More Than Human

[*Steel]

Hey guys.

I was hoping to get some feedback on a series I've started writing. Its original so not based in any universe but the one created by me. It used to be an old Role Play game I ran a few yeard back but I took the concept and turned it into a story. This is just the origin of a new character I'm using to give the reader an into into the world so it a bit slow to start. However expect more shananigins in part two of this tale.

Its my first story in a long time so I'd apriciate any feedback you can give me.

and I hope the link works... I did sign up to Fanfiction.net but I cant post anything for two more days.

http://www.wiziq.com/tutorial/126539-More-than-Human-Shadowfall-part-1

[ErutanXiku]

...I don't need to be a student or anything to sign up do I? I know...stupid question, but I'm not familiar with WiZiQ

[*Steel]

I signed up with just an email adress.

but I'll be able to post in an easier to download format tomorrow.

[*Steel]

This might be easier

http://www.mediafire.com/?y63sk3me7gk3p1b

[ErutanXiku]

Just letting you know I've read it and I think it's good; I like your style of writing. I feel like I'm reading it and I can follow quite easily, without having to think too hard on how to fit everything together There are some suggestions I could make on improving it - 'improving' makes it sound bad, perhaps 'adding a little extra' might sound better? I'll have to give it a second read though since this first time was to enjoy it and see if I could get into it.

I don't know why, but whenever I read something I get the urge to try and draw, though it rarely ends up that way - my lazy streak kicking in - but I do see a 'comic-esque' style to it, though that's just how I picture things when I read. Reading about what the tall guy is reminds me of my own story that involved someone similar, hehe.

I'll post back later on with more feedback

[*Steel]

Well thanks for reading it, and dont worry improvements are what I'm looking for. It was slightly rushed though. I didn't really plan much of it at all. It just flowed out. Usualy I'd do that and then go over it to flesh it out some more. So this is really just a first draft.

While I was writing it I was aware that I was doing it in the style of Kyle. With him as the main character in this i was channeling him more than anyone else. Its all from his perspective. You dont see anything happening with out him there. He's imature, self centred and lazy so I wanted to refelct a little more of that when writing the peice. If it was centred on someone else the tone would likely change a bit.

More Than Human would be my comic series if i could draw a hell of alot better. The other storys will apear a bit grittier than this, without the Kyle spin on it.

Should finnish off part two by next week probubly. I'll get to introduce the team properly.

[*Steel]

Part 2!

http://www.mediafire.com/?xjdo36gmbze3cze

Suprising how quickly I cracked that out. The characters really seem to talk in my head. Makes it so easy to write them. This acts more as just a breif intro to the rest of the current cast.

Part 3 comming soon.

[ErutanXiku]

It's fine - the best part about writing for me is when 'I'm in the zone' and the words just flow out naturally; no holds barred and it's like you're channeling something. I've done some of my best chapters like that and even finished one that was in the works for a long time, but hasn't been posted because despite our temporary truce, the person I was writing it with hasn't put it up...I loved that chapter as well, and it just feels like a waste of my effort...

Anyway, sorry for side-tracking - as for writing from Kyle's perspective, you did a great job. It feels more personal that way and, for me at least, is a great way to tell a story, or to keep characters in the personality you choose. I can only imagine what the story would have been like had it been told from the "Tall Man"'s perspective.

I should warn you though - I'm the worst person when it comes to giving critique, only because I'm a chronic nitpicker and I tend to ask a lot of questions to help flesh out the story. This could, in some cases, lead to intense dislike and quite often head-butting...at the risk of that, however...

Right with the second chapter out, I feel I can offer a bit more in terms of feedback; I can't offer much regarding your writing; as I mentioned, I like it, but it could stand to have a little more scenario description. I'm not suggesting Tolkien-level of detail - that was my early style of writing, and I eventually lost interest in my FFVII fic because of the effort - but doing so may offer more opportunity to explore Kyle and the other characters. One example is you haven't made it clear as to how the car-park is laid out, i.e. how many floors; whether it's adjacent to another building like a hotel; what part of town it's in...

Also, the writing could benefit from breaking up long speeches, by perhaps throwing in small actions...for example, in Chapter 2:

“How? I mean does that mean I’m some sort of monster?”

“No, nothing like that. Many people do manifest supernatural powers but are still as human as the next person. These powers usually take the form of psychic gifts and lesser unnoticeable abilities, even luck to some extent.”

You could have it flow and seem more interesting to read by saying something along the lines of:

"How?" Kyle asked, then hastily elaborated as his mind caught up, "I mean, does that mean that I'm some sort of..." he paused before saying the next part uneasily, "...monster?"

"No," Damien chuckled lightly, "nothing like that," he assured, then continued in an effort to help the other understand his meaning, "Many people do manifest supernatural powers, but are still as human as the next person," he paused a moment to allow Kyle to absorb this information and gauge his reaction, before proceeding to elaborate, "These powers usually take the form of psychic gifts and lesser, unnoticeable abilities - even luck to an extent,"

---

I understand that these are first drafts and you may have fleshed these out further anyway, so perhaps my example above is redundant, in which case I apologise for jumping the gun there, hehe.

Actually, thinking about it, I'm not sure what your plans would have been when you get around to fleshing it out - as you said, these are first drafts, so in all fairness you may have added to it in the way I'm suggesting I was going to suggest, that perhaps the information on Xan could be held off for a while - I know, it's the chapter to introduce the characters in, but perhaps it could benefit by shrouding him in mystery for a while? I mean, we know what he is - well the class of it - and even though it's been explained excellently, I like to entertain the idea of perhaps Kyle getting on the wrong side of Xan for a while. After all, the guy's aloof - how do you approach an aloof person you momentarily felt the hots for? Also, pacing...it adds to pacing and you don't want to feel like you're revealing too much all at once, simply because you want to get into the meaty bit that bit faster - it is possible to mix meat with substance, well...food for thought...I'm starting to get hungry, but I just ate about 4 hours ago :/

Then there's variety in speech. You mainly use 'Said' it's the most common word used, but there's a whole range to choose from (as I discovered over the years) to suit the tone of what you're looking for. It also adds variety, and removes from the whole "He said; She said" thing, but again...you may have changed these during your fleshing out...

I'm not sure if there's anything else I can add, since as mentioned these are first drafts and I'm not too sure how you would have approached it when going over it again...

Edited March 3, 2011 by ErutanXiku

[*Steel]

Heh yeah that was pretty much exactly what I was thinking when writing it. I was getting painfuly aware of how many "said"s I was using. So your right I had always ment to go back and further flesh out their interactions. I just wanted to get a draft of their conversation out of the way. I can gage their reactions in my head but I'm aware that it dosn't come across so well with just words.

I was actualy holding back a little on discribing the sceanery. I was about to go into more deapth but I resisted as I didn't want to bog it down too much... but then again this is a first look so maybe I have too. The reader dosn't see it as clearly as I do in my head.

The first chapter is purpusly lapse of much discription save for key points. Done from Kyles perspective he dosn't really care about anything. So he's an unreliable witness as he dosn't look properly at his suroundings. Its only when something smacks him in the face that he actualy takes notice.

I should have discribed the car park a little better though.

As for Xan its important to note that the others were just introducing him as a Dhampir. It was he himslef that stated there was more too it. There reasons for him not hiding what he is but also its not the whole truth. There is more to it than that. Its just the top layer of his err... mystery trifle. lol! Its only to try and set Kyle at ease by making it seem he's explaning everything.

I'm not sure if its best to redo chapter 2 right now or wait till the final part is done and then try and flesh them all out together. I feel I 'd get a better feel doing it that way. Also I'd be more likly to pick up on errors and inconsistancys.

But thanks for reading. Please dont think you have to hold back with critisism. I didn't find that too harsh at all (perhaps because its what I was intending) so dont worry about offending me. Its got to get better somehow.

[ErutanXiku]

Go with that - redo Chapter 2 after the final part is done; or more like do your fleshing out of the chapters - though not at the same time - then we'd be in a better position to give feedback

With describing the scenery, you don't have to make the car park sound like a palace, but with Kyle as your chosen guide I get that he wouldn't pay much attention to the world; it seems like as you've put it, everything's kind of a hazy blur because he doesn't show any interest in anything unless it involves him directly, or it's so out of the ordinary he can't not notice it. But, yes, you could embellish a little on the descriptions by putting Kyle-isms on it, if you get what I mean?

Regarding Xan, I guess I misunderstood his reaction, it sounded like he snapped out that remark about telling Kyle everything...what with the others going into it, the way Xan said it made it seem like he was a little touchy about his heritage; I mean, he does his job really well, the last thing he needs is the new guy treating him like a freak like most people would, considering he saved his behind. It's not like he was going to hide it, but perhaps reveal it his own way-ish, but wasn't comfortable with how it was suddenly being spoken about since they also know nothing about Kyle...that was the impression I got...it just seemed aggressive, but then yeah, I have to keep reminding myself it's a sneak peek at something better

As for his parentage, the thought struck me, and you may have thought of this already, but...did his mother mistake his father for a full Human? Or can Succubi/Incubi feed off of Half-Bloods, or just certain ones? Also, I thought their Glamour's only worked on the intended target, which in the case of Succubi/Incubi is only members of the opposite gender, unless perhaps...Xan is an extremely special case like they keep saying? I guess it depends on the rules you've applied for your story, since a lot of people these days take liberties with mythology, and perhaps with the modern acceptance with what was once thought of sexual deviation - though, there's no reason for it to have been shunned in the first place, since it was a common practice before certain religions rose up...just saying... - but who's to say that Succubi/Incubi only had one intended target. After all, their existence was created by religious folks who wanted to explain away dreams of that nature, since they're the biggest prudes around. So yeah, go with it *shrugs* But still, did his mother mistake his father or something? Though asking that will force you to think about the nature of the demons and supernatural in this world...

As an aside, having said the above reminds me of the idea I came up with for my Lucifer-based story, though because there are so many contradictions with it, I'm not sure how I'm going to write a good story. It was just this one scene that made me think of writing a story, and it involved God speaking through various people and trying to get Lucifer to return, explaining his nature to him. It sort of put God in a sinister light, but it also feels a bit presumptive of me to even consider what God may say...heck I feel like I'm going out of bounds just writing about Angels, and yet so many people have done it! Anyway, the world wasn't deeply rooted in mythology in that there is no Hell, but Lucifer and his army were cast out of Heaven for their treachery and banished to Earth. Each year a Fallen Angel dies, taking with them an entire reality and their name is seared into Lucifer's being and is visible in natural Sunlight - due to his affinity with the Sun/Morning Star - and their deaths act like a countdown of sorts until the End of the World, which is the day of Lucifer's death unless he repents.

Edited March 3, 2011 by ErutanXiku

[*Steel]

That sounds like a really nice idea for a story. I'd definatly like to see something like that. I've always found Mythology to be facinating even though I've a firm athiest myself. I especialy like slight twists to the usual tales.

I see what you mean about the conversation. I didn't make that was clear is its suposed to. Xan is indeed angry, partly at his heritage and partly because he knows he will be judged by it. The part I didn't make clear was he's been pushed into this position. He'd have quite likely kept Kyle in the dark. Its Damien's idea to come across as honist. That was Xan's little stroppy "Well why dont you just tell him everything." and revealing what the other know about him. Whether that is whole truth is another matter. I'll try and make that more apparent in the edit.

His parentage is indeed rather important. Half breeds with humans are common with some creatures. Succubi and Incubi being the main cross breeders. But in my mind that would just create another one of their kind. Not a cross breed. Its only the fact his father is Dhampir that this happened... and there is a very spesific reasoning behind it that I dont want to spoil too much.

I also figure that he can't control his Glamour. Its sort of like Scott Summers. Its on all the time. It can be focused but is constantly firing.

I need to make a book of lour for myself so I can refine things and dont slip up or conflict with myself.

I also just noticed I left out some key observations and foreshadowing about Damien. Derrr...

[ErutanXiku]

So...did some further reading into Succubi/Incubi and apparently, Incubi don't care who they go after, though when they prey upon women it's usually to impregnate them :/

I guess the team could readily reveal Xan's situation...it just depends on how much they respect his privacy, since ultimately, even if Damien has an "honesty policy", it's still Xan's business...I forgot to mention how when he was first introduced, I imagined he looked a little like David Xanatos from Gargoyles; I loved that show.

As for being religious, I'm not really into practicing my religion, but I believe there is a "God"/Higher Power, but I think my semi-religious upbringing has given me an inner fear of offending the Man Upstairs. But I think I may start another WIP topic and discuss the ideas the or something...maybe *shrugs*

[*Steel]

I generaly see Incubi as being more sinnister. Especialy the old dipictions of them being small goblin like looking creatures that sit on their pray's chest to hold them down. Succubi are seen as a bit more seductive. There is a slight twist that will pop up in the story after this.

In my mind Xan isn't treated like a regular member. He holds a diffrent position and even though they can aparently trust him its not something that will ever be wholehearted. They are all know he's a step up the food chain and can very likly kill them if he wanted. He's their weapon so they have to take extra precautions to make sure the Safty is on.

Never actualy seen Gargoyles. Its on my list of things I should watch when I get a chance... along with about two TB of anime and other stuff. Always heard it was a good show. May jump it up my "to watch next" list.

Although raised as a christian and sent to a catholic school I don't think I ever believed. I'm not sure why. I did however have the stupid notion that everyone (especialy adults) knew what I was thinking if they were in the same room or touching the same thing as me. I always thought I was secretly being judged. Talk about paranoia. Although to be honist I think its part of what gave me my "Be good not for a reward, but because its the right thing to do." attitude.

[ErutanXiku]

Sinister Incubus...like this?

When I first encountered that monster in SMT: Lucifer's Call, my brother's eyes bugged out and I had no idea why...he then awkwardly explained...

I should rewatch Gargoyles, as I'm sure I missed a few episodes and then there was the movie that only came out on video that I never got to watch...*puts on "to hunt down" list*

Regarding my Lucifer-based story...I can't believe this...again! I've come up with some excellent story material/inspiration again! It's not to do with tying the story together, but it's an important plot point as it covers how the War in Heaven started...it's weird because I never had these shots of inspiration when I discussed the story with my ex-friend :/ She was really keen on the story; even bounced a few ideas which I'm not sure about keeping anymore as they contradict too much, considering I've never been sure as to the direction I want to take it in...perhaps I'll draw up some kind of sheet with possible scenarios/goals and put them up for feedback at some point...seriously, I'm supposed to be helping you here...[emote=simple]heh[/emote]

About religion, as a kid I never gave it much thought. I did as was expected of me, so I only did good things because it was expected and didn't do bad things because that was expected - makes me sound like a drone, and sometimes I feel like one :/ It's not like I was forced into it, I just never had an interest nor a reason not to attend the Sunday Schools. I learned our prayers; read our Holy Book and took part in the activities like competitions and presentations. I eventually stopped going due to personal reasons, but during that time away I came to see the other side of my religion and while I think it was a good way to develop my morals, I sure as heck do not believe it's a way to live one's life. That and apparently, everything I'm into "goes against my religion" in some way, according to my religious peers at school...

With this further information on Xan, I wonder how Kyle would try to interact...because like now that he knows almost everything about him, Xan would most likely behave around him like he does with the others...I'm free to ponder, but I'll wait for the third chapter

Edited March 3, 2011 by ErutanXiku

[*Steel]

Definatly try to do that with your story. Its strange how insperation can hit you and you can see the mistakes you made previously or even just ways to make it better. Sometimes people need someone to brainstorm with. An old friend and I used to to the same thing with out RPGs we ran. Was amazing how you got in the zone and came up with ideas so rapidly. Would be nice to be able to do that more often.

Oh yeah that picture is a little creepy but I was talking about this one. http://www.hauntedamericatours.com/DEMONS/incubus.jpg

From reading my Blog I'm sure you know that Kyle's weird expiriences are a sort of dramatized exaggeration of my own ones. The Sleep paralysis and seeing Shadow People. The odd part is I'm sure I must have seen that picture before as it was the very thing I felt behind me when I suffered my paralysis episode. I swear I could sort of see feel out and picture what was behind me without moving. It was a weird sensation, but what was weirder is it was very much like that picture. Wich is an old representation of Sleep Paralysis via a demon visit. Spesificly an Incubus in that picture.

I created More Than Human back in 2003. Xan has always been what he is now. So I figure I must have looked for a picture of an incubus back then and maybe stumbled across that.

[*Steel]

Meh. Work set me back a bit. Planned to have the final chapter up today but thats not going to happen. Only have a few pages left but I'm too mental drained. I fear it may be effecting things. I'll finnish up tomoroow then start on the re-write.

I think I'm going to run it in a one character focused story then a team focused one. Back and forth. I think that will alow me to flesh them all out and give them all an opertunity to shine in some respect.

I have a fair few storys in my head, but I have to put them in a good order.

[*Steel]

The Final chapter!

http://www.mediafire.com/?bdj0v69fk4m697c

Ran into a little block when I started working so I think it set the pacing kind of wacky. I'll rectify this in the main rewrite.

I'll also add some more forshadowing so the big reveal dosn't come as out of the blue as it seems (I totaly had no idea where I was going. Typical my first story is the only one not planned.)

I'll read the whole thing and try and make notes on how to improve it and make it feel more coherant, but if you have any feedback at the moment I'd really apriciate it.

[ErutanXiku]

Putting the stories in order could be considered the hard part as once you have a few set up, more will most likely sprout - as is the case with me And swapping POV's could be interesting; it's worth a shot on seeing how it works out, but it definitely does offer the opportunity to round out the characters more.

I have noticed that you've been giving yourself weekly deadlines; you don't need me to tell you this, but don't push yourself. Write as and when you feel like it, more like a combination of having the time and frame of mind - forcing it out will likely run you into writer's block and then you'll just keep putting it off. It's okay to take as long as you need to get a chapter out to just how you like it; I mean, you don't want to put it off too long, but then seeing as I'm the only one reviewing, there's no real rush since I can't preach about taking too long with stuff, hehe, that and I don't see myself going anywhere.

For some reason, when I feel like I'm pressuring myself to get something done, a quote from The 10th Kingdom comes to mind - I love that mini-series. It's when the Wolf lets Virginia stroke his tail, only she goes "against the grain" and he tells her to go "With the fur, with the fur!" I don't know why, but even though it has nothing to do with what I just said, it still reminds me to take my time and let things flow. If you're too tired or not in the mood to write, but know you need to do it, don't - just go back to it when you feel you're up to it, that way you can ensure you're always doing your best work...or something like that. My brain works in weird ways - it's a scary combination of stupid and "smart"...at least it scares my brother.

As for the new chapter; it feels more fleshed out and I'm not sure, but it feels like you've been taking some of the things I said to practice - most notably, expanding on description and varying words for "said" Though, a few things...when Kyle is describing his room, is he recounting what he saw upon entering, or is he going through it so that he's guiding the reader with him? Also, you may want to go over some of the descriptions for expressions and "said" variations, as I'm getting the feeling that some of them are a bit harsh. You may be going over this in your clean up, but I'll point it out anyway...it kind of falls in line with the misunderstanding I had over Xan's outburst in Chapter 2. Examples of what I mean are:

“…no… I can’t…” He sneered before blinking a few times, his eyes starting to burn. - "Sneered" is, to me, a more aggressive term and you'd usually use it when belittling someone/scoffing at them.

Kyle turned to her. His stern expression actually giving her some reassurance - "Stern" is a more disciplinary term, so I think "Determined" would be better?

“Sounds like its coming from the other side.” Rhiannon hissed as they covered behind the small hatchback. - "Hissed" is similar; it's a harsh way of whispering, which I don't think she means to be doing.

“WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!” Kyle whimpered as he checked himself for holes. - Capitals don't go with "Whimpering", that's more "Exclamation". "Whimpering" is a more broken up sentence, like "Stammering", but it has that fearful edge instead of being flustered; you could have it be instead: "What the heck is going on?!" Kyle exclaimed fearfully, as he ducked down beside Jason and checked himself for holes. or something like that...

Simply, the point I'm making is to go over the reactions and try to hit the right mark - of course, I understand that you're going to polish it, but keep it in mind just in case

Also, I'm not too sure how I feel, as a reader, about Rhiannon opening up to Kyle so quickly...well revealing her emotional side that deeply, when she's been introduced to be a woman who's quite upfront and business-like, with next to no patience where Kyle is concerned. That and she seemed pretty "together" during the raid on his apartment. Unless of course, that was the "Big Reveal" you mentioned, then ignore what I said This is probably me not understanding the act, but what is she doing when she's tapping her teeth together? I'm getting a mental image of a chipmunk... Is it her nervous tic?

For some reason, I don't seem to have any comments on Jason yet...he seems okay. Xan, on the other hand, is giving too many mixed signals, but I suppose that's down to his character Otherwise, I think it's going well so far; as I've maintained, I like the tone of your writing and the way you deliver certain lines and thoughts works well, in that when it's funny I do find it funny, and then I tend to laugh at more inappropriate things like Kyle's "Ultimate Attack" (as I've dubbed it) against the adversary - keep it up and I look forward to the polished work. Just be careful with how you word things, because while the intended imagery is clear, the wording can confuse it

Oh and at the further risk of sounding daft (more than I've already made myself out to be, anyway), is that Latin? Do you know Latin? I've been interested in learning, but never got around to it...or rather haven't yet.

Edited March 11, 2011 by ErutanXiku

[*Steel]

I have noticed that you've been giving yourself weekly deadlines; you don't need me to tell you this, but don't push yourself.

I'm not pushing myself in a way that I'm sacrificing something. I honistly want to do it but I find if I don't give myself deadlines with stuff then I will slack off. I work better under pressure.

As for the new chapter; it feels more fleshed out and I'm not sure, but it feels like you've been taking some of the things I said to practice - most notably, expanding on description and varying words for "said"

Though, a few things...when Kyle is describing his room, is he recounting what he saw upon entering, or is he going through it so that he's guiding the reader with him?

Never thought of it that way. I guess the discription if for the reader, but I puctured it as how Kyle would see the room as he entered and looked around. So a bit of both. How do you think I can clear that up?

“…no… I can’t…” He sneered before blinking a few times, his eyes starting to burn. - "Sneered" is, to me, a more aggressive term and you'd usually use it when belittling someone/scoffing at them.

Yeah I see your point. I was going for an expresion of displeasure and dissapointment... but not a frown.

Kyle turned to her. His stern expression actually giving her some reassurance - "Stern" is a more disciplinary term, so I think "Determined" would be better?

Yeah determined fits better here thanks.

“Sounds like its coming from the other side.” Rhiannon hissed as they covered behind the small hatchback. - "Hissed" is similar; it's a harsh way of whispering, which I don't think she means to be doing.

It is suposed to be kind of harsh. She's paniced and under pressure. The harshness isn't aimed at Kyle but its the stress of the situation comming out.

“WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!” Kyle whimpered as he checked himself for holes. - Capitals don't go with "Whimpering", that's more "Exclamation". "Whimpering" is a more broken up sentence, like "Stammering", but it has that fearful edge instead of being flustered; you could have it be instead: "What the heck is going on?!" Kyle exclaimed fearfully, as he ducked down beside Jason and checked himself for holes. or something like that...

Ah yeah. I was trying to get it to sound like whiney... like Shaggy from scooby do.

Simply, the point I'm making is to go over the reactions and try to hit the right mark - of course, I understand that you're going to polish it, but keep it in mind just in case

No its all good. I see it clear in my head but its transefring the same thing to other people. This helps alot.

Also, I'm not too sure how I feel, as a reader, about Rhiannon opening up to Kyle so quickly...well revealing her emotional side that deeply, when she's been introduced to be a woman who's quite upfront and business-like, with next to no patience where Kyle is concerned. That and she seemed pretty "together" during the raid on his apartment. Unless of course, that was the "Big Reveal" you mentioned, then ignore what I said This is probably me not understanding the act, but what is she doing when she's tapping her teeth together? I'm getting a mental image of a chipmunk... Is it her nervous tic?

Ah yes. She's not as together as she apears in moments of stress. I probubly didn't make it clear enough but she was actualy way out in the hallway. They also knew what they were dealing with and she was protected behind Jason and Xan. In a social situation she is calm and collected. Her distain is just that she has a bit of an ego and she is quite sarcastic and has a dry sence of humour. Coupled with the fact she wasn't exactly impressed by Kyle on their first and second meeting. She didn't nessisarily like him but feels sorry for his situation. When the presure is on she falls apart. The thought of loosing others that are close to her were too much and thats why she broke down. She also felt like it was unfair to keep their farily high death count a secret. Its also a bit more personal.

The teeth tapping is a nervous tic... yeah sort of like a chipmunk. I was trying to think what it was like but thats a good discription.

For some reason, I don't seem to have any comments on Jason yet...he seems okay.

Jason's an odd one to get right. He's suposed to be generic Detective dude(although I 've dropped a few hints as to something unusual about him.)

He is based on someone elses character as this used to be an RPG. Rhiannon and him are amalgims of a few diffrent people. While I got Rhiannon solidified in my head. Jason is a bit more tricky due to his blandness. That and I cant stop picturing him as Castiel from Supernatural.

Xan, on the other hand, is giving too many mixed signals, but I suppose that's down to his character

Yes he's my Onion character. Lots of layers so he seems sort of conflicting as its wrapped up in a resentful, over protective loaner forced to work as a team. His words to Kyle at the end dosn't mean he's now accepted him. It was more a pat the dog moment.

Out of all the characters I write I'm most worried about how Xan comes across. There is a big danger of Marty Stuing the place up. I've given him some pretty hard flaws but as resisdent action man and a bunch of super powers I have to keep a tight reign on him. That and he's my Crow... basicly my outlet of emotion, frustration and rage. It'll become more apparent.

Oh and at the further risk of sounding daft (more than I've already made myself out to be, anyway), is that Latin? Do you know Latin? I've been interested in learning, but never got around to it...or rather haven't yet.

Yeah it's Latin. I dont actualy know it but they are actual excorsizm rites I found thanks to the webz! I do have the translations as well.

Expect more hillarity of Kyle ever gets a book of sealing or Jason's book of useful spells.

[ErutanXiku]

Though, a few things...when Kyle is describing his room, is he recounting what he saw upon entering, or is he going through it so that he's guiding the reader with him?

Never thought of it that way. I guess the discription if for the reader, but I puctured it as how Kyle would see the room as he entered and looked around. So a bit of both. How do you think I can clear that up?

Re-read the passage and it seems okay...don't know what made me ask that :/ It sounds like Kyle is recalling the layout of the room from where he is on the bed - sitting up, right? I'm a little stumped on how to clear it up actually, since you can either choose to leave it as is, or do something more with Kyle such as have him wander about to the coffee table or something, which will give you an opportunity to describe that area then briefly wonder about taking a shower, which in turn will trigger a memory and his impressions on the bathroom or something. Or you could go a bit deeper with the thinking back on things, like his impressions of the base - who gave him the tour and what did they have to say about certain areas, if he remembered anything about it apart from the areas pointed out to him...and then when he's introduced to his room, how he felt about it and if he explored?

“…no… I can’t…” He sneered before blinking a few times, his eyes starting to burn. - "Sneered" is, to me, a more aggressive term and you'd usually use it when belittling someone/scoffing at them.

Yeah I see your point. I was going for an expresion of displeasure and dissapointment... but not a frown.

Did a little thinking on this one, and based on the feeling you wanted to convey, I thought "Crestfallen" would work, but that isn't suited for the situation. So, I hit the thesaurus and came up with "Dispirited"?

“Sounds like its coming from the other side.” Rhiannon hissed as they covered behind the small hatchback. - "Hissed" is similar; it's a harsh way of whispering, which I don't think she means to be doing.

It is suposed to be kind of harsh. She's paniced and under pressure. The harshness isn't aimed at Kyle but its the stress of the situation comming out.

By "Harsh" I meant more to convey anger/disapproval...sorry. So she's "on edge" based on the situation..."Whispered Edgily" might work?

---

Castiel is pure class and the guy who plays him, Misha Collins, is excellent considering the other roles I've seen him in. I keep thinking of Supernatural when I read your chapters - not comparing them, mind, but just feeling nostalgic over it and waiting for the 6th Season to start...which apparently is in the Summer! So, I got impatient and am doing what my brothers are doing at Uni...

I love that line he drops in Season 5, when he turns up drunk.

But anyway, I've always pictured Jason to be a somewhat older Dick Gumshoe from Phoenix Wright, but he also has similarities to Castiel's appearance - the scruffy, detective look they all share.

Regarding Xan - I just figured out where this nickname came from! - I understand your concerns on his character, since he's the Onion. What you don't want to do is give him too many flaws to balance out the awesome, as that can also ruin your character and label him as the dreaded "Emo" (yeah, I know I'm using it out of context, and it annoys me, but I won't be labelling him that, other people will) He'll become the Vincent Valentine of the crew - not from FFVII, but from how SE has portrayed him now, or maybe even Cloud Strife as he is now, rather than FFVII. I hate what SE has done to them...so...very...much...

I've always pictured Xan, or rather thought what you had in mind for him as I read, to be more like Archer from Fate/Stay Night in terms of personality. The strong male character who gets the job done, but also has his issues. He's very level-headed and can keep his eyes on the big picture; he isn't exactly aloof, but he comes off like an ass though has a whole bunch of layers underneath that flippant exterior.

As for using him as your outlet character, I see nothing wrong with that. The majority of my issues with my life and experiences are dealt with by my characters in my comic, only I haven't just put them all on one character. It's, oddly, been spread out among each of them to some degree and I did that without even realising, such as I have one character, Malcolm, who's the part of me that I keep reigned in - he goes about doing and saying things that I normally wouldn't do, and then there's Chris' older brother, Anthony, who unintentionally became the character that embodies my experiences of having to grow up early and the fears associated with that :/

Granted not everyone who's in a similar position to me has turned out like I have, but that's how it is...what I find even more odd, is that I've channeled myself mainly in male characters :/

EDIT

I forgot to mention, way earlier, that yes, I did notice that Kyle's sleep-experiences mirrored your own

Edited March 12, 2011 by ErutanXiku

[*Steel]

Dispirited.. woh I had no idea that was an actual word. Sounds kind of strange to me even though it makes sence. I'll maybe use disheartened or rephrase the sentance.

I was thinking of tweeking Jason's look but I cant stop seeing him as Misha Collins now... Like an old even more bedraggled version. Makes sence as I could picture every one else really well in my head but he was the sort of odd one out till the car park bit. Probubly shouldn't have watched Supernatural the night before. I think that clinched it for me.

Oddly I came up with More than Human about a year before I saw Supernatural but the general feel should be roughly the same. Usualy dark and gritty but with humourus moments spread throughout.

That actualy reminds me... where do you see this set? in my head its america and the MTH rpg was in New york... but I dont think I'll go for the same city this time. I considered actualy setting it in london but later on there are alot of elements that fit america better.

I kind of wanted to pull it away from seeming like a Supernatural rip off, because its what most poeple's minds go to when they read it. It couldn't even really be set in the same sort of universe as there are too many elements of the monsters that are diffrent.

I remember a friend saw the name Xan and he prounounced it like Ex-ian... I just looked at him like a fool. TReading the line between perceved "emo" and marty stu is difficult. Got to get the right amount of brooding because even if someone has perfectly good reason for being depressed there are so many people who will throw around the Emo lable unjustly. Although too be honist I'll write Xan how I feel he would act with the baggage he carries rather than try and over compensate one way or another.

Usualy my characters are the same. All in some part an extention of myself. Its hard to be compleatly original as you will usualy write some part of them that links the character too your own person. Kyle is how I would picture myself without drive ambition and utterly sheltered. Xan is his contrast and probubly closer to me as a result. Willful but with more of a dark past and hang ups, but ultimatly trying his best to be selfless. Rhiannon is my sarcasm... which is legendary so I had to tone it down.

Half way thorugh the second draft. Fleshing out a few bits as I go. Putting a little more planning into the second story before jumping in but I'll be starting that shortly.

[ErutanXiku]

For some reason, I prefer the phrase "Spirits Waning" to "Dispirited", because then it opens the possibility of him adding some thought on him doubting his abilities, or if it was a fluke, in case you were thinking of expanding on it...

I don't think you need to worry about it looking like a Supernatural (TV Series) rip-off; there are so many Supernatural-based (mythology in general) stuff out there. Sure, most revolve around Vampires and Werewolves, but there's always going to be that overlap. Also, for some reason, anything that deals with the Supernatural (mythology) is always dark and gritty, with humour thrown in to lighten up the pace. So, while it might be something constantly on your mind, don't worry about it :/

I had a similar worry about my Lucifer-based story, mainly how I was planning on portraying him. I came up with that story long before Supernatural (TV Series) came out, and I had it pretty set how I wanted Lucifer to be...only since I didn't have a finished product, and we were introduced to Lucifer in Supernatural (TV Series), I saw that there were similarities and I didn't want people to think I had ripped the attitude off. It's how coincidence works, and it's not something you can avoid, since someone else will always have a similar idea, just some are in a better position to get it out before you do :/

As for where I see it set...I've been envisioning it to be somewhere in the UK...I'd say London, since it's what I'm familiar with, but it could just as well be set up in your ends. I made that choice because a lot of stuff I watch is set in America, so it would be nice to have a decent story set in the UK, just to be different...even though there was that series, Spooks, but I haven't watched it, been meaning to though. However, reading it, despite me mentally setting it in London/anywhere in the UK, I do notice the American-isms like the use of "blocks" as opposed to "streets", which made me unsure of where you intended it to be set, since it's never outright said :/

Just to be sure...Xan is meant to have the "X" pronounced as it is in "Xylophone", right? Since it's a shortened version of his forename...? But definitely, write him the way you planned, since second-guessing yourself on it might ruin him :/

[*Steel]

Yeah its pronounced Zan short for Xander, short for Alexander. I do get the confusion as its not a common variation on the name but thats why I picked it. Plus Alexander gives me lots of names spun from it. You'll find out why I want that soon. I'm not sure how the next reveal of his will go down so you will be my guinea pig.

Spirits waining is good... I'll use that one for sure.

I know what you mean about it feeling more unique if based in the UK I do want to go that route, but its hard not to picture it where I had it originaly.. and its not the only branch of The Order of Gabriel. Later on in the story it makes sence for it to be in the US but I could make it the UK branch. I wanted to sort of leave it up to the reader. Thats why I only said "The City" and not an actual name.

I wonder if I can swap the other branches around and place them in europe rather than the main cities of the US. Would give it an older more historic feel to the mythology I think.

I'll have to decide pretty soon and maybe taylor things to fit. Wouldn't take much editing of Shadowfall to do it.

Whatever I decide I'm sticking away from writing accents in the phonic sence. I hate that. Makes me cringe every time I read it. Comics are the worst... mainly X-men when they visit scotland. They just characiture the accent way to much.

[*Steel]

Second Draft with edits.

http://www.mediafire.com/?4d9003l6hsu830d

Possibly not the final peice but I will be moving onto the next story now. I'll come back to them latter once I have a few done. Some times I find its best to come back to something after a break.

[ErutanXiku]

Read it and it's very good - like the improvements you've made, and I can feel Xan's irritation more I look forward to the next part!

I just realised...after Kyle's first meeting with the Order, outside his apartment, he goes to sleep and is later woken up and taken straight to the HQ...does he spend that entire time from being dragged out of bed to throughout the whole of Chapter 2...in like...his boxers or something? Unless of course he's wearing layers, 'cause it's Winter...

I can't think of much, apart from perhaps try to break up long parts of speech as it could come off like a "Wall of Text" and feels like the character is rambling a little.

I wouldn't touch writing in accents with a ten-foot pole; it's always annoying when you see it and then you have to try and make sense of what's being said. It makes reading it a bit harder, and then when you do make it coherent enough, it always seems off. Though, there may be some exceptions...such as the stereotype of "Top o' the morning to ye/yeh/ya"...whatever...>.> that's just an example in general.

As for locations for the Order of Gabriel, you could place them across Europe, but there's nothing stopping you from making it Global, though you don't have to explore that far. If you want to set it in the US, go for it, since I set in London because that's what I'm familiar with - someone else could have easily set it in Auckland or Brisbane based on the Western name selection Also, for some reason, I do associate the Supernatural mythology with Europe since that's where it all came from, pretty much.