durendal

A man is sitting at a diner counter when another guy takes the stool next to him. He notices that the guy has a long duffel bag and asks what's inside.

"Its my sniper rifle," he says. "I'm a professional hitman."

"No way!" says the first guy. "Mind if I take a look through the scope? I think I can see my house from here." The hitman nods and hands over his gun.

"This is amazing. I can see right into the window of my house," says the first guy. "There's my wife in the bedroom. And she's naked. Wait..... there's my neighbor!! Bastard!! How much do you charge for a hit?"

"Flat price," says the sniper. "One thousand dollars per shot."

"Well here's a check for two thousand," says the guy. " I want you to shoot both of them: my wife in the head and my neighbor in his dick. That should teach them."

The sniper takes the rifle, aims, then stands still for a few moments.

"You gonna shoot them or what?"

Give me a minute," says the hitman. "I think i can save you a thousand dollars."

George had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change.

"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week," George replied. "I haven't had a single problem since."

"A thousand a week?" said his friend. "How the hell are you going to pay him?"

"Fukc him. That's his problem."

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

MORAL: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Anagrams:

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lots in 'em

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarm = Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit a fortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to keep him company.

So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert that night.

And four days later, she became his stepmother.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other People to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

Christmas story

There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting, to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

He opened it and read:

Dear God,

I am a 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.

Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady, to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,

Edna

A married couple driving home see a wounded skunk by the side of the road.

The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.

WIFE "It's shivering, it must be cold, what should I do "?

HUSBAND "put it between your legs to keep it warm"

WIFE "what about the smell"?

HUSBAND "Oh Yeah, you better hold it's nose" !!!

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk

by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the

man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes,

I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are

there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys,

ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for

college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for

Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12

pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the

married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

A man of slight build entered a bar. "Excuse me," he said, "Does someone here have a Rottweiler waiting outside?"

"Yeah, I do." A big guy spoke up. "Some kind of problem?"

"Well," the short one said, "I'm afraid my Chihuahua has killed your Rottweiler."

"What are you, some of kind of nut?" he roard. "My dog is a killer. He could eat your dog."

"I'm afraid that's what happened, then. Your dog choked to death on mine."

An engineer, a doctor, and a lawyer while playing golf began arguing which was the older profession. The doctor said: "The doctor of course....the Bible said that God created woman from Adam's rib. Therefore, God was a doctor!" The engineer said: "Wrong! The Bible said that God created order out of chaos. Therefore, God was an engineer!". The lawyer just laughed and said: "Well...who do you think created all that chaos???"

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for

$500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he

told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have

his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent

for Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,

realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check

for $250 and enclosed a note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in

the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount

agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression

that:

It had never been occupied;

There was plenty of heat;

It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that

there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of

the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful

apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is

plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the

apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom

making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed

her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very

dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion

and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for

you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight;

the poor thing, practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker

wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.

When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use.........

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races it's the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied and at this, she apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again, "what was that for?!"

She responded,

"Your f*****g horse phoned."

HREE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small Rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson 1 - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

==========================================

Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson 2 - Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

==========================================

Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson 3 - Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your three minute management course

police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of

the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as

far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on

his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.

"My name's Lars, I'm your neighbour from forty miles up the road. I'm

having a Christmas party on Friday night, thought you might like to come."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink

with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna

be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be there, thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea, "I've

been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

"By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... just gonna be the two of us."

We've all heard about People having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the backside and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me a condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move !

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

CHINESE PROVERBS

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Virginity like bubble ; one prick, all gone.

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Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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A PSYCHIATRIST was conducting a group therapy session with four young

mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he said. To the first mother, Mary, he said:

"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann:

"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce:

"Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy

by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down

to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, as

they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he

would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying

all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss

approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have

to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off ?" she says. "I feel like drenn."

Sam and Bessie are in their 80's. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie,

"So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new shoes!"

Bessie replies, "You should have bought a hat."

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.