Humour thread

[durendal]

Evaluating employees

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

[durendal]

A nun arrives at the local bar

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

[durendal]

You can't bring that dog in this bar

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[durendal]

I'm trying to prove a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

[*Kenji Murakami]

Call the Psychic Hotline and ask them if they know which floor you're on.

I even worked as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it. So they gave me the ax.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

[*Kenji Murakami]

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

"All I did was pick up your laundry, pick up all the empty food boxes, recycle the empty beer cans and threw away the trash. Then I used a belt sander to rediscover the hardwood floor from beneath the layers of accumulated grime on top of it. Seeing as how you recently moved here yourself, I find it an astonishing feat of slobishness to have managed that. I also asked father's second in command to call in a HAZMAT-team to clean out the fridge and suppress the now sentient Broccoli rebellion within it. Rogue elements of what appears to have once been Chinese takeout got away with your car and took a hostage from the HAZMAT unit. The chase is on channel three, if you're interested."

[durendal]

girl about to get married: Dad! I'm so sad to be leaving Mom!

Dad: I understand. Don't let me stand in the way of your happiness. Take your Mom with you!

[durendal]

Teacher: Let's all take a class picture so when you grow up, you will say, "Wow look at Don... he's now a police! Wow Jane is now a Nurse! Wow Thomas is now a doctor!"

John: ma'am there's something I'd like to add!

Teacher: What is it John?

John: "Wow the Teacher is now dead"

[durendal]

An award winning ad in a funeral parlor:

"If YOU don't take good care of yourself, we will take good care of YOU."

[durendal]

Who said fill in the blank is very easy"

Go ahead, if you are very persistentm fill this black with YES or NO.

1. _______ I am not a normal person.

[durendal]

Teacher: Kids, do you know that every grain of wheat comes from the blood and sweat of farmers?

Kids: Eeewww!

[durendal]

Wife: You spend too much money on your beer!

Husband: How about you, you spend so much money on your make-up!

Wife: I make myself beautiful for you.

Husband: I drink so you would become beautiful!

[*Kenji Murakami]

That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.

In case of emergency, speak in clichés.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

There are two types of people: those who divide People into two types, and those who don't.

When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.

[Toku Warrior]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it

appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than a buffalo. It means someone stole the tent."

[*Kenji Murakami]

General

Faster than a speeding bullet.

More powerful than a locomotive.

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

Walks on water.

Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.

More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.

Leaps short buildings with a single bound.

Walks on water if sea is calm.

Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.

Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.

Leaps short buildings with a running start in favorable winds.

Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.

May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.

Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.

Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.

Swims well.

Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.

Is run over by trains.

Barely clears outhouse.

Doggy paddles.

Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.

Recognizes trains two out of three times.

Runs into tall buildings.

Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.

Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.

Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.

Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.

Plays in Mud puddles.

Stutters.

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.

Says: "Look at choo choo!"

Not allowed inside buildings of any size.

Makes good boat anchor.

Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.

Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.

Uproots tall buildings and walks under them.

Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.

Is God.

[*Kenji Murakami]

Rice. A diamond. A duck. A lake. I feel like the Arkansas quarter shows the possible answers to some demented multiple choice question the Devil keeps in his ass. If you put photographs of those things in front of me and asked what they had in common, I would boggle at them until my angry brain cut me off from reality and informed me I was now Duke of Teacup Land. I would be a wise but firm ruler to the small, breakable People of Teacup Land, living a long life and siring many strong sons who would fight over the throne even as they stood over my deathbed. Eventually I would drift off into smug death, never knowing that the answer was "Arkansas."

[durendal]

Young Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

[durendal]

The Perfect Scam

The Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, People place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few People will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

[durendal]

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

[durendal]

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

[durendal]

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group." The man says O.K.

He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.

The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization."

As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

[durendal]

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,

which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work.

4 million are in the Armed Forces,

which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million People who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals,

so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 People in Prisons.

That leaves Just two People to do the work. You and me.

And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

[durendal]

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don't have the balls!

[durendal]

This is a story about four People named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

[durendal]

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.