durendal Posted May 23, 2008 Author Posted May 23, 2008 Email to HR e-mail one Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader e-mail two Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability. Regards, Project Leader Quote
durendal Posted May 23, 2008 Author Posted May 23, 2008 I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP." Quote
durendal Posted May 23, 2008 Author Posted May 23, 2008 A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?" "No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up." Quote
durendal Posted May 23, 2008 Author Posted May 23, 2008 An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." Quote
durendal Posted May 23, 2008 Author Posted May 23, 2008 An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex. While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!" A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong. They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong." This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming. The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!" Quote
durendal Posted May 23, 2008 Author Posted May 23, 2008 The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion." Quote
durendal Posted May 23, 2008 Author Posted May 23, 2008 One day, a man went to the doctor because he was getting a burning sensation every time that he pooped. The doctor told him that in order to get rid of it, he would need to clean out his colon once a week for the next month. He gave the man a cleaning rod and shoved it up his butt for the first cleaning. The man took the rod home and a week later tried to attempt the cleaning himself. However, he couldn't get it in at the right angle by himself so he called in his wife. She sympathetically shoved it up and cleaned his colon for him when he let out a gasp. "What is it Sweetheart?" asked his wife. "I just realized," answered the man "that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!" Quote
durendal Posted May 23, 2008 Author Posted May 23, 2008 John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door." Quote
durendal Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 LIFE AT WORK IS GOOD! A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time! Quote
durendal Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No", replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" "No.", replied the Managing Director. "Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone! Quote
durendal Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news, "the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings. "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The man was your doctor." Quote
durendal Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 (The bakery had just closed. I had clocked out, and was on my way out of the store.) Lady: “Excuse me, could you decorate this cake for me?” Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. My shift is over, and the bakery is closed.” Lady: “But I need it done for tomorrow! If you don’t do it, I’ll call your manager!” Me: “Ma’am, what do you do for a living?” Lady: “I’m a dentist…” Me: “Would you like to look at my teeth after your shift ends, for free?” Lady: “That’s different. My job is hard. Anyone could do your job.” Me: “Then you won’t mind taking that cake home and decorating it yourself.” Quote
durendal Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 A guy walks into the human Resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. “I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible." "You’ve been fired from every job.” “Yes,” says the man. “Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.” “Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.” Quote
durendal Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that Read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: " Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" Quote
durendal Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style... If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident... If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture... If parents make a mistake, It is a new generation... If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law... If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention... If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion... If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory... If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake...... If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE" Quote
durendal Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 MARRIAGE ONE LINERS We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage! A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man! A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife! A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want! Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die! If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument. Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two People the same thing. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all ! A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!" Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced! Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. Marriage is a rest period between romances. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper. Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living. - God forbid. Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter." Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!! Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street. TV has no place in love. Marriage is a fight for remote control. Love is dinner in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet. Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children. Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa. In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early. Quote
durendal Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 FACTS OF LIFE A boy's voice changes when he becomes a man A woman's voice changes when she becomes a wife... Quote
durendal Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Guy 1: Dude, you know, I used to be arrogant... now I'm humble. Guy 2: Really? I'm proud of you! When did your arrogance disappear? Guy 1: Since I became PERFECT! Quote
durendal Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Son: Dad, what's the better way to say fart? Dad: Wind of Change Son: What about a fart with no sound? Dad: Sound of Silence Son: What about a fart with poo? Dad: Dust in the Wind Son: What about an unintentional fart? Dad: That's what you call Careless Whisper! Quote
*Kenji Murakami Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Make the most of yourself, because that's all the self you are going to get, mister. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.. I think I’ve forgotten this before… [seen above a urinal] Your child’s future is in your hands. Strangers have the best candy. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Quote
*Kenji Murakami Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. Give some People an inch, and they think they are rulers. Poets have been curiously silent on the subject of cheese. I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it. Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time. Quote
durendal Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Grandpa: Back in the old days, when i visit a mall I can get a shirt, jeans, a t-shirt, underwear, socks and belt for only 20 cents Boy: What about now Grandpa? Grandpa: it's difficult, they have surveillance cameras now. Quote
durendal Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Complete version Dad: son, go get me a softdrink, Son: Coke or Pepsi Dad: Coke Son: Diet or Regular Dad: Regular Son: Bottled or can? Dad: Bottled Son: 8 ounce or 1 liter? Dad: Dammit, just get me a water Son: Natural or Minaral? Dad: Mineral Son: Cold or not? Dad: you animal! Son: Cow or Pig? Dad: Get out!!! Son: Now or tomorrow? Dad: Now! Son: Your going to give me a ride or not? Dad: I'll Kill you! Son: Stab me or shoot me? Dad: Shoot! Son: In the head or the stomach? Dad: what a pest Son: Cockroach or rat? Dad: Aaaaah Quote
durendal Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 6 tips to make your day different 1. Hit the first person you meet in the gut and apologize 2. Drink sleeping pills but fight it, exercise 3. Break down your house and repair it 4. Pretend to faint in the middle of the road, make sure there are lots of people 5. Pinch your younger brother/sister hard and start crying first 6. Stare the fish in the eye, don't stop until it blinks. Quote
*Kenji Murakami Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. In an exam, relax and remember... There is no test. !klat kcab ruoy dna uoy nmaD You know you're stressed out when you can hear Mimes. Who am I? I'm indecision. I'm everything. I'm nothing. And I may even be both. Quote
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