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Steel

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The snow was really heavy up here the past few weeks. Its only just cleared now... just in time for another weather warning. Its these things that I'm always well prepared for, with plenty of survival suplies for most situations. I was technicaly snowed in for two weeks, but I managed to get too work for two of my four shifts a week thanks to hitching a lift with one of the nurses who stays a few streets away just off the main road... which always gets first attention by the gritters and plows.

In my area there are alot of retired people so I spent most of my time trying to make sure they were ok. I'd normaly do a hike up too the closest supermarket (only about a mile.. but in about two feet of snow) to get them some shopping. Ended up going every few days too keep them all suplied. Felt good though.

However I ended up getting carried away shovling the stuff and ended up straining my back that put me out of action for a good few days. It still hurts a bit now. Really stupid, just twisted the wrong way and I know better than that.

Anyway I'm on the mend and things are back to normal for now. Got alot of stuff done around the house that I've been meaning to do for ages. Even put up christmas decorations even though I wasn't in the mood. Always told my self I wouldn't bother. Werid.

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Was a whole bunch of christmas cards in my pigeon hole at work. Dont get me wrong I sort of get it... but I never really send out cards. I'll buy gifts, write letters but cards just seem a bit of a waist. Yeah I'll buy a couple and send them to distant relitives but thats it. Its not like I wont wish people a merry christmas in person, but I dont really get the "Take a list of everyone at work and write a whole bunch of cheap cards" thing. Seems an insane waist of money and time. Yes its the thought that counts but lets face it if you are writing loads of them the only thing personal is the name your writing. All else is just the standard greeting and who its from.

Got the Christmas party tomorrow... I hate those things. Not a party person at all. Dont drink, dont like generic music and there is almost ALWAYS trouble. Trust me doctors, nurses, medics whatever... they can be some of the worst drunks due too the stress. I really want to just not go but its going to be hard sneaking away without being noticed as I'm covering a half shift.

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Wow christmas time is a seriously depressing time to be working for the Emergancy medical service. Been real busy the past three weeks or so. I pulled alot of extra shifts too help people out. I have two whole weeks of days off that people owe me now. Still it working through Christmas wasn't as big a sacrifice for me as it was for alot of the other guys with familys and stuff. Some of it felt good... some was rather horrid, but I hope that is the worst of it over now. I did the best I could, I just have too settle for that and move on.

Bought myself some master grade gundam kits that I've been building on my days off. I've mainly been off weekdays so everyone I know is working. Building a kit a week has kept me occupied. I just sit infront of the tv and work on them slowly. Stops my brain from going nuts.

Got a few more ordered. Want too build myself a Zaku army.

After trying to escape the christmas night out I ended up failing and got dragged along for a few hours before I slipped away. Wasn't too bad thankfully although filled with the usual empty promisis by drunken colleges. I seem strangly popular for someone who is so antisocial. Perhaps its the mysterious thing thats working for me. As suspected though people dont seem to understand me wanting to be alone. One of the guys there kept trying to set me up with a whole bunch of the nurses one after the other. He just dosn't get it. Ah well dosn't matter.

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I think I had my first controled Out of Body Expirience the other night. Been trying to focus on some of the Astral Projection training that I've picked up from various websites. It's all entairly Ryuki's fault ;).

The more I read the more I encountered people who had expirienced similar phenomenon themselves. Seeing strange apparitions, sleep paralysis and so forth all seemed to pop up regularly. Aparently the key lies in reaching a certain level just before sleep but maintaining consciousness. So it turns out I've sort of already been doing that for quite alot of my life. The more I thought of it the more I could track me reaching states like that even as a kid. My problem is not accepting it or fighting it.

I wasn't really trying to Astral project the other night but I realised what was happening and managed to concentrait. It was then that the odd paralysis came over me and the weird feeling of something there hit me. At first I felt fear. It was far harder than I thought it would be too shake that. It sort of felt like the world had become monocrome, like the colour had slipped out and it was cold. I tried raising myself but kept falling back into my body. Instead of fighting it like I normaly would I tried too still my mind, then just seemed to roll out of my bed. I stood up and felt a strange clamping on my foot. I looked down too see some sort of red fuzzy/blurry shape about the size of a terrier on my ankle. For some reason I called it a badger, even though it was smaller in shape and bright red. It wasn't painful but it was just a strange pressure clamping down.

I looked down too the end of my bedroom too see three faces all sort of conjoined. I've seen them before when I was younger. They are masculin but with long sort of wavy hair. They remind me of greek sculpures. Like those fountains that spit water. They just seem to be made of shadow but for some reason I can perceive deapth and features to them. They feel sort of malevolent. I've been scared anytime I've seen them before.

I felt a strange pressure on my shoulders, like something forcing me into the floor like it was sand. I looked back at the faces and pulled myself together, they melted away into the wall. Then I felt warmth and a strange golden glow behind me before I fell backwards onto my bed.

Woke up, seemed like only minutes since I looked at the clock when I was going too sleep. I was under the covers, everything looked normal again.

Truly a weird expirience.

I'm still having a hard time justifying it in my head. I dont know if it was a dream I was controling or my mind just playing crazy tricks on me. I tried again the past few nights but maybe I'm trying too hard.

Really dont know what the "badger" was. Never had a pet apart from a few fish and a gecko. The old guy who owned the house before also didn't have pets and he had it since it was built.

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something like that reminds me of a 'familiar'.

you know like a witches cat.

it's there to protect and guide you.

so if it was around your ankle weighing you down, it was keeping you anchored for the moment.

I would suggest trying to build a rapport with your badger.

by the way red is the colour of the lower chakras concerned with instinct and protection.

actually I'm interested that it wasn't black as that is the lowest and most protective.

as it was red I think it means you don't need as much protection or restraint.

I enjoyed reading your experience.

to be honest I had forgotten about that.

but I remember recommending those sites now.

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From what I've read over the past few days it should become easier the more I practice. Couldn't really find anything about the three faces, Badger or the Golden glow. You may be right, I've heard people mentioning animal guides as well so maybe Badger is something like that. None of the apperitions felt like part of me. If anything I was colourless. A sort of silvery white glow about me but thats all.

It's certainly intresting and something I'm going to try and explore more even if I dont understand what's going on.

I should really get in contact with an old friend of mine who is really into that sort of thing. He used too tell me that I needed too sit on the earth alot more. I aparently have a chakra blockage in my heart, but I payed it no heed as I didn't really beleive in such things.

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Well after alot more practice I think it happened at least twice more. The first was short, I was tired its was half way through my four shifts and I was physicaly shattered. I kept waking up feeling like I was somewhere else, not in my bed. Sort of like waking up to find that you fell asleep on the couch (which oddly never happens). Anyway after aboutthe fifth time of slipping in and out of sleep I got an odd sinking feeling, that then sort of reversed and I felt a bit weightless. Everytime I enter this state i notice a strange lack of colour. Nearly everything goes grey save for a very few things. The only place I felt some weight was on my chest. I looked down and saw "Badger" on me. At first it was formless just like a hazy red glow. The more I looked at it the more solid I became. Now at this point I'm not sure if I was just forming it in my mind or something because it started to get a shape and actualy look like an animal. It was a rough outline at first then more detailed as I kept looking at it. At the time I thought it odd that it didn't look all that much like a badger. More like it had the head of a weesel. More like a wolverine to be honist. It was only later that I googled badgers too see that it was more like a honey badger. Anyway it was looking right at me and was larger than last time almost covering my whole chest. It had a strangly blank expression. I simply said "hello" then everything started to vibrate, and for some reason I threw my hand up and banged it into the wall. The pain seemed to bring me out of it and everything looked normal again.

The second time was just last night. I remember trying to project myself but all I was getting was visuals of Edinburgh, the streets, people, usualy connected by some sort of violent act like shouting or fighting. It reminded me of that scene from Unbreakable where Bruce Willis is in the trainstation and starts having flashes of people's ill deeds. In fact now I think of it I do remember that being in the same sort of grayscale with one or two splashes of colour. I could hear talking, a woman's voice. I was back in my bed but everything was strange again. I could see the woman sitting in the chair I have next too my wardrobe. She looked to be in her early twenties and dressed in a goth manner but not overly so. I think the lack of colour was adding too it. She looked strangly happy and was talking away but I cant for the life of me remember what she was saying. I had a weird tingly feeling in my right arm and when I looked at it I could see Badger around it, but not formed into anything. Like a weird red glowing bracer. I got up and walked out into the hall before going upstairs. At this point Badger was the only thing with any colour. I went too the big windows in the loft room and looked out over the city (I stay on the top of a big hill). Things were foggy outside (but they were that anyway yesterday) but the streetlights weren't orange anymore, they were just white. Everything was quiet, so much so that you get that buzzing quiet. The woman had followed me and put her hand on my shoulder. I'm sure her name was Lilah as thats what popped into my head. She said some more things I cant remember and touched my fourhead. Things started to vibrate again and I felt a strange sinking feeling. It was at this point that I rolled out of bed and hit the floor, and everything was normal.

Over all it was another very strange expirience. I still dont know if I'm just entering some trippy dream state that I'm partly controling as I still find the concept of leaving my body to be a little hard too swallow... but even saying that its still happening even when I'm skeptical so beleaf dosn't seem to effect it.

Lilah seems very fimiliar though, again I cant place if its because maybe I've seen her before as an actual person or if she is an imiginary creation. Wish I could recall what she was saying. She seemed strangly happy and comforting.

Another odd thing was that my arm tingled all day. Like a more plesant version of hitting your funnybone.

Again very strange expiriences. I swear if this goes wrong I'm going too haunt you Ryuki ;)

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LOL, what makes you think I would let you? ;)

sounds interesting.

well badger seems to be protecting you anyway.

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If badger is what he looks like then a Ratel (Honey Badger) is one of the most crazy animals of all time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c81bcjyfn6U

Past few days I've had nothing happen. I'm probubly trying too hard.

Got a new Ipod touch to replace my old ipod classic. Still not used too it yet so I've been still carrying the old one about. I just find touch screens weird. I could navigate the classic's menus without looking at what I was doing, but that dosn't work with a touchscreen where there is nothing too feel. It is an impressive bit of kit though. I'm playing Infinity Blade, which has awesome graphics for something on a platform like that. Its got a nice action where you control the swing of your blade with a swipe of your finger. Its a nice way to burn some time when I'm waiting for something, or just bored.

Also got my first S.H.figuarts yesterday. Kamen Rider W Cyclone/Joker. Was going to get the Fang Joker instead but I think the default look is nice. I am impressed. I think W's design comes off well in the line. I had stayed away from previous figures because they looked a bit too acurate to the dude in a cheap suit look. I prefer them more detailed and stylised like the SIC line. W's suit looked better though due too the sort of ridged scale or plate look of the suit. I'm tempted by more but not 100% converted. I think I'll stick just too the odd ones I like the look off. Gills looks nice though. Always wanted a SIC figure of him too compleat my Agito set. He might be a nice one too tide me over.

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I'm finding my days off are passing really quickly at the moment. I feel like its because I'm not being productive with my time. The last two weeks especialy. Right now I'm doing four working shifts and only getting three days off instead of the standard four on four off. When I get finished all I feel like I dont want to do anything at all.

I suffer from Eczema and my skin is irritated by the cold weather. That and dairy produce. Its much more managable than alot of people, but I get it in the joints of my legs and arms. It usualy takes a day too die down after I've been outside alot (which is basicly all the time with my job) In the summer it dosn't bother me. The sun is a great healer for my skin, that and sea water.

Again it has me question why I'm living in edinburgh again. I could make my life a whole lot easier if I moved to a warmer climate.

Anyway I want too set myself some goals. I want at least one day a week to be dedicated to a creative outlet. Writing, painting or drawing, something that I enjoy doing but is giving me something at the end. I would have loved a career in any of those aspects but never got the push I wanted as a kid so didn't develop those skills. Its never too late though. Even if it dosn't gain me money it still gives me pleasure and the more practice the better I'll become.

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Got news the other day that a friend of mine had died on the 4th. He was an online freind so its strange. I first got talking with him back in 2003. He was always friendly and had a good humour about everything. Never failed to make me smile. We used to have a good banter going, we were leaders of oposing teams in an online game. It never got serious but we would tease each other endlessly, much to the amusement of everyone else. Even with my sporadic apearences in later years he'd still be one of the first to welcome me back. I'm going too miss him. My best wishes go out to his wife and children. The kids are far too young to loose a father. I wish I had met him in person.

Got a letter this morning. Its a summons to be a witniss at a tribunal on behalf of a friend. Wish he'd told me. Now I have to get next friday off at short notice. Plus I really dont know what he expects from me. Its something too do with his old work but I dont know much about it so I dont know what this is about. All I can do is be honist. He cant expect any more.

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I've got the spending bug. Right now it seems really hard to resist blowing my wage as soon as I get it. Normaly I'm quite good at saving, but I keep seeing things I want at the moment. I also made the mistake of buying a new bookself. So I have this urge too fill it up. Maybe I should break my internet connection for a few days till I can build up the will power again. Its far too tempting when its so easy too buy stuff online.

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I had one of the inevitable Bad Weeks at work. Really knocked me for six. I tried to fight through it but my boss gave me a week off as he could obviously see how much it was getting too me. Thankfuly I seem to be well liked by all the other guys I work with and they all owe me about three weeks off in total for all the shifts I've covered for them.

I mainly just sat around, watched some Tv and films, played some games, but I found it hard to read anything or do things that took a clear head. Too disturbed and distracted.

We are always told that by the time we are called then the worst has already happened. Just do your best and try not to make it personal. I always have a problem with the last part. I know I do my best, but I just wish I could do more. It a horrid feeling to see that no matter what you do its not going to be enough.

I'm kind of past it now. In the way of its effect on me at least. The past week at work has been better. I feel like it will always linger with me as the worst week I've had here but I've made my peace with it.

I almost crused right through valentines day without noticing. I did however get three cards and a box of chocolets from the nurses. Two of them are just light hearted but I think one of them is a bit more serious. I try not to lead anyone on. I'm not looking for a relationship and I've never settled for anything less than one. So its kind of hard. Perhaps I need to be more vocal in my personal situation. She's a really nice girl but I dont want her to pin any hopes on me comming around. I dont want to.

After going almost a whole month without any sucsess with the atral projecting thing I managed it last night. This time there was more colour to everything. Dulled but definatly not the greyscale look from before. Although it felt like it was there all the time but I'd just not noticed that the grey was slightly coloured... if that makes any sence. I didn't see badger, or feel him latched onto me, but Lilah was there again. I could actualy hear her voice, or remember it. Before it was like her talking but I coudln't remember what she said or what she sounded like. Its weird, she looks and sounds so fimiliar but I cant place where its from. She reminds me of Death from the Sandman comics. Which is all kinds of weird.

She took my hand and lead he out into the hallway and up the stairs, but strangly they went right out onto the roof of the house. We looked out over the city. It was shouded in orange gloom. I dont remember being able to see the stars or moon in the sky but it was misty and dark. Lilah turned to me and asked "What do you want out of this?" which confused me. I dont really know. I think she was refering to why do I try and atral project, although maybe it was what do I want out of life... not sure. Anyway it was then that I felt warmth behind me the golden glow started to shimmer. I felt two arms wrap around me. It wasn't till then that I realised I had felt cold all that time. Now I could swear that it was exactly the same way Fiona used to hug me from behind, I'm sure I could feel her pressed against my back. I started to float up off the roof sevoral feet up. The gold glow felt like wings... then I felt a pain in my head and dropped like a stone. I woke up in bed, I'd aparently been crying.

Again very strange but not unplesant expirience. I still find it hard to get my head around the very idea of my soul going for wacky adventures outside my body. Part of me is still saying that its just a controled dream state. I dont know who or what Lilah is but she makes a good point. I dont know why I'm doing it. What do I want out of this expirience. There is somthing out there that I feel I have to do. I cant place what it is. I have to work out how to do it more reliably. I think I need to work on my meditation. My head hasn't been clear in a long time.

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do you think Lilah could be a manifestation of your feminine energy?

I got a tip for you.

visit your library and find the librarian.

if you have trouble finding it, follow these directions.

find yourself outside. find the lane. see the fields each side. follow the lane as it narrows. at the end find the gate, go through onto the field. take in the surroundings, all the flowers and beauty. the light breeze.

find the bridge over the clear stream. look in the stream and search for fish. look ahead down the field and find the cottage.

look for the gate. open the gate and enter the garden.

notice the flowers and the wildlife, the birds, the bees. look for the black door into the cottage.

walk inside and find the long corridor. don't pay attention to the staircase, instead follow the doors, each of them with a coloured panel on it. find the door with the gold panel on it labelled "library" enter inside and find the librarian.

ask him anything you want.

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Hmm thats an intresting theory on what Lilah might be. Never considered that. Better than thinking she's Death at least :smile:

I tried to do the Library thing but I got stuck in the feild. Might get a relaxation tape (not an actual tape as I have no way of playing one of those anymore) to help clear my head. Too many things are just popping in their and distracting me.

You ever tried anything like this yourself?

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I've just read through your entire blog and I feel it's refreshing to see someone so honest. You're certainly a much better person than I am; I wish I could be a fraction as good. I'm not a bad person...I think the closest match to who I am is like Deb from Drop Dead Diva - I've never broken the law, but have never gone out of my way to help people who really need it, unless they have some personal connection to me. I don't want to make excuses as to why I'm like this, but perhaps the over-protection my mother has for me has instilled some kind of inner fear of putting myself on the line for others.

You see, I'm the only living daughter she has - I have two younger brothers. I had a sister who was 4 years older than me and she passed away in her sleep when she was 6 - she was born disabled and brain damaged. The cause is unclear, my aunt (who was a nurse) theorises it was the doctor's fault for not monitoring her because apparently she was born healthy and had good responses, my theory is that she was unlucky due to genetics - my parents are first cousins (an arranged marriage that's a complicated story in itself) and I know that marrying immediate relatives like that increases the likelihood of unwanted mutations. But anyway, since I'm the only daughter she has, she's always reminding me to be careful and wary of other people - it's annoying but endearing, though I can't help but feel it's affected me deeper somehow. Especially since there was this one time two years ago, I was on the bus home from work and I looked out - a kid who had gotten off the bus was getting beaten (kicked and punched) by a group of 3 or 4 others who had followed him off. I knew this was bad, I took out my phone and punched in 999 but I froze and didn't know what to do - I was scared of what would happen if one of them happened to look up and notice me.

No-one else on the bus did anything, some who were foreign were even treating it like a tourist attraction...I have pretty good morals, and I always thought that if I saw something unjust I would do something to help stop it, after all as a kid I never hesitated to defend my friends or my brothers, but since then it's shaken me a little and I don't really know what kind of person I am anymore when it comes to situations like that. I would hope, that if I happen to witness something like again, I would do something to stop it, regardless...but then it sort of feels like I'm just doing it to make up for my lack of action that time; easing my conscience and making up for it...

You probably don't want to hear this, but I'm sorry about your loss...as Ryuki said, some people feel survivor's guilt when a loved one dies too early. Having lost my sister at a young age and all of my grandparents, I don't really know what I should feel. I don't really miss them because I never spent much time with them, but I do mourn the loss of getting to know them. With my sister, I mourn the life she never had, but I'm happy she got peace - I don't know whether she felt she was suffering, but since you read my Dream post, I shall say it here - the girl who came to tell me that "I may not have friends, but people still care for me anyway," was my sister - it was good to see her walking and talking, but it was strange because she never got to do those things in life and I was only 2 when she passed - while it's comforting to think like that, I can't help but wonder if she was the form my subconscious chose to give me that message. I often think that my subconscious has its own personality and awareness - not like a split personality, but like a companion...after all, it governs and runs my body, so it should be aware of things that my conscious self isn't aware of...

With the heavy part out of the way, let's address the rest of your postings...You were on standby for the Pope's visit? When you said that, I thought you'd be around my parts since the Pope was due to visit St. Mary's University on the 17th, but as you mentioned later on that you're in Edinburgh...I can't remember if he visited up north, but he was to tour the country so yeah...

I've also developed a bit of a spending bug...I've got an attraction to figurines and am planning on getting the Bishoujo line of DC/Marvel heroines...they're just so beautifully sculpted. I also have an obsession with Saber Lily from the Fate/Unlimited Codes game and have bought both Distant Avalon and Golden Caliburn, as well as bought the VOLKS Dollfie Dream - I was lucky to come across her and win my lottery entry, as I discovered her existence one day before the end of the Event...I sometimes think I have lost my mind...I think this obsession with her is an admiration as she is everything I'm not, in personality and morals...

As for Astral Projection, your adventures are very interesting. When you mentioned "Badger", interestingly the form I imagined was of the Honey Badger before I even looked at that video - I know what Badgers look like (I did watch Animal of Farthing Wood as a child XD) but that was the form I saw. Also, I find it interesting that "Badger" taking the form of the Honey Badger complements you - reading your posts on how you'd do anything to survive, is just like how tenacious the Honey Badger is. Sometimes, I have wondered that Familiars/Animal Guides take the form of your "true self"/the shape of your qualities and spirit represented by an Animal Avatar - so it's not surprising that "Badger" looks that way.

I can't theorise on Lilah, though it seems like Ryuki has a good idea :) As an aside, I too have a relaxed heartbeat - I was born with an irregular heartbeat that I have since grown out of, but I think that there are times where my heart misses a beat...I attended a few St. John's classes with my mum and looking for my pulse was a little difficult, and when they found it the heartbeat was a little hard to keep count on. Also, I once had blood taken for a test and the nurse couldn't find a vein on my left arm, but saw a nice one on my right - she stuck the needle there and blood flowed for a while then stopped...She then went back to looking for one in my left and after a little manoeuvering she managed to get enough for her sample.

I can also sense electricity in the house, usually when its quiet and I know when something's on. I can also act like an TV Antenna of sorts...when I unplug the Antenna from the TV and stick my finger in, you can get a faint image of what's on the TV and it gets stronger when I stick my other finger to the Antenna. Also, if a TV signal is already weak, I interfere with the signal making it worse...but I think this happens normally for some people due to the bio-electricity we produce. That said though, I have also experimented in controlling bodily functions like heat regulation. Due to my obsession with DBZ, I was determined to create a manifestation of Ki and theorised that if I could channel my natural heat energy to a certain point, something would happen. I concentrated really hard and nothing happened, however I had a pretty high body temperature for some years since I didn't feel as cold as everyone else during Winter and hotter than usual during the Summer, and only recently have I begun to feel the cold and not as hot, which probably means the effects wore off or my experiments in trying to regulate my body temperature during that time worked and everything's evened out :doubt: I don't know, I feel crazy talking about it...

Sorry for the long post, but after reading the entirety of your blog, I had a lot to comment on and share :redface:

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Wow thank you for taking the time to read all my rambling and for that post. I do apriciate it.

To start with please dont think I'm a better person that you. Its entairly subjective. All that matters is the will to be a good person. I'm not the way I am without the journy it took to get here. I'm not without my missjudgements and regrets ether.

I can empathize with what you are saying about the loss of your sister and grandparents. I lost an uncle when I was young and I find myself missing not actualy getting to know him more than the actual loss. I think we form versions of people in our heads. Its perhaps how your sister could walk and talk to you in your dream. You keep her alive in your imagining of her.

It took me many years to work things out. I can only realy voice what I have come to think and understand from my own viewpoint... but the way I see it is most of us are born with out genetics, which dictate some of our personality traits. I'll explain my roughly who I am through my history but please feel free to gloss over it.. I'm sure it will end up being a stupidly long way of making my point. Also I'm never sure if I've mentioned something before.

Ok so as I was saying about how we are born with stuff. true too form my main one would be stubourness. At birth I was very ill. Premature and I had pneumonia. I was taken to away as soon as I was born and put in a incubation chamber. They didn't hold out much hope and even said to my dad that if I survived I'd be fighter. Unfortunatly I medicly died sevoral times, resulting in braindamage that takes the form of something similar to dyslexia and other learning disabilitys. But I pulled through and although my parents thought I was badly mentaly damaged I aparently used to mess with them even at that age. I'd never do what they tried to get me to do. When my mom used to try and get me to do a jigsaw to see if my intelligence was damaged then I'd sit there and drool. Then later they found me doing the jigsaw with the peices upside down. Not going by the picture but just the shapes. My Dad always tells me of how I'd never back down too him when he used to try and train me to do things (seriously I think he tried to train me like you would a dog... he's weird that way).

Generaly I was aparently a happy kid... if maybe a bit of a nightmare when they wanted to control me. Wasn't till school that I developed massive insecuritys. Because my mental disabilitys wern't diagnosed (till I was in my freaking twentys) the teachers thought I was stupid and lazy. One was a perticularly nasty woman and used to drag me around by my ear and shout at me about how stupid I was in front of everyone. One time she made me stand in the corner till I wet myself. This was not a good start and lets face it, kids arnt the most sympathetic bunch. Wasn't long before I was bullied by virtualy everyone. Along with my lack of attention span and problems with reading, writing and numbers came climbsyness. I was seriously unco-ordinated. Used to trip over things all the time and was useless at sports. So my dad's idea was to put me in karate class. He's a former Ju-jutsu champion himself. Naturaly I was crap at it... used to get beaten up on a weekly basis and it took me far longer to learn than anyone else. I used to cry every time I had to go but my Dad is stubourn too and belived it was the right thing for me.

Now he was also attached to the forces. So I had to put up with moving to a new place as he got three year tours. This further effected my learning but I wont lie in being glad to get away and have a new start every three years. A new chance to not be picked on each time. Finaly when I was eight we moved to Gibraltar. I loved it there. I had friends with similar intrests, school was laxed so no one noticed how far behind I was and I was actualy semi popular. I was finaly getting more co-ordinated too. I was only just slightly less clumbsy than a regular boy. I wasn't doing too bad in the new karate class ether as I'd been doing it (badly) for four years but I was in the beginners group so no one knew. Made it seem like I was learning faster than I actualy was. Used to run about all day out there. Climbing rocks and exploring. But one by one my friends dropped away as they too moved every three years and had all been there longer than me. I found it hard making new friends but I got in with another group who were slightly older than me. They were rather thuggish and started picking on one of the other kids who was my age just because he was irish. Sadly I joined in but only enough to remain accepted. I felt horrible for every minute of it. The bullying started to esculate, and soon they started to turn it physical. Then tragicly there was an IRA terrorist incident (I think at a petrol station) in gibraltar. The group turned really savage on the poor kid (also called Chris) and decided that they were going to hunt him down and beat him up. I didn't even have to do anything. I could have just hid, but I didn't know what too do and felt trapped. Then we all split up to find him. I took off on my own and as fate would have it I found him first. He knew we were comming and was covering behind a wall. He couldnt' get home as we were in his way. There was a big fence with a gate that lead all the way around to the other side of the compound we were on but there was no way he could out run us and they would just split up and hed him off. I heard them comming behind me. I'd stupidly led them right too him. I grabbed him. Still not wanting to go through with it and I saw the shear terror in his eyes. I remembered all the horrible times I had suffered. I could just throw him too them and I wouldn't have to do anything. I knew if I let him go I'd be treated the same as him and we'd both be run down and beaten. But I couldn't bare that look. It was too late too run they were just feet away and laughing. I looked back at Chris and he was crying his eyes out, scared for his life. I let him go and he looked at me in puzzlement. I shouted at him to run. It took him a second to realise and ran to the gate. The others started to run also. I knew he woudlnt' make it so I threw myself against the gate. Chris was already through it. I held it shut as they tried to pull me away but I held on with all my strength and screemed at him to run away and get help. They started hitting me. One of them used a rock that almost cracked my skull, but in that moment I felt more strength than I have EVER felt. I remained standing and wouldn't budge. Five kids all older and bigger than me couldn't prize my grip off that gate. Eventualy I fell unconcious. I woke in hospital with stitches in my head, lip, eyebrow and cheek. My kidneys had been damaged and I had suffered internal bleeding. It took me a few days to even walk again. I was nine years old and that was the biggest defining moment in my whole life. I made a packt with myself that day to always stand up for the little guy. Always take the pain for others if I could. Because I survived that, they could knock me out but they couldn't beat me. I realised that nothing can beat me unless I let it. I ended up on the front of the local paper for that. Every parent was up in arms and there was a massive clamp down on bullying. I never saw those kids again. I did see Chris a few times though. He even tracked me down a few years back and still thanked me.

I've expireinced many greater threats than that over my years but none have shaped me as much. None fill me with as much pride. I dont think they can compare. Over the years I've become acustomed to violence. It dosn't phase me like it would do to someone who hasn't expirienced it as often. So although I've fought back against muggers and even been stabbed I dont see it as being anywhere near the same. I'm not scared anymore. The fear of what will happen to me died that day so what I do isn't really bravery.

What I'm trying to say is that was amazingly personal for me. If I hadn't been bullied I may not have had the empathy that unlocked the courage to make that stand. Someone else cant be held to the same level of acountability. Especialy now that I'm way more expirienced. Seeing violence should be shocking because its not something in your nature. There for it panics you and you fear it. However the more you see it the more you become acustomed to it and can actualy engage those fuctions that enable you to do the right thing. If you believe and you want to do it then you can. But we all cant be held under the same microscope and held to the same levels. We are all diffrent.

I feel like I'm being boastful so I'll stop at Chris' life years one-nine... for now.

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Hmm thats an intresting theory on what Lilah might be. Never considered that. Better than thinking she's Death at least :smile:

I tried to do the Library thing but I got stuck in the feild. Might get a relaxation tape (not an actual tape as I have no way of playing one of those anymore) to help clear my head. Too many things are just popping in their and distracting me.

You ever tried anything like this yourself?

yeah.

I've used visualisation techniques for a long time.

interesting that you got stuck in the field.

if you get stuck again, ask for a guide to lead you.

it may be an animal that is standing in the field.

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I don't think you were being boastful, in fact that was an inspiring story and anything I say about it would pale in comparison to the actual feat and its importance in your life. I never intended to suggest that you were naturally as you are, I was just in awe/admiration at how the experiences you must have had have shaped you into a strong person. I guess I've lived a pretty sheltered life in comparison; violence hasn't been a presence in my life - apart from the odd tussle and wrestling with my brothers; I'm too weak to hold my own against them now though :doubt: The most bullying I had growing up was name calling and racist remarks - words I didn't understand back then and so I shrugged it off and threw it back just as easily as they could say it.

I know not everything is governed by genetics - gosh, it feels like that's all I've been talking and thinking about this past week (I'm working on my first ever Guyver fic(!) and it deals quite heavily with genetics) Genes can determine certain things; it's a base from which nurturing, i.e. the environment you grow up in; the decisions you make and the experiences you have work from and do the rest. No-one's naturally brave, but they all have the capacity to be so. I empathise somewhat with you however, and am sorry you had such hardships growing up (not that you need it from me, I just don't think anyone should have to be given such a hard time, especially by teachers! I mean the other kids are bad enough...) - one of my brothers grew up with learning difficulties and found it hard to adjust at school. At one point they thought he was autistic, but he isn't - everyone exhibits some measure of autistic qualities. When they diagnosed his condition, they weren't sympathetic or sensitive at all when they told my mother - she didn't understand what they meant at the time and it crushed her at the time; what they did was they showed her a picture that he drew of her and it was all over the place...what a way to break the news, don't you think? He was moved from mainstream school to a special needs one and he hated it at first, but he went through it and came out quite well-adjusted. They tried to settle him into a secondary school with a learning difficulties department, but he couldn't adjust and went back to the special needs one. After keeping at it, he eventually went to college and he's now studying CG Arts and Animation at Uni and we're all so happy and proud with how far he's come along. It is odd though, because he came out of the special needs school not knowing half the things my younger brother and I knew...I wonder why the curriculum was so different...

But anyway, when we were in the same school before he was transferred, I looked out for him but I don't remember much about those days, we were so young. I do remember, however, after we moved house that somehow a kid in my class found out that my brother went to a special needs school and tried to bully me over it, but I didn't let him and told the teacher afterwards who then had a few stern words and congratulated me on being mature enough to not sink to his level. No-one ever said anything about my brother after that.

We're pretty lucky though, our mother is so supportive of us and I honestly don't know where she gets her strength from...considering 3 of the 4 children she had were born with something wrong with them, then there was her marriage, but that's not something I'm going to get into - it's a long story :lol:

Wow, I seem to be sharing a lot and I normally don't share this much information about myself so quickly :shock: I think I'm going to tone it down now...

Ryuki, you're not secretly planning to create an army of Astral Projectors/Travellers are you? :biggrin:

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ha ha, yeah my astral army.

shh, don't let it out.

to be honest, I'm not to sure where i stand on the concept but i prefer to keep an open mind.

I like to think anything is possible.

but when i see 2 people talking about similar things, I want to help out. you may benefit from it :)

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Ok I seem to be having real trouble finding the cottage in your exorsize Ryuki. However in its place was a big black and white mansion. So after the third time I found that instead of the cottage I decided to have a look inside. Went around the back and found some stairs to the second level and I shook the window to unlatch it before going into a small hallway. Inside is sort of a strange maze of corrodors and rooms with locked doors but no sign of whats inside them. Its all decorated like an old murder mistory type house. I sort of get lost in it. I've found a study but no library. The odd thing is its the same lay out every time... which is sort of convinient. Although I think I should try it when I'm not about to go too sleep. Might help me concentrait and actualy find what I'm looking for rather than eventualy falling asleep.

I didn't manage to project this week but I did have two instances of seeing things. The shadow people have returned. I dont think I mentioned seeing them before but when I was in my late teens and early twenties I used to see shadowy figures. Usualy at night but also once or twice in the day time. They only apear at a glance and melt away if you look at them for any length of time. They look as you would expect from the name, being a sort of three dimentional shadow but nothing there to cast it. I was on some medication at the time so I put it down to that as they went away about the time I stopped taking the tablets. I think its just my brain playing tricks on me. There is a state of awake dreaming, I think this is what I'm tapping into.

Anyway the first one I saw late at night when I got up to go to the toilet and looked out of the window. It was across the street next to the streetlight. It vanished into the darkness behind the wall.

The second was actualy at work. I had to cover a night shift. I saw it at the end of a hallway. This is teh only time it had a face I could see eyes and teeth in the form of a grin. It looked at me for a moment before melting away through a window.

Now in both cases I was very tired so I think my mind is just playing tricks on me.

Hopefuly it wont continue. Dreaming whilst awake can aparently lead to Narcolepsy, or be some other wacky nurological or psycological disorder.

to be honest, I'm not to sure where i stand on the concept but i prefer to keep an open mind.

Heck I seem to be doing it and even I'm skeptical of what I'm actualy expiriencing. I dont really believe in a soul... but how on earth am I doing this? I dont know. I still think its a weird hallucinogenic state.

one of my brothers grew up with learning difficulties and found it hard to adjust at school. At one point they thought he was autistic, but he isn't - everyone exhibits some measure of autistic qualities. When they diagnosed his condition, they weren't sympathetic or sensitive at all when they told my mother - she didn't understand what they meant at the time and it crushed her at the time; what they did was they showed her a picture that he drew of her and it was all over the place...what a way to break the news, don't you think? He was moved from mainstream school to a special needs one and he hated it at first, but he went through it and came out quite well-adjusted. They tried to settle him into a secondary school with a learning difficulties department, but he couldn't adjust and went back to the special needs one. After keeping at it, he eventually went to college and he's now studying CG Arts and Animation at Uni and we're all so happy and proud with how far he's come along. It is odd though, because he came out of the special needs school not knowing half the things my younger brother and I knew...I wonder why the curriculum was so different...

I was sent to a school that delt with learning difficultys when I was about 11. My parents struggled to find out what was wrong with me and sent me to an expert. Even he coudn't diagnose what was wrong as I was aparently a very confusing case. I showed signs of being dyslexic but would score really highly on some tests that I shouldn't have been able too do. Yet low on others. This is why they think its braindamage rather than me being truly dyslexic. Although it confuses things further when I was tested again at college and got a high risk factor in a dyslexic test. Who knows really. Its quite likly that tests are just way more advanced now or I really am just a strange case. The first guy said it was my high IQ knocking the results off. Personaly I think my brain has just adapted to deal with the damage over the years. Hence why my clumbsyness dissapeared in my teens (to the extent that I became far more agile and coordinated than anyone else my age, even in my martial arts class... Heheh much revenge was had)

It was actualy a bording school that I was sent too. Although no where near like the private schools you see in films and media. It did help. Although even at that school there was only one class that were "Special" so that didn't really help when it came to being ostracized. Still even the toughest bullies learned to respect me there. The first few years were hell though...

But yeah the curriculum was very diffrent. I suspect that it was a year or two below where it should have been plus missing out on sevoral classes. I was never tought a foraign language at school and even though I was good at science I was marked down because of my spelling and gramer (why? its not english class?) and while I loved art the teacher hated anything comic book styled... which was what I did. So I was discouraged that way. I always hated that that happened to me even more than the other crap I had to deal with. Its a hard business to get into but I think I could have at least had a good level of skill at it if not for being pushed away from it at every turn.

Still those are the dice I was cast. I may regret stuff and wish things were diffrent, but many things I'd still want to do the same. Made me who I am.

... now only if I could get a school reunion.

I was very much the ugly duckling for my school years. Lanky, skinny and had bad skin. Now I'm 6'3, 210lbs of healthy muscle, my skin is all cleared up and I seem too look about five years younger than anyone else I know from my school years. I got my confidence up, have a job that makes me feel like I'm making a diffrence and have multiple propertys that earn me money.

I dont even have to beat the crap out of those people who treated me like dirt... although perhaps there were two guys who would REALLY deserve it.

Sometimes its hard trying to be a passifist.

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ok, you found a mansion? that's fine.

the size of the cottage isn't too important.

what is important is that you find that black door with the corridor. the corridor needs to have those coloured panels on them and the golden panel is the library.

if you find yourself in a maze, try and backtrack and look for the black door.

try to be more trusting in your footsteps.

maybe make a recording.

when you go upstairs and get lost in that maze, you are getting 'lost in your head'.

it's not your head you need to be at.

it's your heart. if you know what i mean.

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Yeah thats pretty much what I thought it was. I felt the cottage would be easier to navagate but obviously my subconscious feels the need to be freaking extravagant (look at me I'm a Mansion! none of your piffly small buildings for me! Noooooo...)

I'm sort of waiting for it too turn resident evil on me. That would be typical.

The main problem is I could only get it through the second story of the building. The other doors were locked... but maybe thats just me being stubourn. I seriously dont see why I lock them. Surly I can just tell myself that I open the door. Dosn't seem to work that way though. I tried cheating but it broke my concentration and I irritated myself so much I started again.

I think perhaps its me not wanting to know what is deep down inside. I talk about self discovery but perhaps there is always a part of me that still hase that lack of self confidence. While rationaly I can brush off all those years of bullying, there is only so much you can take before a little bit of it seeps in and part of you doubts youself. I think this is the part of me that dosn't want to actualy fully explore myself. In case everything is sudenly true and I'm a stupid selfish coward.

I know its not true but there were times when I thought it might be. I think my will is more of a sledgehammer than a precise instrement. I blast through things with force but perhaps its not the most thourough job.

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ok try a different approach.

you can start from the garden of the house.

from the garden, look away from the house.

look for a swimming pool. in the swimming pool are all familiar faces of people you have known and still know. family and friends.

enter the pool with them. then look for the steps out of the pool.

the bottom one is black. then in order they are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet, silver and gold.

stepping off the last step onto the grass, look towards a forest at the end of the grass.

go to the forest and walk in following a trail.

continue walking until you get to a bridge crossing the river. on the other side of the bridge is a figure. a person. you might be able to make out the identity of the person or they may be a shadow. meet that person. embrace them. that person loves you unconditionally. walk for a while and find a clearing in the forest.

find a place to sit down and take a seat with your companion. now you can talk.

talk about anything you want.

when you feel like you are finished, embrace again if you wish, shake hands and say bye for now.

go back alone, over the bridge, out of the forest. back down the steps into the pool, gold, silver, violet, blue, green, yellow, orange, red, black and into the pool with your loved ones.

then back to the house.

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But yeah the curriculum was very diffrent. I suspect that it was a year or two below where it should have been plus missing out on sevoral classes. I was never tought a foraign language at school and even though I was good at science I was marked down because of my spelling and gramer (why? its not english class?) and while I loved art the teacher hated anything comic book styled... which was what I did. So I was discouraged that way. I always hated that that happened to me even more than the other crap I had to deal with. Its a hard business to get into but I think I could have at least had a good level of skill at it if not for being pushed away from it at every turn.

A similar thing happened to me; I was determined on being an animator or getting into some kind of profession which entailed illustration and creativity, but when I took GCSE Art, my teacher hated the way I drew and insisted on me changing my style - which I never did. Instead, I think I tanked on most of my coursework because I wasn't allowed to explore my creativity in my own way and ended up scraping a C. It really discouraged me, and while I wanted to take it up for A-Level, I didn't and instead picked Business Studies - later on, when a Psychology classmate saw me doodling and suggested that I'd click really well with one of his mates, I found out that this mate of his was drawing the same way I was and was doing Art A-Level. If I had known my 6th Form was lax about that, I would have taken it -_-

So instead I draw intermittently as a hobby, but I can't stick to it for too long, so I think I lack discipline as a result - despite this, I hope to have a comic out one day. Again, lack of discipline is my enemy...

Interestingly - I think this came up in my Psychology class since we covered a unit on the effects of brain damage - the brain is very adaptable, so if it does have damaged areas (not too serious, I think), given time, the brain will build new connections. I'm not sure if that's right though, since it's been years...but I think it actually applies to something like Languages, since as you're growing up the brain creates connections to support the learning of languages, but if you stop learning languages the brain will eventually cut those connections. Though if you were to start up again, it'll take time, but the brain will form new connections to support the learning of languages again. It's why my German teacher was a little envious about why I could pick up the language quite quickly; apart from it being so similar to English (at least to me), my Gran taught me Hindi when I was young, though I understand it far better than I can speak it, which is the situation with the other languages I know. Understanding is easy - and so is reading, as long as it's in English characters - but Speaking is hard :/ Then again, you probably know this stuff better than I do :lol:

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