On the last friday I bought a bike:

Atemi Diversion 100 (2008) for 150$ (it cost 190$-210$ in the shop).

Weight: 14,5 kg

Last time I had a bike - was almost 10 years ago, and that was this model of "Aist" (but green):

And last saturday I had a ride trough my town with 3 of my friends. Now here's what we have:

1) First of my friend crushed second's rear derailleur (rammed him from behind);

2) Then the second friend used a bike of the first friend and fall hardly on his first 20 meters (broke some important plastic stuff on the handlebar);

3) Then the first friend torn apart his drive chain...

4) And I broke the reflector on the right pedal.

At least we alive :biggrin:

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sorry for my poor english x))

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Later I will post something, and video with me doing crazy stuff! x))

Back onto the topic, I'm a smegging excited right now, cause I just got a e-mail from Bethesda Game Studios that they are interested in interviewing me for a PAID Internship for a QA Tester. I'm just waiting for an e-mail/call back for the time. Hopefully I didn't jinx this by posting this. [emote=monkey]yay[/emote]

So this blog will be for a lot of different things related to the prehistoric world, fiction, film, comic, manga primarily but also to talk about the real world facts as well. It also save on space if I confine it to a single topic.

So to start off, along with working on the Blue Hole manga, which I'll talk more about in the future, I've taken up fossil collection and hunting. Here's my collection at present. 

Spinosaurus Tooth

Mammoth Tooth - partial

Basilosaurus Tooth

Mylodontidae (Sloth Species) Tooth

Carcharodontosaurus Tooth - Small

Arthropleura Exoskeleton - My oldest specimen at 310 million years old.

Megalodon Tooth

Edmontosaurus Rib - partial

Cave Bear Paw

Woolly Rhino Bone - joint?

T. Rex Tooth Fragment

Rebbachisaurus Tooth

and finally one of the Ammonites I picked up, literally, from the Jurassic Coast.

I just got done watching the Evangelion movie and now I have an image of Rhia going out of control like Eva-1 did while going up against the Fourth Angel. I'll have to draw it or write it down; it's cool and scary at the same time.

It's been a while since I've been around these parts. Quite a few of you will know me as the ever-mental Dr. Mecha from the GuyverBoard. I used to be an Administrator over there with Ryuki and the others and I mainly performed maintenance on the site (along with various bits of interesting moderation).

An unknown secret from the GuyverBoard days was that myself and Ryuki were working on a similar system this site has right now. It wasn't a wiki, but it would have been a way for users to contribute Guyver information to the masses.

It's funny to think that through the Guyver, I had found some of the best people on earth. The people I met through the GuyverBoard and indeed this site truly have my respect for the amount of love and time they put into their chosen subjects, be it Guyver,Tokusatsu or otherwise.

These days, I don't do much forum stuff. When the GuyverBoard folded and became the stuff of forum legend, I decided to start up a gaming website. That site didn't quite go the way I had invisioned so it was closed quite early on. From there, I drifted a little until I decided to give it all another go.

I now run ConsoleCore, a hybrid video game journalism / blog site which lets me leak all the industry information I've got access to out onto the interwebs. Through it, I talk about recent news, write editorials and post up reviews.

Every so often I drift back here to 'annoy' those I know. Ryuki's never managed to get rid of me (well... not yet anyway!) so I guess I'll continue to be the site nomad.

If you have gaming questions... hit me with them. I like the challenge of finding the answer's that people want to know (especially when I have to look at my e-mail list of PR reps).

Until next time friends, stay tuned to this channel.

I've decided to start this topic off with just some random stuff.

For those of you who read my sports topic, I'm a huge auto racing/motorsports fan.  Sadly, now isn't a good time to be a fan of American based motorsports.  The United Sports Car Racing (USCR) group is made up of the merger between the American Le Mans Series and Grand Am.  Grand Am and the ALMS are hence now majority owned by Jim France of France Family/NASCAR fame.  Reports are that GA team owners got together for a meeting with series brass at Road Atlanta a couple of weeks ago and stated their case that they didn't want the ALMS classes aside from GTLM (as USCR calls it, it's known as LMGTE elsewhere).  It's basically believed that the NASCAR-backed factions want it this way, in spite of an agreement and a written contract with the ACO and the FIA over the issue that USCR would follow certain request from the FIA and ACO.  Since this seems to go against those agreements and against what most sportscar fans want, USCR's management is just pissing on their own feet it seems.

And if the Daytona Prototype teams are afraid of LMP2s and a potential Audi V10 powered DP, I know of how things can be worse, namely if the ACO bullied USCR into keeping LMP1, then they can have to deal with cars such as the Audi R18 e-tron quattro and Toyota TS030 hybrid LMP1s kicking their asses every weekend.  DP's can barely out run LMGTE cars at most tracks, and are 5-6 seconds slower than an LMP2, with an LMP2 only costing as much as a DP.  There's a whole bunch of egos involved, and those egos remind me of a quote from the film "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane": "So many a**h***s, so few bullets", which leads to this comment which is my commentary on the situation:  "You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment of your life."  And NASCAR itself has had a few of those this year already.  There's a few things that I'd like for Sho or Agito, or even Griselda, to do to NASCAR's management.

Speaking of sportscar racing.  The Spa WEC race is this weekend.  Audi will run, once again, 2 of their "sprint" spec R18 e-tron quattros, and one Le Mans spec "long tail" car, while Toyota will have a 2012 spec TS030 hybrid, and one 2013 spec car in LM trim.  Audi dominated Silverstone against Toyota, but it probably won't be until Le Mans when we get the full picture.

As for me, I had a pretty good day at work, but I've been kind of tired most of the day, and since I have work tomorrow, I should be getting to bed soon.  I did get done most of what i wanted to get done today.  Tomorrow after work, I plan on spending most of the night playing some VGs and finishing up my fan fic chapter and working on another, and maybe soon going back to one of my more Twilight Saga themed fan fics--the current chapters I'm referring to is my Twilight and Bio-Booster Armor Guyver crossover.

I'll be back later

Here's the basic layout I'm working rom set by the series.

http://jojo.wikia.com/wiki/Stand

I'm going to try my best to try and make this stand balanced.

Name: Bigger Than T. rex

Destructive Power: B

Speed: A

Range: B

Durability: A

Precision: C

Development Potential: D

Abilities: Fossil Absorption / Creation / Manipulation

Bigger Than T. rex grants me the power to summon and control fossils. What fossils I can summon is based on those I have absorbed. I must first find a genuine fossil, let say as Spinosaurus Tooth...

Then I consume it. Yes I eat the fossil. My stand grants be the power to consume a fossil without hurting myself of making myself ill. It dose nothing to improve the flavour though. Upon doing so I can the summon any part of the skeleton of the creature to whom that fossil once belonged. So from this one tooth I can summon a full, fossilized skeleton of a spinosaurus and manipulated as I see fit. 

The most basic use of this stand is to summon and command the skeletal beast to attack others, however Bigger Than T. rex's abilities are far more diverse then that. For example I can simple summon a single rib and reshape it into a sword like structure, summon its teeth and use them as projectiles, summon an arm to swipe at someone behind me, use fossil parts to create armour etc. I'm able to levitate my manifestations within my range. I can summon multiple fossil dinosaurs although this varies based on size. Bigger Than T. rex's greatest ability is "Fossil Golem".

Abilities based around stats:

Power: When summoned, the Fossil Creatures wield all the power they had in life, if unaltered. I gain enhanced strength when using Fossil Armour. Fossil Golem is the most powerful manifestation of my stand's power. 

Speed: This primarily relates to the speed at which I can summon Bigger Than T. rex's manifestations. Instantly, as soon as I will it they appear. Fossil Creatures are as fast as they were in life, I gain enhanced speed with Fossil Armour and Fossil Golem's speed will vary based on construction.

Range: I can manifest Bigger Than T. rex's power within a 50 meter radius of myself. However I'm limited in how much I can summon at once, based on the manifestation. Starting out, summoning a single large theropod was taxing but with time I could summon 4.  The basic outline for summoning numbers is Human Sized or Smaller (up to 27), medium sized (10 to 6), large (2 to 4) and huge or Fossil Golem (1). Bits and pieces varie. 

Durability: Bigger Than T. rex's defences are of the highest quality.

Precision: Bigger Than T. rex grants me no boost to my perceptive skills, it's all down to me.  My manifestations have no will of their own and simple follow my commands blindly. My control over them varies on my concentration, I cannot have them perform complex tasks if I'm focused primarily on something else. 

Development Potential: My stand's potential for growth is low. Consuming more fossils dose not count because while doing so provides me with a larger arsenal to draw from, it doesn't improves on my stands abilities.

Miscellaneous:

While the original stands were named after taro cards, most others since then are normally named after songs and bands. I followed this trend, after a fashion, with my own stand.  Bigger Then T. rex is named after my favorit piece of music from Dino Crisis 2.

So how's that sound?

Well, I'm nearly finished posting my second Guyver fanfic, and I've made good progress typing up my first. That's good news on my end.

Ok first I have been diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism. Simply put my thyroid is pumping out more chemicals then is should and kicking my body into overdrive.

I have lost about 10% of my body weight in a month (was 14.9 stone now down to 13 stone), my arms and legs shake for no reason now and then and I get palpitations if I exert myself so no exercise for the time being, hell no running!

I am currently waiting for an appointment with a specialist so I'm currently on Beta Blockers to stop/hold back the symptoms,

With that out of the way we move onto Guyver Promotion. I am fan of the website SF DEBRIS. Its a channel that reviews all kinds of science fiction from Star Trek episodes, moves and even anime.

Ever since I joined the site I have wanted to promote guyver but my options are very limited. So I have busted out 150 dollers so get the SFD to review the first six guyver ovas. 

This was done late last year and I wanted it to be a surprise but with my health playing up I thought I let you all know now. The episodes will come out layer this year, I'll let you all know when. 

  http://sfdebris.com/

It all started one day when I was using Avira on my desktop. If you're not familiar with this, it is simply an anti-virus program. One of the features includes VPN protection. At that time I had no idea what it meant. So I started searching online to find out and read more about it. Immediately I took action and set up VPN protection on my computer. I am not too sure myself how to explain what it is (as I am still learning), but basically it protects your IP address and location, so no one can hack into your computer, or find out what sites you're frequently on. Now I am not some major hacker or anything but I certainly don't want an unsuspecting party spying on me. That kind of intrusion is simply not welcome, no matter who they are!

Do any of you guys feel the need to hide your activity online? If so, what program do you use and how trustworthy are you on this type of software. Does it really work or not. I do have my doubts but I'd like to hear your thought on the matter first before sharing any more.

@Moderators/Admins: Please feel free to move my topic elsewhere if this place isn't the right section for it. I only wanted a friendly and insightful discussion about shared interests. No harm done I hope.

everyone seems to be happy and i feel priviliged to provide this place for them along with my companions the admin.

of course, Guyver is being delayed...

I am sad that i have to miss Guyver for yet another month. it goes by so slowly and then we get a chapter! wahay! then hte chapter is read. it's so quick. then we have a lot of thoughts about what it could be...

what's going on?

but we need mor guyver.

I tried to fix my bike today. i rode under the underpass and of course, some hoodlums had broken a glass bottle under there. so i got multiple punctures simply because some smegging idiot wanted to destroy something.

it's my own fault, I should have known better than to ride under there. I suppose i had a reason for doing it. maybe i wanted to avoid something.

well i sat on the yard for the whole evening trying to get it fixed. there were many many holes in hte inner tube. i put lots of patches on and in hte end i think I got it. until i took it in and found that the tyre was half flat. must be a very small slow hole somwhere. i'll have to look at it again tomorrow or some day.

it5 was nice to sit on hte yard though. chloe my cat was flitting about. she'd go over to the odd shrub that was peeking out through hte crazy paving.. start chewing. then she attacked a spider ithink. i think this because i saw her looking like she was sneezing but then she ws chewing then she was puzzled then sneezed again.. then chewing.. then she came over all proud like "look what i did" big cat smile, suggested by teh wavery tail all bushed out. nuzzle nuzzle.

then she invited me over to her favourite spot. it ws a nice place. a bit small for me, but i could crouch at the edge. it was a bit where a branch hung down.

there were leaves all aound. i crouched down and nuzzle nuzzle. then she showed me her favourite spot. she decided to play and show me how great it was. she could reach up and grab ht branches and attack them. grab a branch and pull it down, nuzzle it and roll over. then do it again with another branch. then nuzzle nuzzle. she was having a great time.

I think she was very happy that i was sharing her space for once.

Well I was scanning the forum and I came across King GHEDORAH and remembered all the times I watched Godzilla, and played it on the Wii. My favorite monster was always Titanosaurus (other than Godzilla of course).

Other then that I was playing wario wear on the Wii with my friend, who tried to pick someones noise on the game but failed. lol

Yesterday I tried to impress a girl (at this point in my life i am going with the lone wolf thing seeing how my relationships always end with me getting the worst part) but my friend and her I think ended up likeing each other lol.

p.s. still lestining to DJ Sammy's Heaven lol

Anyone else here do their own book or project?

If you guys want to see the rest, let me know and I'll add them.

I can't believe what the forum has become. First off with buying the books to get the scans. Guyver is an extremely underground manga and we should be stoked that anybody is reading it. This is seriously the smallest forum in existence. And we shouldn't be charging $22 for a book that cost $7 in Japan. Also, I feel like I'm the only one who's pissed off that fact that almost every post is a back and forth between largest planet and the guy obsessed with Shizu and they don't even acknowledge anybody else. And all they do is agree and like everything they post. Kind of a stupid way to get rep. That's what personal messenger is for. They talk to nobody else yet they keep upping their post count just to say things that could have been a private message. And what the hell is this obsession with Shizu? It's one thing to like a character, but everything he says links back to her. No matter what topic. We could have a thread about favorite colors and he'd probably post Shizu's favorite color is in his fan fic. I guess I'm just disappointed with this board. I miss the old days when everyone talked about Kamen Rider W and the latest Guyver chapter that anybody got to read. All honesty I just don't trust anything said by anybody who wasn't reading Guyver Advocacy after 2008. I just miss having actual conversations with people who have been around for a while. Where the hell is the Tinned Meat section?!? That's all for now. I'm sure I'll have more stuff to complain about in the future.

I'm what you'd call a semi-otaku (yes, Otkau is more of an insult but i don't mind being called one). I call myself a semi-otaku because I love almst all things related to Japan. I''m still learning the names of many Japanese VA as well as names of directors, producers, song writers and vocalists. This takes a lot of time and patience and I'm still trying my best to remember a lot of it.

I draw a lot, mostly in my own anime style which is a small composite of many different styles to where I feel comfortable with. I love to draw, listen to music (Rock, metal, country, classical, score, Japanese, techno, dark, and a little jazz), make anime and live-action music videos, and have also currently taken up writting fan-fiction stories.

I first got into the world of anime and everything that is Japanese when I watched my first anime, Guyver: the 12-Part OVA. Since then, I've seen many anime and own many more via DVD, VHS, and DL (download via bittorrent). Not to get to the main parts of my life.

I was born in Charleston, South Carolina. I have so far lived in the states of South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Texas, Louisiana, Rhode Island, and the island of Bermuda. I'm 23 yrs old, 6'0", sign is Aquarius, born on January 23, 1985. I currently reside in Sebastian, Florida which is an hour and a half south of Orlando and twn and a hlaf hours north of Miami. I went to college in Rhode Island for over 3 years.

During those three years I eanred my A.S. degree in MWD (Mulitmedia and Web-Graphic Design) with high concentration in graphic design. Because of that, I'm very experienced in Photoshop, Final Cut Pro, Avid, Adobe Premiere, and After Effects. I also earned my B.S. degree in DRA (Digital Recording Arts).

My very first job I ever held was at a Grocery store in Rhode Island called "Stop-N-Shop." I was a bagger and cart pusher there for 3 months. After that I worked at a pizza restaraunt called "A-1 Pizza" for 4 years. I then moved down to Florida after I finished college to help my mom out with her newly built house. Though, when we moved to Florida, it wasn't finished yet. So for 7 months I stayed with my grandmother in Jacksonville while my mom stayed in Sebastian with my Uncle and then with one of my aunts in Orlando a few months later.

While I was in Jacksonville I worked with Kirby Vacuum's as an outside sales associate (yes, I went door-to-door selling vacuums). That job only lasted for 2 weeks before I quit ecause they only payed me $50 bucks fo rthe whole time I worked. I then worked at a flooring store called "Floor 7 Decor" for my remaining 5 months in Jacksonville.

Around late May this year I mocved to Sebastian, after the house was finished, so I could help my mother around the house. I did this because she had her left knee replaced last summer so I don't want her doing to much to where she would hurt herself. So for a long time I've been unemployed due to the bad shape of the economy. Now I rescently started a new job, though it's only seasonal. This means that it will end sometime in January. So for the time being I'm working at KB TOYS. I'm gonna look for a full-time job as well though cuz I still have student loans to pay back.

Now for some basic info. I first became involved in a forum called TheGuyver.net, or GBoard for short, around 2004. During that time, I became good friends with a few good members from there. We then made this site around early last year. I was an admin of this site for awhile then after a discussion with the admins, I stepped down from my position and stayed on as a Guyver Advocacy member. The Guyver Advocacy, GA for short, is a team of site members that take the scanlated chapters of the Guyver manga that have yet to be translated into English and put them into English for fans.

As a member of this team, I am 1 of the 2 members that takes the complete books and puts them into colour. The other member is called Unknown Guyver. He and I have currently put the colour scans on hold for a while do to personal reason. His mostly being him having to work 2 jobs. Mine are because I am looking for a good job that can fully support me so i only come here to mainly talk.

Though, I have talked with the site founder, Ryuki, and I have decided to get back to doing the colour scans so that I can post a few chapters by X-Mas as a gift to the site. I have also begun writing fan-fictions which also cut into my colour scan time. My first fan-fiction is based on one of my Guyver creations called Quantum Guyver whom I use in an online RPG here on this site. I'm currently working on my second fan-fic based on my own Kamen Rider character. The first chapter should be up within the end of the month.

The Qunatum Guyver fan-fic can be found here in the "Adaptions" section of the site and also at FanFiction.Net. Over there, I'm known as Toku Warrior. I wanted to use my HyperGuyver alias......but someone already took it...........damn, they shall burn in hell for impersinating me, lol. Oh well. Well, that's basically it. I will regularly update this blog every few days. Feel free to post your cooments here.

Well, See everyone around on the board.

then i was gonna put her in the microwave to dry her off, but mom came in and saw what was happening.. beat the crap outta me too...

saved the cat tho... but you wont believe what i did next after mom left.

Folk Literature

Well this is a first for me, I have not tried the blog area at all since i have joined here, anyways i wanted to start my first blog discussing Folk Literature, I for one like it cause it gives you a sense of knowing your roots and how things where interpreted in the past of your countries history and I totally love history. The main reason for why I'm making this is because I wanted to share with you guys a dream that me and oddly enough my English teacher have in common and is to resurface the myths and legends of my birthplace Puerto Rico and make it accessible to the general public, be it local or Foreign.The thing with Puerto Rico is that to me it is that it's people at least to me don't care enough for their art and literature, sure we have an abundance of Music which is a form of art but that is not all we have heck the public schools don't include Art as a class anymore!, you got to go on specialized schools that give the workshops, wouldn't you feel sad if newer generations did not know about the history of where they where born cause nobody even bothered to record them?. Anyways I'm going a bit off topic, what i wanted to share with you guys is a project I'm currently working on for my English Literature class and is to take one of the stories recollected from the book of a local historian of Puerto Rico called Cayetano Coll y Toste and look information regarding that story, Translate it into English and then make a modern version of that story, I chose the story of the most known piratein Puerto Rico called Roberto Cofresí who is considered to be Puerto Ricos version of Robin Hood. I already made the modern version of the story that i chose and will post it here for feedback. if you want to know a bit more about what we are doing you can go on ahead and go to the wikipage that we are working so you can give it a look. I also want to know what you guys think about Folk Literature and if you got any stories of your hometown that you want to share you can go right ahead and share them.

The page our class is working with you can find my work under Cofresí, The pirate:

http://folkliteratur...wikispaces.com/

and here is my modern version of the story I'm Translating:

It’s been 7 years since I have decided to go to sea in search of adventure and treasure, 7 years that I have stared death at the face and laugh. The Americans call me a pirate since I keep attacking their ships. The Spaniards did not care for me at first as long as I just kept attacking non-Spaniard ships, they thought of me as an ace in their sleeve in their fight against the Americans, Spain…. a foreign tyrant that cares not for the well for the country that I see as the place of my birth, a Tyrant that oppresses my people and only cares for itself, they think I am their ace?! I’ll be dammed if I let them think that so I proved them wrong by attacking their ships as well and now I am their_____.

The Americans think that because my attack against the Spaniards they worry about me but I make them think twice as today me and my crew attack a merchant ship from the company based on St. Thomas . My loyal crew eager to fight start to prepare their weapons waiting for their captains orders, and so I do. We approach the merchant ship from the side as they raise their flag as a sign of peace but we in turn wave our black flag as a sign of death, engage the enemy fearlessly, they do not except it but try to defend themselves but they fail miserably as our ship “El Mosquito” as nimble as the annoying insect it is named after dodging cannon fire docks near them before they could load their cannons again. We board their ship and give them a warning to surrender and leave their possessions behind; they preferred to do it the hard way, very admirable but just as foolish. The crew starts to shoot at us with their rifles but they have lousy aim as their bullets only hit the deck of our ship, we on the other hand have the aim of a Guaraguao and hit effortlessly. As the fight progresses we fight decide to save our ammunition and take it close and personal, I ready my axe and start cutting down my foes and paint the deck of their ship red with their blood, then I start to realize that just as they are lousy with their guns they are not much of a threat when fighting in melee combat, I let a smile go on my face cause this fight was over before it even started. As the fight ends my crew starts to load all of the loot to “el mosquito” and sink their ship, this would be our 8^th consecutive attack today. Proud of our victory we decide to go to my home town Cabo Rojo to share the spoils with our people and my crew, the Americans and Spaniards consider me a Demon, my people consider me a Hero but I am neither, I am just a Man who cares for his country and family and would do anything in order to give them what they need.

As we prepare to set sail I stumble upon a mysterious old man covered in tattoos and strange ornaments who is watching me from afar as I approach him out of curiosity he warns me that I would fail today and will die and should turn back. I scoff at the old man and tell him “Turn back? How could I turn back if my people are in need and the tyrants are out there taking advantage of us in our own land?! If I am to lose today then so be it but I will not go down a coward! I will go down as a free man of the sea who fought for his people”, I leave the old man and go to my ship and he calls me an arrogant fool, angry at his insult I turn around to confront him but the old man suddenly vanished, I turn again and leave to my ship with the old man’s warning in mind. The day went well having hijacked a ship from Salinas with no effort at all my men were very confident but I was skeptical that it went so well, as we make another search near “la boca del infierno” for ships we stumble upon what appeared as a stranded merchant ship called “The Grampus” I told my men to be cautious and we approached It in order to take it down little did we know that it was a trap set by the Americans AND the Spaniards in order to take us down, we fired upon them but their weaponry was superior, I am not a coward but I was not going to lead my men into a fight we where outmatched so we retreated to the beach and wait for them at night to take them down us having the advantage of the terrain, we lost a few good men in our retreat and I was injured in the process as well. As night falls my men are tired and have their morale down but I try to assure them that we will get through this, my words go through deaf ears. As I reflect on what has happened I realize that I may have been a bit too arrogant and it is my fault that we are in this situation but I have no regrets and try my best to allow as many of my men to escape, I try to fight as much as I can but my injuries took the best of mea few of my men succeed to escaped others have failed along with me, I am writing this now from the prison I have been sent on San Juan.

Me and my men have been trialed and found guilty for our actions and soon to be executed. I have no hopes getting out of this situation this time but I do not care I did this in order to help my people as the proud Puertorrican that I am. Suddenly the mysterious old man appears before me again and tells me that he admires my tenacity and pride and hate for the tyrants that captured me and assured me that the sea will be with me always and will grant me power even after death. I smile assured of the old man’s words and I am now a man with no regrets cause I will die as have lived a free man of the sea and my enemies will fear me even upon death as I will haunt them should they defile my beloved countries shores.

I re specified this as Chris' blog (my real name) because I have a tendancy to hide in an online persona. Steel is like a jokey take on what I'd be like as an egotist... or if I were in a shonen anime. While I am Steel and that side is a part of my personality I find that labeling myself by my real name lets me feel like I'm speaking truer to my own feelings and ideas. Some people may feel the Batman effect of the mask (online presence) being the true them and their real life name interactions actualy being a fake subdued version. Its only where people cant see your face that you can speak truthfully. I get part of that. I'm diffrent with diffrent people. There is virtualy no one that I'm 100% myself with. We all have darkness inside to an extent or feel the presure of trying to be someone that people hope you are.

My aim with this Blog is too be more honist than I can be with friends or family and as "Steel". If its read or not dosn't really matter. I both like and dislike attention.

I'll get started...

Today I feel strange. I'm suposed to be studying. I flunked out of work as I was suposed to be on standby for the Popes visit. I say flunked... but I just blatantly lied. Normaly I find my work rewarding, but I'm comming off a hard week. This should be my second day at work. I do four on four off. Twelve hour shifts. Its hard going. Last friday was difficult. I loath working the end of the week and weekends due to... well people too be honist. Drunks to be more accurate. I dont do it myself. Brings out the worst in some people and I'm some one who always must feellike I'm in my own driving seat. Not some Asshole under the name of alcohol. I'm day shift right now. 08:00 too 20:00 so that wasn't even the worst of the friday night drinking binges. But its always enought. I'll be honist. Alot of what I see sickens me. People with no pride and laxed morals. It makes me sound uptight but I personaly think that the way alot of people act under the influence is just degrading. I've patched up too many inguries from fights that were pointless. People can be vile.

My manager is very understanding even though we are expected to handle a tough time. I normaly can but it builds in your system and you need a break. Normaly its if you lose someone or something traumatic but with a pretty full compliment of staff we can easily take a day off once in a while. So I traided today to recoup before hitting Friday and saturday. I said it was so I could study further for my Paramedics exam but I'm actualy pretty confidant and still have weeks too go. Getting feelings out will be much more valuble to my health. Alot of staff are intoday so there is more than adiquate cover. I would have been sitting around for most of it anyway. As I mentioned the arival of the Pope ment that more than normal were on duty and with me being less qualified than most i would have been on the sidelines.

I feel quite down in general today. I think coming here is partly to blame. Not in a bad way. Its just introducing yourself makes you think back more. Mainly the "What would you do for someone you Love" thread. Got me thinking more about how strongly I can feel. My one and only love was Fiona. She passed away October last year. Sometimes I feel the loss consume me like some dark sinking pit... but I'm also concerned about how I have recovered. Its strange. In many ways I wish I had been destroyed utterly. I feel like my current existance degrades how much I truly loved her. I know she would have wanted me to be ok and live again, be happy again. I just cant help feeling like its a betrayal of my love that I actualy do have good days. Its not even been a damn year. Why am I ok? I've always been solitary and indipendant. Even with her. It kills me to know I'll never feel her touch and all the millions of things I loved about her. Her flaws her virtues. Every single speck of that women was like a blessing to my life. For as long as it lasted I worshiped every second. So again... why am I ok?

I think there is an answer in my sheer stuborness. I once walked for five hours on a busted up leg with a metal rod threw it. It hurt every step and I was seriously concerned about my life when I saw how much blood I was loosing. People who hear me tell the whole story frequently say that they dont understand how I kept on going, but the only other option was too phone poeple who couldn't posobly have helped, or sit down and die. How is that a choice? No matter the pain you soldier on. You do that because giving up is no option when it gains nothing.

I know that if I am one thing its that I am a survivor. Its something I can override. I'd like to beleave that I'd give my life for someone and I've instinctivly put myself in danger for other people, but I will fight for life always. Hell I cant even take a sleeping tablet without fighting the effects WHEN I GIVE IT TOO MYSELF!

I'm jokingly called the Terminator by my freinds because they have seen that part of me.

I will ALWAYS love Fiona till the day I'm ripped from life but I also know that I'm ok even inspite of the loss of her. I just dont know how too feel about it. Writing helps. For that I thank you. Just knowing that there is a posobility of some other human reading this somehow helps, no matter their reaction.

For now I call it a day...

I will now randomly name random things I randomly see in my room:

1. A red lighter.

2. Samurai Champloo box set.

3. 1 Katana, 1 Wakizashi, 1 Tanto.

4. 5 electric guitars, 1 acoustic guitar.

5. Age Of Empires 3: The Asian Dynasties case.

6. 15 posters with 17 half naked models on them.

7. 2 computer keyboards, 1 keyboard (the musical kind).

8. 2 amplifiers.

9. 1 bottle of sunkist, 2 bottles of water, 1 bottle of lemonade... all are warm besides sunkist and 2 bottles of water have been in my room for over a week I think.

10. a TV.

11. 2 DVD players.

12. A Jack Daniels photo in large frame.

13. A very comfortable bed that looks so awesome right now because it is 2:52AM and I am tired...

14. The same bed that needs to be made.

15. 1 screwdriver.

16. A fair amount of rubbish which needs to be thrown out.

17. A fan on my ceiling.

18. An Iron Maiden poster.

Random things I cannot see unless I open my cupboard/closet:

1. Countless DVDs, including Guyver, Death Note, Ninja Scroll, Spirited Away, Castle Of Cagliostro & Afro Samurai.

2. Over 60 bottles of alcohol which no longer have alcohol in them because I drank them (mostly made up of 700ml bottles of whiskey and such).

3. My wallet.

4. My old phone.

5. A pen or few.

6. Clothes.

7. Bag

8. Weights.

9. Posters.

10. Nunchucks.

11. Countless CDs which are in those large round plastic cases... an estimated 20+ terabytes on all of them... (possibly an exaggeration).

12. Magazines.

13. The random clothes my girlfriend leaves behind (mainly panties and such).

14. 1 empty box of condoms and 1 full of bus tickets (don't ask... )

15. My 'Responsible Service of Alcohol' certificate.

16. Guyver OVA episodes 1-12 on 3 or 4 VHS tapes... also Dark Hero somewhere amongst them (no originals).

17. School books from this year, my final year of high school, which I am keeping instead of throwing out for once.

18. Over 100 bus tickets (once again, don't ask).

That is all for now.