Humour thread

[*Jess♥]

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

I heard this as

dyslexics of teh world, untie!

[*Kenji Murakami]

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

I do not have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. I wake up three days later. No problem.

[durendal]

Father: My son is really a man because now he is a farmer. Son, what do you plan to plant?

Son: "Flowers" papa! Many many FLOWERS!

[*Kenji Murakami]

You HAD to get the hot dog.

I solemnly swear that I shall lead the paper to victory over its enemy, the scissors.

If the shoe fits, beat someone senseless with it.

White guy. Can't dunk.

(On a T-shirt) Who are you and why are you reading my shirt?

[durendal]

TELL ALL YOUR MALE FRIENDS TO WASH THEIR HANDS VERY WELL AFTER URINATING TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF BIRD FLU!

[durendal]

MAID: Sir, tell me who is better in bed, the Mrs or me?

MR: Of course its you, why?

MAID: It's because I'm getting confused. Your driver said the Mrs is really better in bed.

[durendal]

English Is A Crazy Language

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Send shipments by car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

[*Jess♥]

that's brilliant!

durendal, did you write that?

it sounds like something you would write, but it woult take a hel of a lot of work and time to write that .

[*Kenji Murakami]

It's all fun and Games until someone loses a tooth...then it's hockey!!

Instant human! Just add coffee.

Anger the French. Make tacos.

Celebrate life with ketchup!

Worry is the first time you can't do it a second time; panic is the second time you can't do it the first time.

[*Kenji Murakami]

If hippopotomonstrausesquippedaliophobia meant a 'fear of large words', and if you could say your sickness, would you be cured?

[durendal]

A salesman calls this house, and the 3-year-old son answers the phone.

The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your mother?"

The boy whispers in a very low voice, "She's busy."

The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your daddy?"

The kid whispers again, in a very low voice, "He's busy too."

The salesman then asks, "Is there anyone else there?"

The tot replies in the same quiet voice, "A policeman."

The salesman inquires, "Can I talk to the policeman?"

The boy repeats again, in a low whisper, "He's busy too."

The salesman again questions him and asks, "Is there anyone else there?"

The kid comes back in a whisper, "A fireman."

The salesman then wants to know if he can talk to the fireman.

And once again the tot whispers, "He's busy too."

By now the salesman is really wondering what is going on.

He asks the boy, "What are they all doing?"

The little rug-rat replies, still in a very low whisper . . . "Looking for me."

[durendal]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

[durendal]

An American, Japanese and Chinese guy went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”

As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Chinese replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my country, it’s the face that people recognize.” .

[durendal]

A home version of Who wants to be a Millionaire:

Husband: Honey, can we do it tonight?

Wife: I can't I'm tired!

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Final!!!!

Husband: Ok, can I phone a friend!?

Wife: Honey, how old do you think I am?

Husband: If I lokk at your hair just 18, if from your behind 16, and on your skin only 22. That's a total of 56 sweetheart.

[durendal]

Heaven, Earth and Hell

The girl is asking her mother for permission to get married

Girl: Mom, Bruce said he's ready to marry me

Mother: Good, but why are you looking sad?

Girl: Because he is not religious, he doesn't believe in heaven and earth and hell.

Mother: That's easy, when you get married, He will learn from us two that there is a heaven and purgatory.

Thinking

A girl and a guy meets, staring at each other for a long time...

Girl: Why are you staring at me, what are you thinking about me?

Guy: The same thing you are thinking about me.

Girl: Pervert!!!

[durendal]

A bear, a lion and a chicken were talking, who's the most feared?

Bear: I roar and forest trembles.

Lion: I roar and the jungle shakes.

Chicken: I cough and the whole world panics.

[*Kenji Murakami]

Q: How does it feel being the owner of the infamous rubber sword?

A: For those who don't pay attention to the toys, due to American versus Japanese safety regulations, the western release of my toy has a sword and wings made of a hardish rubber instead of hard plastic. This means you need to undent the toy's wings once you get him out of the package, but it also means the sword won't break if you drop it. Being the American version, my sword is the rubber type.

Wayward thinks this is hilarious and spent days saying bizarre things like that it's "normal for a robot my age". She also told me that while my sword is longer than Energon Megatron's, his is always hard. When I pointed out that his also lights up, she nearly choked herself laughing. I don't understand humans at all.

----------------------

For some reason, you whippersnappers keep asking about me. I'd like to just say, "None of your business," but I get kicked in the shins by Insecticons when I do. Anyway, just to shut you up:

My name is Vector Prime and I'm old enough to know better, but too old to escape from young people who think I should answer their questions. I was created so long ago that there are no records and I can just make up something and none of you will know the difference. I could claim to be Prima and the Liege Maximo's love-child and even Furman himself couldn't prove me wrong. I'm from Cybertron and lately I've been stuck with the task of babysitting Primus' creations. I'm working with the Autobots because if Megatron wins, the universe is going to be sucked into a black hole, and then where would I sit? My other form is a type of Cybertronian spaceship that could be kindly described as 'vintage'. I have the ability to send myself or others through time and space. Sometimes when I'm bored, I send the Insecticons to the moon.

-------------------------------------------------

Well, it seems that people don't want me to defend time itself. The way this is going, I'll never get a chance to untangle the old Marvel continuity and they'll be stuck with four different Galvatrons forever. I think you must all be agents of Simon Furman.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Can you destroy Megatron?

A: Easily. I could just teleport him into a star if I felt like it. And then I could be eaten by his fangirls. No, thank you.

[durendal]

Some Engineer jokes

When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.

A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.

An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens - he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention - so he's let go.

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

[RazorLaser]

: Top 9 comments made by NBC at the Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the

Summer Olympics:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is every where. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[durendal]

Studying expands knowledge,

Knowledge is power,

Power corrupts,

Corruption is a crime,

Crime doesn't pay.

Why study?

[durendal]

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It's $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

[durendal]

There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door:

"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape me unplundered."

This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.

When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was to be found.

On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the guard, saying, "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.

On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"

The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.

[durendal]

Is Windows A Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly. (Okay, Windows does that)

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. (Okay, Windows does that)

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. (Okay, Windows does that, too)

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. (Sigh... Windows does that, too)

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. (Yup, that's with Windows, too)

Until now it seems, Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus!

[durendal]

The Unjust Salary Theorem asserts that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This theorem is proved as follows. Start by using the physics formula

Power = Work / Time

Now you probably have heard that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Substitute these tautologies into the formula for power to obtain

Knowledge = Work/Money

Solving for Money, one finds

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Therefore, the less you know, the more you make.

[durendal]

One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted to speak to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many discussions an employee took her along to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She answered him $865,000 while putting the money on his desk.

Curious, he asked her how she succeeded in saving such a lot of money. The old lady answered him that she made bets. The president quite surprised asked her: "Which kind of bets?" The old lady answered him: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square".

The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win! Then, the old lady replied: "Would you like to make this bet?". Certainly, answered the president, I guarantee you $25,000 that my testicles are not square".

The old lady thus said to him: "I agree. But given the importance of the implied sum, I will come back tomorrow at 10 AM with my lawyer as witness if you don’t see any inconvenience". "No problem“ said the president of the Bank very trustfully

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his damned testicles could not be seen as square and therefore to be sure to win this bet.

On the next day, 10 AM sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president to confirm the bet of $25,000 for the fact that his testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was in agreement with the commitments taken the day before.

The old lady thus asked him to drop his trousers, and the remainder, so that she and her lawyer can see everything; what the president kindly did. The old lady came then closer to see and asked him whether she could touch them or not.

“Of course please do!", said the president to her, given the fact that there is so much money involved, you must be 100% sure.

And the lady started to do so with a smile..

The president then noticed that the lawyer was striking his head against the wall. He asked the old lady why the lawyer was reacting like that.

She answered: "It is probably due to the fact that I bet $100,000 with him that, around 10 AM, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of Canada in my hands!