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Humour thread

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This is a thread dedicated to share jokes. So when People need a laugh, they can always look at this thread. Anyway, let me begin by putting these here:

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates", he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain."Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in awhile I like to play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly,instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!"

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Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his

eyes and the first thing he sees are two aspirin next to a glass of orange

juice on the end table. AND, next to them a single red rose! Jack sees his

clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room

and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean. The rest of the

house is also in perfect order. He takes the aspirin and cringes when he

sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He sees a

note on the bedside table: Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to

go shopping. Love you!

Jack stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is his breakfast and the

morning newspaper on the table. His daughter is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks his daughter "What happened last night?"

She replies, "well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

You broke some furniture, puked in the hall, and got that black eye when you

ran into the bedroom door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean. I have a rose and my

breakfast is waiting on the table for me?"

Daughter replies, "OH THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she

tried to take off your pants, you screamed "leave me alone lady, I'm

married!""

Broken Furniture - $185.26

Hot Breakfast - $5.90

Rose - $3.95

Two Aspirins - $ .38

Saying the right thing at the right time, PRICELESS!

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!!!

A couple from Ohio decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travels. So, the husband left Ohio and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of condolence from friends and family. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 26 November 2004

Message: I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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a couple that is married for 30 years celebrates its wedding day in the same hotelroom in which they spent their wedding night . The man is already in bed when his wife comes from the bathroom into the room and says : Darling what did you think 30 years ago when i entered this room?He answeres: Ii looked at you and thought i wanna suck your breasts out and **** your mind out She is already getting horny and says :what are you thinking today He says:when i look at you i guess i did a great job

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On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small, and by the time the festivities were over her feet were agony.

When she and Charles withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Charles say "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you with a face like that she had to be a virgin!."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say. "Right, now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said: "My God, that was even tighter than the other one".

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

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Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite.

"He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!"

The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea.

So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month."

The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away.

The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.

So she asks, "What's going on, dear?"

"We're celebrating!" he replies.

"Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks.

"Anal sex week!"

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The Gift

A young man thought of buying a gift for his

girlfriend. After such deliberation he finally

settled into buying a pair of gloves. He asked

his sister to accompany him to the ladies shop to

make his purchase. His sister bought 2 panties

for herself. The two packages were mixed up on

the counter so his sister got the gloves. The

young man sent the package to his sweetheart not

knowing the contents of the package were the 2

panties his sister bought for herself. Together

with the package came the note.

Dear Sweetheart,

This gift is to tell you that I am keeping in

touch for your birthday. I chose this gift to

replace the one I tore during our first date,

because since then you have not been in the habit

of wearing any when we go out on evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have

bought the short one. The saleslady from whom I

bought them showed me the pair she was wearing.

She told me that she had been wearing them for

three consecutive weeks and it had not been

soiled at all. It was very soft to touch.

I asked the saleslady to wear it and it looked

very nice on her. I do not know your exact size

but I thought I am in a better position than any

one to guess since I hold yours most of the time.

They will naturally be a little deep to wear and

sometimes will have the tendency to smell, so

put a little talcum powder before you wear them.

Be sure to keep them off while cleaning for they

are liable to shrink. I hope you will accept them

with the thought that I gave them to you. Please

wear them on Friday evenings so I will always

have the pleasure of removing them.

Always,

Honey

P.S. I will look forward to kiss the front as

well as the back of them. The saleslady said that

the latest style is wearing them unbuttoned to

give the carefree look. If they are small, send

them back to me so I could stretch them by

putting them on mine. Don't forget to put my

favorite scent on. I love you....

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The nice thing about Windows - it does not just crash; it actually displays a dialogue box and lets you press OK first.

Any system or program, however complicated, when looked at in exactly the right way will become even more complicated.

Programmer: An ingenious device that converts caffeine into code.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.

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A man called his attorney's office on Friday. "Hello," he said, "I want to talk to my lawyer."

"I'm sorry, sir," the receptionist told him, "but your attorney died suddenly yesterday."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said, and he hung up.

Monday he called again. "I want to talk to my lawyer, please."

"Sir," the receptionist said, "you called Friday. I told you your attorney is dead. The funeral is today."

"Oh, I'm sorry." the caller said, and he hung up.

Tuesday he called again. "I want to talk to my lawyer."

"Sir, you called Friday, you called yesterday. Your attorney is dead and buried. Why do you keep calling him?"

"Oh, I just love to hear you say that."

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over

by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window..

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing

her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?" The doc asks.

"Yes checking for bumps" she replies.

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her

and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

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Little Tommy was doing very badly in maths . His parents had tried

everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short,

everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took

Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School . After the first

day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He

doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room &

starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little

Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner

and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without

a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This

goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand

what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report

card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the

books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise,

little Tommy got an A in maths. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She

goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy

looks at her and shakes his head "No". "Well then", she replies, "was it the

books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little

Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw

that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

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--- If you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ---

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Do files get embarrassed when they're unzipped?

My life needs a rewind/erase button.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.

A lifeā€¦ cool. Where can I download one of those?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

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1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from

time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with

you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr.

Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to

"Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they

changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Still not good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds."

Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and A$$holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

And they loved it.

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> Management exam

>

> The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you

>whether you are qualified to be a professional manager. Scroll down for

>each answer. The questions are NOT difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL

>you have answered the question!

>

>

>

> 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

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> The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and

>close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in

>an overly complicated way.

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> 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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> Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the

>refrigerator?

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> Wrong Answer.

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> Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the

>elephant and close the door This tests your ability to think through the

>repercussions of your previous actions.

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> 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference All the animals

>attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?

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> Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You

>just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not

>answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance

>to show your true abilities.

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> 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you

>do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

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> Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not

>been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This

>tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

>

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> According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the

>professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers

>got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively

>disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a

>four-year-old.

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A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".

That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", No . not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

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Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

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Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvellous dinner it was, lobster, champagne,

dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. We came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No,no,no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

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UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were riding across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful babe rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want'."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Normal People believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

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Three men met at the first tee one Saturday morning.

The first gets up to place his ball and says, "I can't believe I had to promist that battle-axe I'd clean out the garage just so I could come golfing" as his drive drifted into the woods on the right.

The second one addresses his ball and says, "Yes, I had to promise my ball and chain that I'd paint our garage" as his drive flew off to the right.

The third man just smiled and shook his head as he hit a perfect drive down the fairway.

The first man said, "What did you have to promise .. oh .. nice shot".

Nothing, the third golfer said. "I just kissed her on the cheek at 4:30 and said, 'Good morning, sexy. Golf course or intercourse?'. She said, 'Don't forget to bring a sweater with you'."

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A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those People who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshi+ and @ss kissing that will put you over the top.

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Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the

last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the

latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed

with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the

bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He

started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get

the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled

pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the

sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who

had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is

going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the drenn out

of a ghost"

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