for a little spin. Hadn't forgoten nearly as much as I thought. I supose muscle memory lasts a fair while. Might try it with two next time.

It also reminded me of my best friend and his "Impenetrable Defence" which was basicly him planting himself in one spot and spining the shoulder pass over and OVER. All the while he staired at the floor trying to concentrate. I reached in and tapped him on the head and he lost control of them and rapped his knuckles. Worst defence ever... Poor guy. Still better me than him every actualy trying too pull that on someone.

[*Steel]

So my friend and I have this sort of social experiment going on. Although I use the word experiment lightly. Its more of a bizarre venture. It seems to amuse us to mess with peoples heads. We were helping his sister look for cars over the weekend and we’d do all the sensible checks of the vehicle and so forth but instead of making a constructive criticism we would flavour it with statements that should worry any sane man. Like instead of saying the boot was spacious we’d say something along the lines of “Wow, you could fit like five adult bodies in there.” And when talking about the solid build of the car we’d discuss how we could make it death proof. Or how the upholstery looks easy to clean. It gets some fun reactions of people as we try too keep it as deadpan as possible.

Its starting too happen at work too. On my break I was reading a book on my kindle. One of the other guys asked what I was reading, I told her is was Doctor Dale’s Zombie Dictionary. He was with me up till zombie, I guess he thought it was a medical journal or something. Now he thinks I’m a little odd… and its hard too argue with him. It does crack some people up though. Guess it depends on your sense of humour.

[*Jess♥]

it's good to mess with people

[*Steel]

Got a weird shift today 12 till midnight. Guy Fawkes night so we are preparing for lots of burns and related inguries. Hopefuly nothing too horrific. Last year one of the guys had to give aid too a little kid who'd blowen at least three fingers off and there was another who lost an eye.

I'm always ok when its happening. I only get flustered when the problem is of my own doing. When its something else I'm always very calm and efficiant. Its only when I stop working that things sink in.

Things in my area should be relitivly fine though. Looks like I'll be working Princess street with another crew. Not so many burns as its a public display, But more fights and related inguries.

[*Steel]

Man I thought I was doing ok, but these past two weeks I've been really down. I've been really unable to sleep no matter how tired I feel. I keep waking up with this horrible feeling, like there is something left undone or urgent. Its like a shot of panic.

The other night was the worst. I woke too what I sware was a voice in my ear saying "Hello". It was monotone and creepy. I was lying on my side and it sounded like it was behind me. No matter how hard I tried to move I couldn't. Then I felt a sharp pain in the base of my back. Everytime I tried moving I'd see a weird after effect of my leg rising and then it would vanish and I'd be in the same position. Lasted for about five minutes before I finaly managed to flip myself over. There are few things that scare me but that had my mind racing, I was covered in sweat.

Looked up sleep paralysis as soon as I'd shaken off the irational fear. From what I found that sort of thing does happen. Its belived that expiriences like that are what people rationalize strange encounters too. Like Alien abduction and before that, demon visitations. It also seems that the fear is some sort of side effect and the sufferer will expirience ether terror or euphoria. Typical that I'd get the negitive one.

Was horrible at the time but now I've made sence of it I think I'm ok. I hate that some times I'm stupid when I first wake up. I want too be stronger than that.

Strangly the more I think about it, the more I realise I suffered similar things when I suffered from depression about ten years back. I used too see shadow people. Like a humanoid mass of black. Usualy when I had just woken up. I'd open my eyes and see them. Then they'd just sink into the shadow and vanish. Could sware I saw them once when I'd been awake for a while. Middle of the day too. I atributed it too the medication and imbalances of chemicals in my brain, but I always felt shame that I was scared.

God I hope this dosn't mean that my depresion is resurfacing. Its probubly just a warning. Now I'm aware I can kick it. Get some more exersize, diciplin my sleep back too normal, eat better. Not going too back down to this.

[*Jess♥]

have you looked into astral travel?

there are many things in this world that are considered unconventional but have no way to prove existence or non existence.

I wouldn't want you to be scared of something that may actually be a blessing.

[*Steel]

Hadn't actualy considered that untill you mentioned it now. A friend of mine used to be heavly into that sort of thing but I never was so much myself. I've always been a more "need to see it to beleive it" sort, but thats not to say I'm compleatly closed minded to that sort of thing. I generaly prefer to just reserve judgement rather than just outright think it cant happen.

I generaly just dont like things I cant fight... but then again using will power, focus and the mind is another way of fighting things.

Perhaps the strange after image thing I was seeing as I tried to move was a sort of astral projection. I can give it a good try anyway.

Just so long as I dont end up becoming Doctor Strange. That dude is powerful but damn that outfit is horrific.

[*Jess♥]

ha ha yeah, have you seen the misfits?

good series.

well i agree with that.

I think that real personal beliefs is simply us trying to make sense of the things we have experienced and are in no doubt about.

like your experience, you can't pretend it didn't happen, you just need to make sense of it.

on one hand, if it is sleep paralysis, you are powerless against it.

on the other hand if it is astral projection, you can surely find ways to train yourself to control it.

I can give you a website to look at and you can decide for yourself if it is crazy talk or if it has some good basis.

I believe that a major factor in human health and fitness is willpower. you are surely very familiar with this concept.

even if a person believed they could astral project and they could control it, and if a doctor was in no doubt that it was sleep paralysis, but the persons confidence in their own ability allowed them to overcome it, then that belief is their personal cure and i think it doesn't matter what the doctor thinks or whether it is 'factual' or not.

[*Steel]

Not seen Misfits but after a quick google search I MUST SEE IT!

I'd no doubt be super unlucky and get some really bad superpower... like Telepathy with poltry or something. I think I'd just keep that quiet and resort to my speciality of hitting things as hard as posoble... or trying to make things better. I'm the conflicting Punchy Medic.

I certainly beleave in mind over matter and will over consciousness. I'm not 100% if I beleive I'll get better then it'll happen for physical ailments but certainly for most mental or psycological ones. In fact they are pretty much the only way to get over somethings.

I think it was perhaps a one off occurance due to chemicals in my brain, stress and so forth. If I change that then I'm confident that I'll be ok.

If it happens again I just hope I have the presence of mind to know what is happening, but it may not work that way due to sleep stupidity... otherwise I would never wake up convinced that I just remembered how to fly for a minute or two.

[*Steel]

Slept well last night. Got a headache today, which kind of puts a dampner on things. Its one of those annoying ones I get that painkillers do nothing for, but disapears by the afternoon.

I think its the cold weather. I apear to have weird air pressure related headaches.

Oh and never ask me to do the gardning a day in advance because I WILL make it rain. I suspect that I am a rain god.

[*Steel]

And there we go... my head is all better. I do find it odd how it always goes away by about four.