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ErutanXiku

Angelic-based WIP

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After much toil over the past few weeks and random spurts of inspiration, I've managed to complete the first chapter of my Angelic-based WIP! I first came up with this in 2006 and back then it went under a pretty crappy title that I do not wish to repeat...the current title, Lament of the Fallen is the "In-Working" title. I hate that it sounds so uninspired, but of all things, this story is the one I can't think up a decent title for...I'm hoping that once I figure out the way it's going, something will strike.

For now, I'd be appreciative of some feedback (if any) on what I've done thus far:

Chapter 00 - Prologue: http://www.mediafire.com/?jevkncmzjaczbn7

Chapter 01 - http://www.mediafire.com/?w9qlb127897y2zq

The Prologue is largley setting the scene; establishing the version of Lucifer's Fall from Grace I'm going with...Oh yeah, it's another one of those 'Devil-based' stories (I can feel the eyes rolling). I hope that my story is different though - it's not based on one myth since there are so many takes on what happened and who played/plays what role, so yeah, I'm going to admit it now...my story takes elements that I deem appropriate. Often, a character's role will be based on the most prolific account, other times their role will be based on what I find more interesting to explore.

Chapter 01 was a pain to write. The version used is 3.2 since at first, I wanted to maintain ambiguity and didn't name either of the two characters. However, it got tedious trying to find ways to differentiate the two and so I decided to reveal their names, hopefully they won't throw you off too much and you can figure out why I chose certain names. There are two previous versions of Chapter 01 written from different perspectives, but I didn't like either of them and so just let this one pretty much write itself rather than forcing the setting. I hope it came out okay...a part of me still isn't satisfied and I hope someone may be able to pick something out for me to expand upon.

As for my plans regarding this story, I'm not sure what I'm doing...I just know that it's something I want to write. The ideas are there, it's just joining them up that poses the problem as well as deciding between a choice of routes to get to the ending. I know one thing though, this isn't going to be a long story that spans 50+ Chapters...probably 20-30 at most, maybe less. I don't know, I'm not restricting myself, but I know this isn't going to be a tale of 'epic' proportions.

Because of how unorganised my thoughts are on this, I sometimes wonder if this story is worth letting go. I don't want to crap it up - if it's something, I want to be able to give anything I work on the proper care and thought it deserves. I say this because I'm in two minds regarding some of the laws for this story I've set in place and how they apply to Lucifer...it's something I'm going to have to think on, though it would probably go better if I had someone to bounce ideas off of *hint hint*

Edited by ErutanXiku

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Just finished reading them. I find them quiet enjoyable and well writen. I shall do my best to force you to continue!

I like the sort of official feel to the launguage you used in the prolog. Its felt very much like a reading from the bible or religious text. It was only one word I felt that read somewhat out of place... Siblings. I feel it would read better as Brothers (or Brothers and Sisters) although I cant explain exactly why I feel that way. I think it sounds a bit modern although I couldn't tell you if siblings is written in the bible or not.

As for Chapter 1, I found myself having to read a few paragraphs over once or twice but I feel this is my Dyslexia rather than your sentance structure. I tend to read things and find that they dont go into my head right. So I always find difficulty in offering any advice or critisizm on gramar and structure.

Story wise I definatly liked it. I do find the concept of Lucifer being stranded on earth in a sort of purgatory to be intreaging and I like the idea of of the branding and light. I can't see a way that it could be improved I think you pulled it off exelently.

The only thing I'm unsure of is the time period. Is this the present? because I'm picturing him in a contry house... maybe late 1800s to early 1900s but I dont know why as there is no mention of anything that spesific or anything that would sugest when this takes place.

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You read them?! Thank you! I was really nervous about it, thinking that I had royally screwed up my ramblings masquerading as Original Fiction and you had caught me out :lol:

Thank you for your review :) Now, let's see...

You're right, "Siblings" does seem out of place...would it sound better if I cut that out altogether and left it as "...for they were all Children of God..." or replaced it with "Brethren"? Though, I think I want something to differentiate Lucifer's feelings for his fellow Angels, which is probably why I had "Siblings" - he holds them in higher regard to God's other creations, because he sees them as his equals since they were created for the same purpose. He doesn't hate God's other creations, but doesn't see them as equals or superior to his being...just other Children of God.

Chapter 01 may have a few kinks in that I overlooked, because of the previous format when I wanted to keep their identities hidden. Which paragraphs did you have trouble with and I'll take a look and see if I missed anything...if you feel it doesn't flow right, then let me know. It's probably something I'll easily overlook because I've been going over it so much, that I can pick out the intention of the paragraph and thus have become immune to its wording.

As for when it takes place, that was left intentionally open. It's an event that happens before the "main" story/relevant part, just to establish a few things, so I didn't think it was important to go that deep into it. That's also part of the reason why there's a lack of any real description at this point. Though if I were to say what period I was thinking of when writing it, you're about right :)

A few things I'm not sure about:

At this point, some say he bowed with them, seething within, while others claim that furious with how God had so easily set him aside to make way for Man, he refused to bow before any Child of Clay, for in essence he was Light and will always be superior, and thus rebelled. - I don't like how long this line is and I can't think of a way to break it up...it flows alright, but I don't like it's length and there are far too many comma's. I may also give the last paragraph in Chapter 01 a closer look...again, long sentence.

A part of me feels that the pace of Chapter 01 seems a little fast...does it feel that way? I would try to slow it down a bit, but I'm not sure how because I don't want it to go on longer than it has to. Also, I'm not sure how to give it that slightly slower pace...if it needs it.

I'm also unsure about listing the names of a few of the Angels at the beginning of the Prologue...then again, I don't think it matters all that much as I think the purpose of the Prologue and the main story is apparent? They're meant to contradict each other...

Does it seem odd/weird that I'm not referring to the Angels by their real names?

The next update won't be Chapter 02...I'm currently going over my Rules - this won't impact the two Chapters that I already put up since they cover the main points, and my revisions to the Rules apply to the flow and direction of the main story. So, I'll probably put the Rules up as well as some sample scenarios for the story. As I've said, this is where I have the most trouble and it's all down to one character...

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If you alter it to Children of God I think that would liken them to man a bit too much. Lucifer may feel superior to the other angels but he also feels them vastly superior to man. I dont feel that brethren makes it sound like they are his equil just his fellow beings.

Listing the Angel's names and tasks is really up to you. Any reserch I've done on them has been very subjective and vague. Diffrent names for diffrent versions of the texts and branches of religeon. Lucifer, Michael and Gabriel are about the only main stays the names of the others can vary, while there are many names thoughout sometimes they conflict. Remiel and Uriel are sometimes the same angel for example. Its really up to you. Personaly I like it.

I dont think the pacing of Chapter 1 is at fault. You cant really draw it out much more unless it was to give more discriptions of things, and thats not relly nessisary. While it feels short it acts sort of like a second opener. I couldn't say what part it was I was stuck on I'd honistly blame myself rather than your wording. I do the same with all books. I take it in better read to me than reading myself.

Not refering to them by their actual name is a little odd. Although I figured it out almost right away and didn't really have much trouble with it. Perhaps its a bit odd without justification as to why Lucifer would ever take another name. I'm guessing its irony or spite? Tobias basicly means "God is Good" pretty odd choice.

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If you alter it to Children of God I think that would liken them to man a bit too much. Lucifer may feel superior to the other angels but he also feels them vastly superior to man. I dont feel that brethren makes it sound like they are his equil just his fellow beings.

This is true...how does the following sound to replace that entire sentence (new bit in bold):

Among the Angels, one was the most beloved, Lucifer. Created as a good and pure Angel, he was bestowed with beauty, power and intelligence; the Child of Light. As God loved him, so too did he love God, the Father and Creator of all that exists. Despite this favour, he held his brethren in high esteem and considered them equals, for they all shared the same purpose – to serve and love their Father. He was even said to have held arms with the mighty Archangels – with Raphael as his closest. All was well in Heaven, as it should be; peace reigned over the majestic kingdom.

Regarding the listing of some of the Angels at the beginning of the Prologue, you're right about that as well...it does add to the "Ancient Text" feel, and I picked those out in a hierarchical order of sorts.

As for the choice of "Tobias" that's exactly the reason why I picked it, so yeah...irony/spite :) I don't think he'd want other people to call him by his real name, unless he allowed it. Also, since he's not on good terms with God, he'd use something that he would find funny, considering the Devil is supposed to (I think in some legends) appear as a friend/wolf in sheep's clothing. None of the Angels go by their real names; they've all chosen something fitting, for example "Brennan" isn't his real name, but it's what he chose to support his "new life"/stance on his Sin. It's a shame that they don't have an extensive list anywhere. Another reason is that I've decided that I won't be making up any Angelic names for otherwise unnamed Fallen. I wouldn't know where to begin, and I'm not particularly fond of the idea of just sticking '-iel/-ael' at the end.

Edited by ErutanXiku

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This seems to give a list of plenty names and structure. Cant say how accurate any of it is, but its all fiction so dosn't really matter that much.

http://www.angel-guide.com/hierarchy-angels.html

Its all mass speculation at this point. There's even an argument about whether Lucifer was a Cherub or Seraphim. Newer scripts list him as Seraph but older ones as a Cherub. I tend to side with the thought that they are the same being just diffrent rank. Therefor Lucifer rose from Cherub to Seraphim as he gained gods favor. Archangels however are a diffrent creature. More millitant and powerful.

Oh and that alteration to the line seems just right too me. Stick with that.

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Oh yeah...I know that argument...Lucifer, Seraph or Cherub? I decided something along the lines of what you're suggesting, in that he worked his way up...but not quite. I haven't segregated the Angels so much, but the idea is that an Archangel is like a Lord. They have the highest Power Level and are the strongest, since they're the ones in contact with God more. The entire Host of Heaven is battle ready; they will fight when the need arises, but otherwise they carry out their regular duties according to their Dominion like Healing; Nature; Death...etc.

I guess I'm finding working the "Sphere/Choir" system a little mind-boggling, but I'll see how it goes. These are all just preliminary ideas and I haven't really had a lot of time to think on it deeply over the years, but I guess I've made Lucifer of Archangel status, but not really - he's strong enough to be one, but he isn't. Which is kind of weird when you think about it, since if he was once considered God's favourite (according to a source I read) why wasn't he of Archangel/Seraph status? Naturally, one may assume that to be God's favourite he has to be proud of you for something...

Thanks for the link by the way :) Odd, I never came across it while doing my research and most of the Angels on there I didn't even know about. Sofiel pique's my interest, since she doubles as a Nature Angel and also is associated with Death. Kind of makes me wonder who to choose between her and Sariel.

However, I think I chose Sariel due to his being identified with the Islamic Angel of Death, Azrael. Also there was his story on doing what would have caused other Angels to Fall from Grace - fancying himself a Human wife and teaching people about the Moon. Since, quite possibly, Sariel and Azrael are the same Angel, just different takes, I guess I could throw in Sofiel...but I kind of liked the idea of Azrael being the "Head of Department" and Sariel his new "Assistant Manager". Perhaps Sofiel could be the new kid, since after the War there was a shortage and Angels often had to overlap their roles or something :lol:

It's odd working on something that I had so clearly in my mind 5 years ago, and now I'm looking back and making the changes I didn't know how to make back then. It's a weird feeling, like a time capsule :/

Right, I think I'm almost done with my Rules, so I'll put it up for scrutiny by late tomorrow or on the weekend. Looking at it, there seems to be a bit of "Official" language, almost like it's a Legal Document, since I have to make even the finest detail clear as there's so much room for error and contradiction...

I hate over-thinking things...makes me feel crazy.

Edited by ErutanXiku

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