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After a break up?


Mr.Dawn
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After a break up. How long does it take you to get over someone?

I haven't been with my ex wife since 2019. I have a girlfriend now, but any woman I've ever been with, I've thought about her. I married her back in 2008, we had kids, and that's 11 years I'm having trouble working out of my mind. The problem is, nothing I do makes it go away. Some days it bothers me more than others. 

Edited by Jupiter
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  • Mr.Dawn changed the title to After a break up?

I'm no expert on break-ups, but I do know a few things about internal conflict.  The way I see it, you are having trouble with acceptance.  11 years is a long time and it takes tremendous effort to have maintained a relationship that long, especially ones like yours.  And it will take much more effort to move on from that.  Did you regret your actions?  It's natural to think of the past because there was something that had an emotional impact on you, be it good or bad. 

But then again, what is troubling you?  Do you have thoughts that something similar may happen in your future. 

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11 hours ago, durendal said:

Did you regret your actions?  

Most definitely. I was 22 and I was immature when I got with her. I was very impulsive, possessive, selfish, I had unresolved anger issues having to do with my childhood, and on top of all of that I was controlling with her.

I've been pretty oblivious with my feelings for a long time and I've been blind sighted by them many times. Looking back after the divorce. 

I was controlling with her because I afraid that she'd leave me like all of my other past girlfriends, my friends turned one me, and my father walked out on me. So a lot of what I did was wanting to keep things together and it had the opposite effect. It drove her from me more and I didn't realize that. I think I became worse after she cheated on me with another guy a month after the marriage in 2008 and wouldn't tell me the truth but  she admitted to it in 2015 because she said she felt guilty.

I'm going to be 35 years old and a lot of my anger and control issues are gone or dormant. I'm in no way controlling with the new woman I'm with. Perhaps I trust her or I'm waiting for her to get tired of me and move on. I do care about her. I'm very different with her and it surprises me.

 

11 hours ago, durendal said:

 

But then again, what is troubling you?  Do you have thoughts that something similar may happen in your future. 

I don't want to be alone. Madi, my girlfriend went to bed early because she works all day at a nursing home and it gave me a taste of what I'd be doing if I was single again. It put me in a place where I didn't know what to do with myself. I kind of just sat there on my phone looking at the Internet. I didn't feel like watching tv or doing anything. I think I'm realizing that I'm with her because it's full filling an inner need that I have rather then a want. 

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For the most part, reflecting on your mistakes is one way to make you better.  If you made a lot of mistakes you regretted, then that will only make you a better person.  With age comes maturity and if you say you don't get angry or controlling as much, it is a sign you've outgrown your old self.

Perhaps you're focusing too much on the past.  Instead, why not think of what's to look forward to.  How do you see yourself in 5 years, and are you happy with that possible outcome?  If you dwell on your past, you won't be able to appreciate what you currently have.  You had a tough time with your past relationship.  Why not relish the one that you have right now and look for a better future.  Can you honestly tell me you are not happy with what you have right now?

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17 hours ago, durendal said:

How do you see yourself in 5 years, and are you happy with that possible outcome?  

I don't know where I'll be in 5 years. Things change so fast. But I am happier than I was months ago. I think my feelings and my mental state is starting to accept things for what they are. 

 

17 hours ago, durendal said:

  Can you honestly tell me you are not happy with what you have right now?

I'm happier than I was. I was depressed having to start over and having to deal with hearing how my ex wife had become a meth addict. It was harder because we had kids together. So I stayed single for 7 and half months because I wanted to be alone. 

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