More Than Human

[*Steel]

Good catch on Kyle's clothes. I totaly over looked that. I'll fix it. It does give me some quite amusing ideas to expand on. Although he'll definatly need clothes by the final third part.

I've thought of many ways I can swing it to working in Europe instead of America. I think I'll definatly go for that. In the original RPG The Order was only US based and Europe was covered by another larger more religious and millitant group. Many places were considered off limits in Europe as they were essentialy suicide missions. I'm getting some good idea's forming and it actualy makes more sence for many of the characters to be in the UK exapt for maybe Jason... but it can still work for him too.

Most of them still sound american in my head. I'd planned Damien to be british all along but forgot to write that he has an accent, but now I think he should sound worldly. Rhiannon should sound educated and there for have more of that sort of accent that people think all English sound like. Jason I think should be London, but as in a thick cockney accent. I'll work in their speach in the final draft along with less americanisms. Although I still might not specify that its actualy London... although it is the only city that it would make sence to be in due to its size.

I think I'll only write that someone speaks in another accent. I may change how they form sentances but I'll definatly not write a phonic accent. I think their speach is fine how it is at the moment as it can be read however you wish.

I may alter my line up of alternating between team and character based points of view and only have the character based ones when it makes sence to have one.

[*Steel]

http://www.mediafire.com/?a1tjdfw2htc228a

A preview of the next chapter. I cranked it out in a few hours and wanted to share.

[ErutanXiku]

I'm not sure if you want my impression on it so soon...but I figure that's why you've put it, so here goes...

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..

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Wow...that's a major leap in style; I'm blown away by the growth! How do you feel about it? I know it's a lot of work to maintain that kind of standard, but is it something you're comfortable with?

I'd thump you in the arm for holding out on the goods (Kyle and Xan's "man-date") but it's an enjoyable read, otherwise...seems more "alive" in a way

I look forward to more; as always it's a pleasure to read what you're creating.

Gosh, that sounds like a major fan-spiel, which I suppose it is, I can't think of anything to suggest...I'll probably hold on that until this is complete...but yeah, how do you feel about it?

Regarding Jason though, I was thinking more London Cab-Driver...the stereotype associated with it anyway But if you don't mind me asking, if you're stuck on how to make Jason work - since you say he's more suited to the US setting, but he could still work in the UK - I could help iron out any issues you may have?

[*Steel]

Thank you. This a bit closer to my general style. Takes a bit longer to write but I was hitting blocks doing it from Kyles limited perspective. It's not as easy to get the effect with just writing if it were a comic or TV show I'd think that Kyle episode would be more muted and dull, everything thats not infront of his face would be blurred slightly. Switching to the team perspective I've warmed myself up already and have things more solid idea of what I'm doing. Shadowfall is like the pilot this is the real show.

I look forward to writing Kyle and Xan's wacky night out. I know the locations that they are visiting but I dont know fully how they will interact just yet. They will write themselves when the time comes.

Jason is slowly forming. I am working on his background in my head and that is helping. The more I write him the more I can form him in my head. I actualy like that he is the regular detective guy to give counterballance for the other characters. He'll grow into his own soon enough. I dont want to reveal too much as I do have a plan. bwahahahaha!

[*Steel]

Finished the first part. Been a bit busy, was going to add more but it looks like this will be a three parter again.

http://www.mediafire.com/?de5v5eb8sxl5v6y

The point of view swings back to Kyle. I think I'll swap it between him and Jason for the remaning parts. Its funnier to have the tour from Kyle's perspective anyway.

Next up, THE MANDATE!

I blame all this Ho yay on you EX.

[ErutanXiku]

"Ho yay"? *Googles* Ooohh...I take full responsibility, though honestly...it's hard to resist when you set it up

Speaking of which...I've been having an idea bouncing around. As to what it could be, however, while you can guess, I'm not telling...though I may need your permission...darn, maybe I shouldn't just run with it since it's early days...

Anyway, while it's been a hard few weeks trying to pick up where I left off, I have been chipping away at my Lucifer-based story so something should be up in the next day or two...else I may finally give working on my comic a go again, by first re-drawing certain pages/panels.

Though, before all that, I shall be reading the new instalment.

Edited March 20, 2011 by ErutanXiku

[ErutanXiku]

Overall, good chapter Your writing seems to be getting more consistent and perhaps it's your original style coming out? A few things though...(I always hate this part...it's the nitpicking...)

Xan stood up properly. Ill take the boy out later this afternoon. Give him the tour, keep him out of trouble. His voce was a course whisper. - Do you mean that he's resigned himself to giving Kyle the tour, since he's pretty much lumped with the task, and so he's "sighing in resignation"?

Kyle cut him off, his eyes narrowing into pin pricks. Rhiannon! Is Rhiannon coming? - What expression is he trying to make? "Narrowing the eyes" is a method of conveying anger; focusing your vision or scrutinising something...at least in my experience. Though, since I'm getting the obvious impression that he's feeling pretty apprehensive of it just being him and Xan, it could be his pupils that are narrowing...so it's just a matter of wording/semantics

Kyle scoffed his arms and shoulders falling limp like a petulant teenager. The dudes a major hard ass. God this will be a nightmare. he grumbled. - I think he should be "tutting" (clicking his tongue in annoyance/disapproval) or something, since "scoffing" is a way of showing disagreement or mocking, I think, for example like if someone were giving less than impressive ideas on something and the other were to scoff with "Why didn't I think of that..." *shrugs*

Kyle sneered as he drew back, trying not too look at the Dhamphir at all. - I'm not sure if "sneered" is the right word, but then...you've already used "recoiled". Seeing as the situation is clear to read/understand, but the choice of "sneer"...

Xan tends to "bark" a lot around Kyle, which itself means to say something abruptly - like an order to do something? I'm just wondering if, perhaps, there were other ways that could convey his sharp way of speaking around Kyle...like:

What the hell do you want anyway? Xan barked from somewhere in the darkness. - I'm confused as to whether to use "growl" here or not, since the term would work better in the next example. So, perhaps, you could use something like..."What the hell do you want anyway?" There was a discernible hint of annoyance in the question that brought Kyle to attention....*shrugs*

Kyle I really dont care. Dress how you would dress if you were going out on a mission. Its not the freakin prom! Xan barked as he threw the shutter back, pulling on a t-shirt and thankfully wearing some jeans. - Would he be more "growling in irritation", not sure, since Kyle is coming off as pretty inept by over-thinking the "tour"? Maybe you could throw in "sighed" after Xan says he doesn't care, couple with an action like pulling on his t-shirt...

I think I should elaborate on my reason for "breaking up speech"...it's the full-stops you use in the middle of them. They throw me off and make me wonder if, perhaps, they're doing something at that point. I understand that your use of the "full-stop" serves to break up the sentence; either to provide a breather in an otherwise lengthy sentence, but also to help the reader understand the way something is said - the flow of it - like in natural speech. If you don't intend to break up speech with actions, then you can always use comma's; semi-colons or hyphens to help change/highlight stress and emphasis. The rules for their use in speech are the same as when in writing/reading - you may have noticed the way I use them when writing my posts...

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Reading about the swords Xan has on display (and remembering the ones one your wall, in your picture), reminded me of an old friend's sister. She was so proud that she owned an "authentic Japanese Katana" (obsessed with Japan and Sephiroth, despite not knowing anything about the latter since she's never played FFVII)...until I pointed out the "Made in China" engraving on the blade near the hilt. I don't think she's spoken to me since...

Edited March 21, 2011 by ErutanXiku

[*Steel]

Xan stood up properly. “I’ll take the boy out later this afternoon. Give him the tour, keep him out of trouble.” His voce was a course whisper. - Do you mean that he's resigned himself to giving Kyle the tour, since he's pretty much lumped with the task, and so he's "sighing in resignation"?

Yeah thats pretty much what i'm going for. Sounds better your way.

Kyle cut him off, his eyes narrowing into pin pricks. “Rhiannon! Is Rhiannon coming?” - What expression is he trying to make? "Narrowing the eyes" is a method of conveying anger; focusing your vision or scrutinising something...at least in my experience. Though, since I'm getting the obvious impression that he's feeling pretty apprehensive of it just being him and Xan, it could be his pupils that are narrowing...so it's just a matter of wording/semantics

I find it hard to fully descrive the look he's pulling. It's a mix of not really liking where this is going with some desperation and a dash of confusion. Its sort of more like scrunching your face but only slightly.

Kyle scoffed his arms and shoulders falling limp like a petulant teenager. “The dude’s a major hard ass. God this will be a nightmare.” he grumbled. - I think he should be "tutting" (clicking his tongue in annoyance/disapproval) or something, since "scoffing" is a way of showing disagreement or mocking, I think, for example like if someone were giving less than impressive ideas on something and the other were to scoff with "Why didn't I think of that..." *shrugs*

I'm not really going for tutting. More Huffing i think

Kyle sneered as he drew back, trying not too look at the Dhamphir at all. - I'm not sure if "sneered" is the right word, but then...you've already used "recoiled". Seeing as the situation is clear to read/understand, but the choice of "sneer"...

Xan tends to "bark" a lot around Kyle, which itself means to say something abruptly - like an order to do something? I'm just wondering if, perhaps, there were other ways that could convey his sharp way of speaking around Kyle...like:

I'm finding it hard to describe Xan's voice. I've not covered this yes at it'll come up in the next chapter but he dosn't use his normal voice. He masks it with a sort of batman impresion, because like most things its hypnotic. So he's overly gruff and sharp to avoid that effect.

“What the hell do you want anyway?” Xan barked from somewhere in the darkness. - I'm confused as to whether to use "growl" here or not, since the term would work better in the next example. So, perhaps, you could use something like..."What the hell do you want anyway?" There was a discernible hint of annoyance in the question that brought Kyle to attention.[/b]...*shrugs*

Yes growl would fit better here.

“Kyle I really don’t care. Dress how you would dress if you were going out on a mission. Its not the freakin’ prom!” Xan barked as he threw the shutter back, pulling on a t-shirt and thankfully wearing some jeans. - Would he be more "growling in irritation", not sure, since Kyle is coming off as pretty inept by over-thinking the "tour"? Maybe you could throw in "sighed" after Xan says he doesn't care, couple with an action like pulling on his t-shirt...

Yes that convays it better.

Reading about the swords Xan has on display (and remembering the ones one your wall, in your picture), reminded me of an old friend's sister. She was so proud that she owned an "authentic Japanese Katana" (obsessed with Japan and Sephiroth, despite not knowing anything about the latter since she's never played FFVII)...until I pointed out the "Made in China" engraving on the blade near the hilt. I don't think she's spoken to me since...

Ah yes. In that picture those are the swords I was given by my Dad. He bought them in Spain yeeeeeeeeeeears ago. I am slightly ashamed that they are on the stand upside down... but like most poeple I didn't really know that much about them back then. Its only in the last few years that I've really gained knowlage of them. I dont own a katana made in japan but I have a hand forged one and one factory forged. Trust me modern techniques are actualy far superior than any old authentic blade. My Modern made one is a beast of a weapon and I'm currently learning how to customize it using traditional methods.

Xan however has my training to the Nth degree so would actualy know what he was doing. Although he is suposed to come of like a poser. He can play guitar, knows martial arts, can paint, rides a bike. Now I can do all those things too (albe it my painting and playing is a bit arse) but I know they come of as poser like.

[ErutanXiku]

Kyle cut him off, his eyes narrowing into pin pricks. “Rhiannon! Is Rhiannon coming?” - What expression is he trying to make? "Narrowing the eyes" is a method of conveying anger; focusing your vision or scrutinising something...at least in my experience. Though, since I'm getting the obvious impression that he's feeling pretty apprehensive of it just being him and Xan, it could be his pupils that are narrowing...so it's just a matter of wording/semantics

I find it hard to fully descrive the look he's pulling. It's a mix of not really liking where this is going with some desperation and a dash of confusion. Its sort of more like scrunching your face but only slightly.

Hmm...you're right, putting it that way...it's a little hard to imagine, but when I put myself in his shoes...and based on what you're trying to convey, I'm feeling a mix of apprehension and dread, with my brow furrowing a little. Well as much as, since for some reason my forehead/brow doesn't display emotion - I swear, no botox!

As for Xan's voice, I was only marking out my observation that you tend to use "barked" a lot when he speaks to Kyle. I understood fully that he was putting on the deep, gravelly Batman-voice (for some reason, I imagine it sounding somewhat like the Beast...actually...)

A part of me has always wanted to own a blade, but I think it would be a shame to just own one because you can and then letting it gather dust. So, unless I can learn to use one, I won't be owning one anytime soon. As for guitars, well I own an acoustic from when I took lessons for a term in primary school. I was quite good, but when we moved the next term, I didn't pick the lessons up again since they were more expensive at the new school. Thus my guitar has been gathering dust, but I did get it repaired recently since my brother snapped a string and I do take it out now and again, I just can't play. Learning to ride a motorcycle is something I've been wanting to do since my uncle took me out on his when I was a kid - I loved it and it's something I've been meaning to do, only I'm not sure what the best option for learning is...

My ex-friend got me an Artist's Set on my birthday a few years back, only I haven't taken it out since I'm terrified of it. I can paint, but only with Acrylics and Watercolour, but I have no idea how to use Oil Paints and Watercolour Pencils...and Oil Pastels...And Martial Arts I took to Orange-Tip - I gave it up because I couldn't make time for it while studying and then the dojo changed location and ownership. I still remember the moves I learned though.

Edited March 20, 2011 by ErutanXiku